My husband & I started seeing each other again.....everyone is freaking out.?
Here's the story...my husband and I have been separated for a year and a half. We have 3 kids (and I have 1 from a prev. marriage). He left us 2 1/2 years ago (2/05) for no apparent reason, hooked up with his high school gf and was gone for 6 weeks, then we got back together. He stayed for another year and then left again (3/06). He had started drinking again in 2004 and the marriage went downhill after that. He is now in AA again. He lived with a woman for the past 6 months but recently asked her to move out and we started 'seeing' each other again.
I am not naive and see all the bad that he did but he seems to have really changed...he has been in counseling for the past year, etc.
The last time we got back together really fast and it was a mistake.....this time, I want to 'date' for a couple months and then see where we are at rather then rush in..... we have a big family together and I would like to see it back together.
It's not unreasonable for friends and family to be negative given your history with this man. What is unreasonable is for you to expect them to be positive and supportive.
Now that's not to say that people can't change, and I'm 100% for fathers and mothers working things out so they can provide a stable house for their children, but you need to start being realistic about a few things.
One is that you don't choose men well, and that you also have a track record of not seeing what you don't want to see where this man is concerned. In other words, you've been wrong about him before, on more than one occasion, and the result is that chaos has been brought into your home and the kids have no doubt been hurt (as have you).
If he truly is repentant of his alcoholism and adultry etc then that's fantastic and I hope the two of you can work together to make a happy and stable marriage work... eventually. But the reality is neither of you should be thinking that that's going to suddenly happen, or that immediately all the bad history should be forgotten and you can just pick up where you left off.
You mention he's been in counselling for a year. That's not the same thing as being sober for a year and working the AA program. He's proved himself unworthy in the past, he needs to be willing to 'go the distance' to prove himself worthy now. And that means a long extended period of time where he is 'on trial'. And where you don't blind yourself to his lapses or red flags that he might not have changed.
Forgiveness is excellent for both of you, but don't equate forgiveness with acting like nothing happened. He destroyed your marriage and abandoned his children on multiple occasions, and you would be very foolish to just jump back into things with him just because he says he's changed.
Let actions speak louder than words. If he's really changed, then over a long extended period of time he'll be able to demonstrate that. And your friends and family may never be fully positive and supporting of him - which is a reasonable position to take - but over a long period of time if he truly has changed they are likely to be less negative.
But you can't expect them not to be negative given your history. So my advice to you is simply to 'deal with it' and realize that you getting back together with this man is going to entail a lot of work and time before trust can be re-established even between you two, much less trust from friends and family.
And make the kids the most important barometer for how you judge to proceed.
The problem with the situation is he got help and you didn't. Alcoholism is a disease that effects the family as well as the alcoholic. While he is growing spiritually and other ways, you and the children will stagnate and stay sick. Take care of your self and your children also. There are plenty of great programs you all can benefit from. As for your family and friends, it's understandable they are weary of your decision to get back with him. I see plenty of relationships that are dysfunctional, and ask "why don't they just go there separate ways", but that's the reason love is so powerful. If we all separated for reasons others would think justifiable, none of us would last in the best of relationships. It's all on you kid.
I know several couples who have married each other again after getting divorced and it seems as though they've learned from their mistakes are doing well together.
But their stories are the exception to the rule, not the rule. Your family and friends don't want to see you hurt again. Not only does your ex need to earn your trust again, but theirs too. That's part of the price to be paid for his poor choices.
I'm glad you realize that you went to fast last time you got together. I think its noble that you want to work it out for the kids, but I would think that it would take closer to a couple years rather than a couple months for him to prove that he really has changed in order to get that trust back.
Be careful how you involve the kids. Obviously they need to have relationships with both of you, and see that you guys can work things out, but I'd keep them out of the 'dating' side of your relationship. It will be tricky, but its really not fair to your kids to let them get their hopes up that you two will get back together, only to have him relapse or something else happen that would prevent you two from actually working it out.
You do not seriously think that they have no right in acting like this do you? What are thinking??? Did you know that the only reason why he comes back to you, is because you are dependable??? Do you really think he loves you? Do you not think that when a new pie walks by that he is not going to go to it???
Come on, look at his track record. Who cares that he is in counseling and getting all better now. He should have thought of this way back when. Stop being his dependable girl and move on! You need to show your kids that there is more to life and to relationship than what is being taught now. If you have girls, you are showing them that it is ok for them to be walked on by ppl. Not just men, but ppl, and that they have to except it. Stop, look at yourself, and say I am worth a lot more than what he or anyone of this caliber has to offer me.
That my friend is what your family/friends are thinking.