Major Eyeswater

Questions I'd like to see banned- 1. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 2. How much liquor / wine / whatever will it take to get me drunk? 3. Who was the first person to say, "Hey! I think I'll eat the white orb that came out of that chicken's butt?" 4. What are hot dogs made of? 5. I left _______ on the counter / in my car's trunk / inside the oven for 20 hours. Is it still safe to eat? 6. Why is my hangover so bad? 7. I didn't have fennel, so I used fennel seed. I didn't have celery, so I used canned chestnuts. I didn't have cointreau, so I used balsamic vinegar. I didn't have red beans, so I used a bag of marbles. I didn't have carrots, so I tore up a picture of Frosty the Snowman and threw it into the pot. I didn't have a stove, so I poured gasoline into the stock pot and set the whole goddamned mess on fire out in the driveway. Why did my recipe fail?!