As someone considering adopting a child, what is the most important thing I should know? What should I do, not do, be prepared for, say, etc? What do you wish someone had told YOUR adoptive parents?
H******
Favorite Answer
If you understand the loss your child has experienced, you can have a wonderfully positive impact on his or her life.
Deal with the reality of the adoptive situation: different from biological family; it's parenting plus!
Mother can be alert to and empathic to signs of loss and grieving.
Realize that it will be more difficult for her to know what to do for this particular child without genetic markers ... be especially aware.
If possible, stay home with child; he doesn't need one more disappearing mother.
Understand child's coping mechanisms: acting out or compliant. Compliant doesn't mean untroubled. Acting out child will demonstrate "wrong mother" idea by making adoptive mom wrong about many things. This interfaces with his need for control.
Try to understand the difficulty in growing up without seeing oneself reflected anywhere. Verbalize.
Celebrate birthday before the actual day. (Birthday may be separation day ... child sad or angry.)
Don't be late picking up child from school, activities, etc. (triggers abandonment).
Fear often keeps child from letting in love. Be patient; try not to feel rejected. (It's not personal.)
Tell child about adoption before she knows what it means.
As she gets older, answer her questions honestly. (Questions may be acted out, rather than verbalized)
Don't speak for anyone else (i.e., birthmother). Never say: (1) "Your birthmother loved you so much she wanted you to have a good home." Even if true, this makes absolutely no sense to a child. One doesn't give away what one loves.
If you can, stay in touch with birth family. Child needs mirroring and genetic markers. Honor promises. This also goes for birth parents. (Step families can do it; so can you!)
Learn to understand the differences between behavior (acting out or compliant) and the child's true personality. Behavior will often be different outside family. Easier for others to discern personality.
Acknowledge, respect, and value the differences between adoptee and other members of the family.
Encourage child's talents and interests, even if they are different from yours.
Because the child will not be able to verbalize his pain, look for other forms of communication: art, poetry, play, and projective identification (i.e., He will communicate his feelings by behavior that will make you feel them: angry, enraged, sad, inadequate, unworthy, confused, chaotic, fearful, rejected...
Behavior often metaphor for beliefs: feels stolen, may steal; living a lie, may lie; people disappear, may hoard food, etc. Verbalize this for him, so that he will know you understand: "I wonder if..."
Recognize the core issues: abandonment, loss, rejection, trust, intimacy, guilt and shame, mastery and control, and identity.
Learn to understand child's anger as a cover for pain: Empathize with the pain.
Never threaten abandonment, no matter how provocative the child becomes.
Acknowledge the child's feelings. Never say, "You shouldn't feel that way. Feelings come from the unconscious and are valid. Teach child to find appropriate ways to express those feelings.
Allow the child to be herself. Withdraw expectations which do not fit her personality or abilities.
Do not try to take the place of the birthmother. Even if he doesn't talk about her, she is real to him. You are a different person and very important in his life.
Don't try to take away your child's pain. Acknowledge it, try to understand it, validate it, help her put it into words, and give her ways to work it through.
Adoptees are often diagnosed with ADD. This may be a result of the trauma and hypervigilence. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Parents and teachers will need understanding and patience.
Prepare child for changes in routine. Fears surprises (like disappearance of mother).
Because of interruption of natural order, child may have difficulty with cause and effect or consequences. This is especially difficult during adolescence. Needs to be reinforced early.
Child needs strong boundaries and limits, even though may fight against them. Needs to feel safe, contained, and cared for. Very important to be fair and consistent.
Father will not be having same experience as mother. Needs to empathize and support mother.
Both need support group to compare notes with other adoptive parents and to avoid isolation.
LaurieDB
There have been so many great answers here, that I will just state a couple of the things that I, personally, wish my adoptive parents had done differently.
The first is to state or even insinuate that the natural parents are defective, bad, "less than" or anything else negative. After all, they brought the child into the world, and it is highly likely that the child will feel that he or she must be bad or defective if he or she came from people who are those things. It's the same idea as speaking negatively of the other parent in a divorce situation.
Do not expect your adopted child to be like you, or be disappointed if he or she is different from the other family members in terms of mannerisms, personality, intellect, talents, interests and so forth. There is hard-wiring involved in these traits, so you have to keep that in mind.
Be thoughtful with regard to name changing. I was 2 when my name was changed. I, personally, was not happy about that. I did always wish that my name would have been respected.
Best to you.
?
I WISH my son had more of his first family's medical history! I'm not sure his first mother knows much of it as I don't think she went to the doctor much (no prenatal care at all when she was pregnant with her son whom I adopted). I have requested non-identifying information from DCFS, so I am hopeful that there will be at least *some* medical history in there. I understand what you're saying about HIPPA rights, but #1, don't ALL parents want what's best for their kids? I'd post my entire medical history on the internet for everyone to see if I thought it might help my kid. And #2, since OBCs are -- unfortunately -- a secret at this time, is it really a violation of HIPPA rights if the person's information is released but not their name? I'm really not trying to stir things up here...I'm just asking. Although I guess in my son's case that wouldn't hold true because I know his first mother's full name.
freywayne
If you are going to adopt a child the most important consideration is the health of the child. I have friends that adopted a little boy soon after his birth, he has F.A.S. and F.A.E, it is a huge burden on them physically as they were a little older than the average age of people who adopt newborns. As well as the fact that the boy is now 13 and a hell raiser, he also requires prescriptions and medication that puts a financial strain on this semi-retired couple. We all love him dearly and would not trade him away for the world but it would have been easier if he was completely healthy. But who is to say that your own child would be born healthy. Know you have enough love to give the child, and are ready for the responsibility
angel66866
I was adopted when I was two months old, but always knew that I was adopted. If you do adopt, which I think is great, then just be ready for questions. Like, I asked my parents why my birth mom didnt want me. And they are hard questions. And always, always be supportive. When they got to the age when they feel they would like to find the birth parents, dont get mad, help. They dont want to replace you, they are filling a hole. I did it to my parents. I asked why my parents didnt want me...and my adopted mom has been helping me search for my birth mom, and we are almost there. Just be ready to love a lot.