How to grow a thicker skin around critical parents?
Last night, I was here on Yahoo! Answers dishing out the advice...tonight, I'm the one in need! Isn't that the way for us teachers??
I'm at a new school this year: old position was at a public school with NO parent involvement. Now I'm at a private school with TONS of it. Today I got my first really mean parent email. The criticism in it was not at all justified, and not merely angry but very personally, nastily insulting.
I have very supportive administrators and coworkers, who reassure me that this mom has done this to all of them previously. My boss is going to speak with this family about the nasty tone of the email.
But I have to admit: it still hurts. And given our school environment, I can pretty much guarantee it will happen again at some point.
Experienced teachers, how have you dealt with this? How have you learned to grow a thicker skin? Any advice for me?
deirdrezz2007-10-23T19:28:18Z
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I have been teaching for a long time and still am haunted by memories of toxic parents. First, get it out of your system in a safe environment where your words will never come back to haunt you. Respond to her email...and then delete it. Write it down...and then burn it. Talk to friends...who don't work at your school and will never meet that parent. Second, gain the skills on how to communicate/deal with difficult parents. I took one through BERG. Third, create a mantra to repeat to yourself when you are in a face-to-face situation. This will keep your temper in check and keep you from getting defensive. I think some of the hostile parents get a rush off confrontations. Most of my difficult parents fall into two categories. The first hated school, felt teachers were out to get them, and their parents didn't stick up enough for them. They have sworn this will not happen to their children. They attack procedures, make excuses for their kids, and want grades changed. The second are college-educated and feel they could do your job better than you. When these ones challenge you, ask them what they would do. If they give you a reasonable response, tell them you will consider their ideas for next year. If they say, "I don't know; you're the teacher." Say, "Exactly."
It hurts every time. The best thing to do is to walk away from it. Realize that tone is hard to understand in an email. The mom could've thought she was being persistent and insistent and probably not nasty. Either respond via a phone call, or come back in a day or so. Or, write her an email back simply stating that due to your hectic schedule at the moment, you'll give her a call or send her an e-mail when you have sufficient time to discuss the issue with her. It WILL happen again at some point. I get them, too. It really does continue to hurt. ALWAYS get a second or even a third opinion. Compose an email and have your principal, dept. chair, or co worker to help you fix it so it's not a hostile sort of response. Good luck and hang in there!
Personal attacks and ugly comments are not criticism, they are attacks. Usually attacks are made for primal reasons: fear, confusion, lack of self-confidence, ignorance. Although the email is nasty and no you shouldn't need to reply to a nasty email allow your supervisor to do that, but look at the comments about your actual duties not your character. Is there a need of the child that needs to be addressed? If so, find common ground and help the student. Otherwise, know these are parents in need of help and have confidence in you knowledge, talent and expertise in your profession. Maintain professionalism at all times and keep the faith. The lord is your guide, give it to him and he'll take care of the rest. No need for a thick skin. (Live, Laugh, Love, & Learn)
You never stop taking it personally. And because you're human, you remember the nasty comments and forget the good ones. My headteacher told me once to start writing down every time someone says something good about what you've done. Then when you get a mouthful of abuse from a bad-tempered parent, go back and read the good things people have said about you. It doesn't stop people taking out their frustrations on you, but it helps a bit! Good luck!
Don't you hate it? But after the sting wears off you know you are doing a good job and have to deal with all kinds of people - and some will not treat you well, comes with the job. Probably has much more to do with them than it does with you. Hold your head high, learn what you can from it and let it go as soon as possible - each day is new.