Is there any way to get over someone who died while trying to get over you?

Question

When I went to his funeral, everyone from his mom to his sister told me over and over how much he still loved me. I should have taken him back when he asked me, but I didn't think he could handle taking care of my new baby with me. (not his) Now I know I should have taken him back, but he died. I was told by his family that he was using too much, and drinking too much trying to forget me. I feel like I killed someone I really did love. Still do, feelings like that don't go away. How do I put that in the past where it belongs. It's been over 20 years ago now, but it won't stay there. It doesn't help that part of Grand Funk Railroad was family, and their music pops up when I least expect it.

2007-08-19T09:05:57Z

Considering that "baby" is now 25, and I hadn't even given birth, you'd think I could let go by now, wouldn't you? Thank you for your empathy and understanding. This one really hurts.

Mr. Niceguy · Accepted Answer

I really wish I could help -- but I don't know if I can say anything that wouldn't sound cliche.  Things like this go beyond simple, rational solutions that anyone can just write down.  I think your head knows it wasn't your fault, but the heart doesn't listen so well.  The best I can suggest is to live your life in the present as much as you can, and except this pain will always be there somewhere and sometimes come up to haunt you, but trying to stay on other things when you can -- it may be with you but try not to be with it.  You must not have been that bad or he wouldn't still love you.  I do suspect you were just being used as a scape goat for bad habits he would have had anyway.

Emily R · Answer

It's so not your fault .You can't go back and undo the past we all make life choices some we think are right some wrong sometimes we just don't know the right answer. The issue of why you didn't take him back was because of your child maybe it was something you should have discussed with him but you handled it the best way you could for your child . It was in your exs best interests that you made the decision not thinking he could handle that the child wasn't his so i think you did the right thing. You cannot blame yourself  noone forces a person to use or drink that's their own decision no one should blame you he should of been able to talk to family or friends that could help him if he as in such a desparate state then he should have saught  medical help and intervention before it was too late.You will always have the memories but you have to move on and quit blaming yourself and let go of the past , though hard to do.

Baboushka · Answer

Everytime these thoughts come into your head say to yourself that what happened is not your fault and you can't change what happened.Everything happens for a reason,so just know that you did the right thing.You are very sensitive which is a good thing,and the hurt will lessen more and more.You must let it go.Peace unto you and yours!

Is there any way to get over someone who died while trying to get over you?

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