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I've suddenly come to the realisation that my life has gone to complete ****.. I've pushed away all my friends, I have no job, I have no school, most of my time is spent wasting it.

I don't even know how I've let myself go so much. I guess it happened gradually so I accepted it? This whole thing started with my graduation. I lost my job due to the pandemic, my uni studies we're at home, the major I chose was way out of my league so I studied all day and had no time for social life. After burning myself out I dropped out 3 months later. 

I will be starting university in september, my country is planning for it to go back to normal, if it goes to plan i'll be able to see some people 

I have applied to some jobs but with no results. I have gotten so incredibly discouraged after getting denied so many times over the last 7 months. I just don't understand what's wrong with me, I have work experience, all my documents are in order, I spend an awful lot of time writing the application and most jobs i look for is fast food business, how bad can I be that im denied from a mcdonalds

After being with no job and school for so long I have barely any energy. I can do one activity and then need to take the rest of the day of. The 12-hour schedule I used to have (school/work) is completely out of my system. 

What stings the most is seeing my classmates thriving, It brings up ugly emotions like jealousy and this is not who I am.

I just don't know how to get back to the way things were

I'm 20 years old. I will be entering university in september to become a high school teacher (subjects english and history) I'm "planning" on getting married in my early twenties and having kids in my late twenties or early thirties. If I have to think 20 years ahead I think I'll live a pretty ordinary life, kids, house, job, a vacation once a year, family will be a very important part of my life. And I've had this plan for quite some time and I been pretty happy with it until I saw this video.

I was just scrolling instagram before bed, and I come across this dude named GaryV and I've heard of him before, he's this motivational speaker talking about how to be a millionaire etc. And he said like "the one thing a 20-year old has that i dont have is time......." and kept going about we should get out there and experience, and try thing and fail and try again etc. etc. 

And it just really hit me, idk why, it's not like i'm not aware of life outside of myplan. I just never felt the need to explore in ways he was talking about. And this just caused me to reconsider everything. Am I dreaming to small? Do I want more for myself. I guess i'm just looking for different opinions about this 

I graduated with highest grade of my year. It was a bad school. But I always thought it still meant something, I still had to work for them. My major was also social studies. I mainly studied topics like religion, history, sociologi, philosophy. 

After graduation I decided to study science and math (chemistry, physics, biology and math) I knew it was going to be challenging but I truly thought I could do it.3 months in to the programme I was exhausted, It felt like I constantly had to walk through an uphill battle while rocks were being thrown at me. I was studying for hours everyday, while always feeling behind. I would prepare days before we were supposed to do science experiments and I would still embarass myself by my lack of knowledge. I am not exaggerating, I could feel that the person that would be my partner for the day would start to sigh and be disappointed that they got me.I suddenly dropped out, I just couldn't take it, I just feel so stupid. Like genuinely dumb. I feel pathetic that I even thought I could do this. My plan was to go into STEM-field but I feel like I don't deserve to aim that high. Like who do I think I am that I actually think I can do this.I am embarrassed to tell the people around me. I know I disapointed everyone by dropping out. Everyone sees me as this straight A student who's super smart and I feel like a fraud. People constantly describe me as the smart person when I'm not.Idk what I want from posting this, maybe just some advice..

I listened to him years ago and can't find him, im going crazy!!

He was like a british hiphop rap artist with reggae influence in his song. He looks like a latino/arab. I remember he had some type of middle eastern name, I'm stuck on ismael (it isn't that since whenever i search he doesn't come up. 

He once appeared on a "vevo live session" as an "upcoming artist" I think he mayeb had a few hunder thousand listeners?

His songs have deep meanings. He sing/raps in one of them about his drug addicted friend. Theres one music video where he's walking down the street and thing keep coming his way, i remember a lyric about jesus being fake or something like that

This is all i have on him lol please help