Although most of the "regulars" here know me as an adoptee, I'm also an infertile woman who struggled greatly with not being able to have children. I've often wondered if my thoughts about the sacrifices one would make for her own children are skewed because of my infertility.
So, my question is for people who are parents (adoptive or not.) Did you have to sacrifice anything for your kids? If so, what sorts of things and would you do it all over again?
Thanks for any and all insights. At 43, I'm thinking about my infertility again, and how it has affected my life. Being on this forum has probably contributed to me thinking about it more, too.
2008-03-15T19:38:16Z
Mom5girlz -- you've got me in tears over here. Thank you for opening up and sharing so much. You've touched me.
2008-03-15T19:48:10Z
Thanks for all the answer so far. It does help to know that my feelings about what a mom would do for her children aren't skewed. You all are showing me that it is real.
2008-03-15T22:01:05Z
Wow, thanks for sharing that Jessica. Being infertile, it's very sad for me to hear about women who didn't get to raise their children. I'm sorry for your loss, too. Similar to you, my natural dad chose not to have more children after he relinquished me even though he loves children. He married a woman with three young daughters several years later, though. Now he's got PLENTY of step-grandchildren.
<3HoneyJacobs<32008-03-15T16:51:05Z
Favorite Answer
Of course everyone gives up something either now or for in the future when they have a baby, wether its not shopping as much or not being able to get out there and do the course or job you want, sure theres always childcare, but a child makes it that much harder, i knew what i was giving up when i got pregnant, and i still would NEVER take my choice back, as long as i have my son im happy, and now that hes able to crawl and sit im putting him in childcare to do a hairdressing course, just because your giving something up doesnt neceseraly mean forever ;) Might i add, that no matter deep the sacrafice you make is, your child will replace that with sooo many wonderull and exciting things, theres always new milestones and learning points and the joy and happiness from watching my son crawl or stand or say mum and dad for the first time, is nothing that you can get from any job no matter how long youv wanted it or how much it pays!
seriously Mom5grlz you should write a book about what you ahve been through you could help alot of young and older females, i havnt been through that myself but i would still be the first to go and buy that book, well done for surviving all you have, your an inspiration to mothers around the world!!
It took me awhile to answer this one. I think the biggest sacrifice is the losing of my rational mind and I would definetely do it again.
Raising three boys alone was a struggle financially (no child support) and emotionally. I so wanted to be there with them but was forced to either go on assistance or stand up and be able to show them (by example) that obstacles in their lives could be overcome. On a $9 an hour job paying $400 + for insurance a month didn't leave much left. Four nights a week attending college full time after working eight hours with special needs kids. Having to have extended family be there for them (sports games/ special awards for academic achievement) when I couldn't be. Making sure they didn't work during high school and them enjoying it - oh yea - my second said the night before graduation.. he wished he could do it all over again. That was a HUGE victory for me... Now he's in nursing school and working full time. Coming head on with my exes alcoholism and the generations that the disease has taken down - I was determined that it would not come down another generation. THAT was another victory and blessing for me. Two out of three have escaped - but still working on the third... I'm not saying I sacrificed (they didn't ask to be raised in a single parent home) - but my kids sure did... and they or I would not have it any other way..
Laurie, I don't have time to give this the sort of answer I would like to give, but I wanted to answer anyway as your question and especially some of the answers have touched my heart.
I am also 43. My infertility journey is more one of loss and grieving. I had an ectopic pregnancy come to crisis on my 37th birthday. I had been so happy to be pregnant and I was completely slammed with grief. There's a lot more to that story, but this is not the place... I went on to have at least one more ectopic pregnancy and at least 2 miscarriages too early to tell. And I got caught up in the whole fertility treatment thing and ended up with an ivf miscarriage also.
Anyway, what I want to say is that I feel for you, and I think that in some ways my journey of loss and grief was easier than straight infertility. I had something to attach my feelings to--the loss of my babies--and I think that is easier than mourning not getting pregnant. And as much as early pregnancy loss is discounted, it isn't nearly as much as intertility.
I wonder about how the losses of infertility and being adopted interact for you. Both are losses at one's very core, but both are glossed over by so many as unimportant.
Anyway, to answer the question you actually asked:
I suppose I have "sacrificed" a lot as a parent. Free time and spending money and sleep of course are almost a given (though the latter seems a bit more sacrified to Y!A? of late (and I do mean "late")). We went to a lot of concerts and plays before we adopted, and when she was a baby we could take her, but she got too verbal and so we have been lying low for a few years, and I do miss it. And I don't have nearly the time to read that I used to, and reading is pretty much who I am. The biggest thing, I guess, is that I really never have time "to myself." I am still by myself sometimes, but I still know there is always someone dependent on me, so my time doesn't ever feel like just mine.
But the thing is, I just don't think about all that stuff. Okay, I do think about it, but I'd never really thought about it as a sacrifice. It kind of just happened. And that is kind of amazing to me, thinking back, because I really did worry about this before becoming a parent. I even asked my boss (we are both librarians) if she still got to read after becoming a mom--and she reassured me that she made time. But after I became a parent (my daughter was 14 months old and VERY clingy) it was just almost instantly all about her. It was a huge adjustment, I'm not discounting it, and I'm sure there is a lot I'm forgetting, but really the sacrifice has never really felt like one. Wishing you all the best, Andrea
So many women know the joys of raising (a) child/ren and know the sacrifices that they have gladly made for them. And yet we see all of the time how women here and elsewhere tell young expecting mothers that they will be sacrificing their youth, freedom, education, etc., if they decide to parent.
I did get a bachelors degree - 21 years after surrendering my only child for adoption. I don't think that my education holds a candle to experiencing life with my son. Freedom? I had the freedom to wallow in unexpressed grief for years. Youth? It passes one way or another, why not spend it with the person that you brought into the world.
I don't know if I am infertile or not, I never wanted to have another child after losing my son. In fact, I was terrified of becoming pregnant again because I thought that I didn't deserve to have another child. However, there were many times over the last 20+ years that, as I've thought of my son, I also thought that I would have been a good mom, how much I would have enjoyed it, how much I would have grown from raising a young man and the pride I would have felt for both of our accomplishments. I still think I would have done fine, but I'll never know.
Young women need to be encouraged to take the challenge of raising their children. It is the responsibility that will help them grow, and many of them do have the potential to grow to be good moms.
I would never sacrifice the opportunity to raise my own son again. I would never suggest that a young woman choose that route.
I know this answer is a bit different than what you were looking for, but it is another angle of adoption.
I was born with a medical condition called a bladder extrophy. This means my bladder was on the outside of my body. It was put back in place when I was 6 months old. I never had the proper control of my bladder so when I was 6 yrs old I had to have a urostomy. My abdominal muscles were very week and my bladder ended up prolapsing (falling out) when I was a teenager. It was surgicaly removed and I was told I could never carry a child full term ad that a pregnancy would ba a danger to my health. I also have kidney problems so a pregnancy would put too much of a strain on my kidneys.
I ended up getting pregnant when I was 17. I was taking the pill and had used a condom. The Doctors wanted me to abort my child becasue of my health issues. I had done everything possible (besides abstinance) to prevent a pregnancy. I am not a very religious person, but I felt I was pregnant for a reason.
I was in my senior year of high school and had scholerships for college. I wanted to work with abused children. Because of my pregnancy, I had to quit school because I was on bed rest by my second trimester. I missed graduating with my friends and had to give up my scholerships. My son was acually born on what would have been my graduation day.
I never felt like I sacrafised anything though. I had it in my head that this was Gods plan. My first-born is now a Freshman in college. He is majoring in Secondary education with minor in Special education. In a way, he is following my dreams of working with children.
EDIT: I did end up getting my GED and went to college, but it was part time while working and raising my children. I think I sent a prety good example to them by showing them you can accomplish anything with hard work.