Breakdown...what do I do?

Question

In 2004 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder type 1. My parents didn't understand what it was(even after 2 doctors and my primary explained it them). My parents saw it as a temporary depression.

So up till 2008 its been a horrible battle, between the uncontrollable manic episodes, and the lousy depressive episodes.

During these 4 years, I lost insurance because I turned 18, but then for some reason my dads policy changed I got it back in mid 2007. So immediately, not being able to bear bipolar disorder, i told my parents to help me. I forgot that they never really helped me the first time around, and kept on telling me to basically snap out of it.

It got so bad I had to take the fall 2007 semester off. I told my parents I REALLY REALLY need help, because my college was being affected. I told them I can't return to college till they help me. They said "sign up for Spring 2008, DONT WORRY WE WILL HELP YOU. So I did, and told them that during the 1 term break from college, my bipolar got worse, shifting between mania and depression almost daily. Well i took their word and went to college for Spring 2008, but things weren't going so well. So I kept nagging them, telling them how serious my condition is, and all they said was "we are looking for a doctor".

So things took a turn for the worst in May. I started having insane suicidal thoughts, day and night. Once again I told them, and explained that I feel suicidal. They said "why would you feel suicidal, your life is perfect, we treat you so good" YEAH RIGHT......

So till 3 weeks ago, I told my parents NINE TIMES since May that I am very suicidal, especially in the past few weeks. I also started having insane homicidal thoughts now about people I am cool with.....So I told them again, AND AGAIN they said "we are going to help you, but why do you feel this way" I explained to them its FREAKING UNCONTROLLABLE....they can't seem to accept the fact that i have a mental illness and my ******* thoughts are uncontrollable, I am NOT in control of my feelings, and i don't do things on purpose...

So 2 weeks ago my girlfriend breaks up with me because i called her clingy and she thought i was really unstable. Not that big of a deal, but it obviously hurt me on top of all these other things.

So i go to my dad and sit him down and tell him i am having very suicidal and homicidal thoughts... he acts like he understands me and then ask me "are you getting a job?"................................. I tell him that I really need this sorted out before I start Fall 2008 semester and also tell him that school starts on the 25th and money is due by the 21st. I run this by my dad 2 times.

Last weeks he comes to me and asks me if I want to go to college ever again...DUH HELLO, I AM GOING TO BE A JUNIOR, I NEED TO FINISH AND GET OUT. I tell him yes and that payment is due on the 21st. I check online to see if my dad paid, and nothing. So I just told my dad to pay, and he says "you always gotta bring stuff up last minute" WTF i didn't think 2-3 weeks is freaking last minute....

After that I flipped, I felt like destroying the house and was about to hit my dad, THANK GOD, i ran outside or i think i'd probably be in jail. 

I am back in my room, and the homicidal thoughts are gone, but the uncontrollable suicidal thoughts are still there, and I don't want to die... its just so convenient... the rat poison, the pills, my knife....  all in arms reach......

I don't what to die, I don't want to speak to a suicide hotline, they didn't help last time, and the school counselor just nods her head and acts just like my parents..."you gotta stop and block it out"

Only my doctors understood me but since then 1 retired and i can't find the other..............

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Ok, Lost, I have read all your writings and all your questions.  

I think I have some answers for you.  From what you say, I believe your parents are in denial about your condition.  In other words, I dont this your Dad has accepted the fact that you are bipolar.  I also think that until very recently you, yourself, was in denial.  

The promising thing I see here is that you NOW know you need help and are seeking it.  The problem you now have is no one is listening to you.  OMG do I know how that feels.  

I know you dont want to her this but you need to go back to one of your doctors and if one retired and you cant find the other, then you need to get another doctor.    

My son is 22 years old and, well, it would take days to explain what he has done.  He, too, is having problems finsihing college.  He only has one year to go.  It is impossible to go to school while your in an episode.  

I have reasearched for almost a year now every single medicine for bipolars.  I have spent ennumerable hours researching for my son the best possible treatment.  I came up with LAMICTAL because it has the least amount of side effects.  There are also other drugs.  

You see bipolar is a chemical imbalance in your brain and while it is not cureable, it IS treatable.  The nuerotransmitters in your brain containing the serotonin either go too fast or too slow at times thus causing mania or depression.   If you are having suicidal thoughts, there is an urgency here to seek professional health care.

Please email me and I will tell you more because I am running out of space here.

Take care.  Good luck.  I wish you the very very best.  Hope to hear from you.

ypool_goddess · Answer

You need to get to an emergency room immediately. I was scared to death of the thought of going to a mental hospital before my first attempt. But it wasn't that bad. It's a heck lot easier than dealing with the pain you're suffering from now. When you're somewhere where you know you have no means to attempt suicide, it eases the fear, and then you can work on getting better. They will only keep you a couple days(more than likely-since it's not an attempt.) They will set you up with an appointment with a mental health clinic for follow up care before you leave. And since you're an adult, you don't need your parents permission to go to the ER. 

Please go ASAP. You don't have to wait until you hurt yourself for others to believe you. I believe you. 

When I told my family, they didn't take me seriously either, not even my husband of 12yrs. They told me to stop acting out for attention, get over myself, and if I was going to do it stop talking about it and do it already. After being in ICU for a few days after my last attempt, I think they realized I was serious. 

If you feel you do need your parents blessing, maybe you should deliver some suicide prevention literature to them.

As for your school counseler, she needs FIRED! I'd be more than happy to call her superiors for you if you'd like to supply the information.

Anonymous · Answer

Good lord. Your parents really need to wake up. I just got out of a really nasty mixed episode (I'm bipolar as well) and if I hadn't had support, I probably would have offed myself or someone else.

Here's all I can tell you at this point.

If they aren't going to help you, you need to help yourself. You are an adult, and you have insurance, correct?

Start making phone calls. Find yourself a psychiatrist. If your suicidal/homicidal thoughts are really serious, go to an emergency room RIGHT NOW and tell them you are in a mental crisis and you want to be committed for 72 hour watch and referred IMMEDIATELY to a psychiatrist who can deal with bipolar.

You need to do this. You need to keep yourself and others safe, and you need to put yourself back on track to getting your life together.

Don't put it in your parent's hands. They aren't helping you, and you're an adult now. Take the reigns.

Best of luck to you, and feel better soon.

Anonymous · Answer

you wouldn't believe my fing story, if somebody can help me in some kind of way and listen to this story let me know, I don't want to die, I'm pshychically injured from drunk driver, the things going on in my world can't be. Take me serious. how do i come back here? I am like predicting bad events before they happen in my life and then they happen and I'm 38 and I need help. Anybody out there, I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm in shock. Can someone help

Hediedforme2 · Answer

Sweetie,do NOT ask your folks for help.PLEASE GO TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL NOW.The insurance will pay.I'm B.P.too.I DONT want you to DIE.GO get in your car NOW and JUST GO TO THE  HOSPITAL.TELL THEM you are having SUICIDAL/Homicidal thoughts.You will be baker acted.Put in a mental facility that will HELP you.Medications, a Doctor. HELP for YOU.You will see some very disturbed people.Dont worry,just be GLAD your not as bad as some folks with mental illness.BiPolar is lifelong.YOU be in charge of YOU.Mental health Facilities will help with funding for DOCs, MEDs & even cash and housing.It's slow but work with it.My  family thinks I should "SNAP" out of it?WHAT ********.I told them you dont need by-pass surgery-just "snap"out of it.P.Od them but I got a laugh out of it.Oh THEY didnt "snap"out of it! I'v gone to the hospital 4 times because I NEEDED HELP.Just GO,PLEASE.You will get better and I'm sorry to say your folks are as dumb as mine.YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU<PLEASE<J(i wish i could contact you directly,but i'll be Praying ok)

Breakdown...what do I do?

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