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What do you do when you are in your mid twenties, in a wonderful marriage, but your health has been that of a deteriorating elderly person and mentally of a suicidal teenager? I have been sexually assaulted in my late teens/early adult. I suffer mentally, body spasms regularly, ptsd, and a host of health issues where I'm mostly sick. My worst pains force me into suicidal thoughts. Same with the ptsd and spasms. I see more negativity in the world and while having what I go through with that, I feel like dying. My husband has kept me fighting, but I'm afraid soon I will do something reckless to myself that I won't recover from. I want to live, but I'm in so much pain and suffering, I wanna die. No medical insurance, therapy didn't help in the past, broke and surviving on husband's paychecks while trying to get better. I feel like I'm failing. I don't wanna die, but sometimes I blackout and im a different person from pain and anger, only usually crying and venting and spasms. Idk what to do.