What is the best way for an adoptee to tell their adoptive parents they're thinking of searching for a first mom/family? What can an adoptee say to parents to ease their concerns, fears, and/or insecurities (about searching)?
What would you like to know about your adoptee's desire to search? How can an adoptee help AP's see that their desire to search has NOTHING to do with their feelings of love for or loyalty to their parents?
When I see comments about an adoptee's desire to search being 'an insult to the family that took you in, raised you & loved you like their own', I really wonder if there's any way to reassure parents.
2008-05-21T14:38:46Z
I found my first mom in 1983 & my bio dad in 1986. My a.mom gave me the initial info I needed to begin my search - when we talked about a TV movie called "Stranger Who Looks Like Me".
I had been estranged from my a.parents for about 6 years when I did did my search. Finding my first mom prompted a 'reunion' with my a.parents.
My dad supported me in my search, even though he felt a bit threatened (feared loosing me). I love him MORE for supporting me in spite of his fears. And told him so.
I'm asking b/c of the many responses I see - some from AP's - that say they'd feel insulted or similar comments.
Thanks to everyone for your answers!
Erin L2008-05-21T03:06:30Z
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Robin,
Well, I wouldn't expect my daughter to have to walk on eggshells and soothe me for her to get my support. In fact, we're attempting to keep in contact with her birthfamily so that she will have the opportunity (semi-open intenational adoption). I guess it would hurt if my daughter really pulled away from our family, but from my understanding, at the beginning of reunion it is common for adoptees to do that somewhat at the beginning. I will understand and support her. I don't view the desire to search as a reflection on the adoptive parents, I just view it as natural. For those who do take it as insult to their parenting, I don't know what an adoptee could do. The adoptive parents just need to get over it.
I'm not sure there is a best way. Ideally this would have been open from the beginning, discussed by the adoptive parents as the adoptee was growing up, with the explicit statement that the a-parents would understand and support the desire to search and would help in any way they could. If the adoptee wasn't raised this way, then I think it sends the message that the adoptive parents don't want their son or daughter to search, or don't want to talk about it. And of course the adoptee gets that message loud and clear and that can be so hard on them. That is why I think openness and honesty are required of adoptive parents. And we can't wait for our children to bring things up, either. WE have to bring them up with them proactively, or they will likely get the message that we don't want to talk about it.
So if you (or any other adoptee) are in the situation of trying to break through that barrier of years of things not discussed, then I think you are in a hard spot and I admire the attempt to keep the lines of communication open, even if it is really hard. I guess the best way would be to be honest, straightforward and loving, just as everything should have been all along.
Sometimes it can help to write everything down in a letter. That way you can say everything just right. When emotions are running high, it can sometimes be hard to say what you meant to say, and sometimes misunderstandings can happen for no good reason and that is sad. One good way to do it might be to write the letter and then deliver it in person, give them time to read it, and then talk about it. But all that would depend on the dynamics of the particular family.
In terms of what to say, I know I would like to know how my son or daughter felt in their heart and also what they thought. I would want to know their fears and secret hopes and dreams. And even though it really should go without saying, I think it is normal for an adoptive parent to feel insecure in such a situation, so it would be nice to be explicitly told that the desire to search had nothing to do with my parenting.
I wouldn't worry too terribly much about the "insult to the family that ... raised you..." comments, because I think they usually come from people that are not connected with adoption. I think most adoptive parents are a little less clueless than this. Or at least I really hope so, for their child's sake. I obviously can't say for sure, because it is not my reality, but I guess if I were adopted and really thought my adoptive parent(s) believed this, then I probably wouldn't tell them, or at least not until I was in reunion. But then I suspect I already wouldn't have been having that much contact with my a-parents, if they were that hung up on my being "grateful."
If you are asking for yourself, then I wish you the best of luck both with sharing this with your adoptive parents and with your search.
ETA: Well, thanks for your response to our responses! Yeah, I had thought in the back of my mind that you were already in reunion, but it is hard to keep everyone straight!
I'm curious about what you think. How did you tell them? Why do you think reunion with your first mom brought you back together with your a-parents? More you, more them, some of each?
And regarding adoptive parents who would be insulted -- oh dear! I wish I knew how to break through their fears to their hearts, so their children won't suffer.
First of all, it is not the job of the adoptee to provide reassurance to the adoptive parent. When an AP takes on this responsibility, we know the things that we may be facing in the future and this tops the list.
The best way to tell me, is to just come out and say it. I really hope that when the day comes, my daughter will just come out and say, "Mom, I want to search". At which point I will tell her "let me know what I can do to help" and also let her know that her nmom did not want contact and to be prepared for that. But I would help her in every way possible.
While I love her dearly and hope that she has enough room in her life for both of her families should a reunion occur, I know that when it comes to this, I will have to have faith and let her go. I don't own her and the more control I try to exert over the situation will send her running in the other direction.
I think that with any big announcement that someone makes to their family, it's normal to expect some kind of initial reaction. People say things when they are in shock that they would not normally say. My mom, whom I love very much, said some awful things to me when as a teenager, I told her I was pregnant. But I think that shock-reaction needs to be given a pass.
I believe that the adoptive parents should also be allowed to express their feelings (which are just as valid as the adoptees' feelings) even if that involves expressing fear of losing their child.
Yes, the search is about the adoptees, not the adoptive parents, but if it's not "okay" for the adoptive parents to talk about their feelings and fears, doesn't that feed into the negativity?
I also think that timing and "setting" is important when making a big announcement. A funeral, for example, is not the best time to begin this conversation. Your "audience" needs to be in a place where they are able and willing to hear what you have to say.
I suppose I am speaking more to adoptive parents that wouldn't be expecting their children to search for their first families. I think that it's becoming more and more talked about, as time goes on. Current adoptive parents of young children as well as future adoptive parents will probably be better prepared for this than people who adopted twenty or thirty years ago.
Well, my children will not have to tell me anything accept that they are ready. But, if my child was concerned about hurting my feelings (which I wish they would not be), I would advise them to say something like this, "Mom and Dad, you are great parents and I love you very much. I know that you love me very much. I know that you love me as your own, and I have always felt that love. However, there are some pieces of my life that are missing--like pieces of a puzzle. I know that I will never feel that I am complete without those missing peices. "
"I know that you are concerned about what I might find when I start searching. I don't want you to be. Because, you see, it doesn't matter what I find, it will still be the missing pieces of the puzzle of my life, and that will make it okay. It will never affect my love for you. It's just something I have to do, to feel complete. And, knowing that I have such great parents to lean on will make it easier for me if what I find turns out to be painful for me. I also want you to know that there is a group of people who are helping me. They are Adult Adoptees, and they are my support group. The know me, and love me, and understand what I am going through. They will be with me every step of my journey, and you can trust them to look out for me."