Growing up, when you were asked how you "felt" about adoption did you tell the truth? Or if you were asked if you wanted to "find" your parents, were you honest with your adoptive family?
I had wonderful parents and, as a kid, when they wanted to talk or asked how I felt about searching, I didn't want to hurt their feelings so I told them I had no interest.
Anonymous
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I was NEVER asked how I felt about adoption. And even if I had been asked, I really don't think I would have been able to articulate my feelings in a convincing manner. I mentioned once in a great while that I wanted to find my bparents...and was told that it was impossible, the records were sealed, and that I had a birth certificate that said my aparents were my progenitors. I grew up thinking that I was the only adoptee in the world who wondered and wanted to search. I searched when I was in my 40's. And I have never told anyone in my afamily that I searched and have contact; and I have no intention of ever doing so.
Peony
This is the dilemma that children are put in when surrendered by their parents and then parented by adoptive parents. They then have "two" sets of parents and have divided loyalty. It is unfair but it is what it is. So it is so hard for a child, no matter what age, to be completely honest with either parent. When asked by a birth mom do you hate me? They say no but may actually have hate in their hearts. When asked by an adoptive parent do you want to search, they may say no but they might really be curious. This is the permanent division that some adoptees feel, but not all. This was created by being surrendered by the person that all of society says would protect and care for us above all others. Then we have to make some kind of sense out of this when there are few examples of how to do this. Examples of total protection and fierce love are around us. But how do we justify being given up? That is tough and takes a pretty stable, healthy, giving and mature mind and heart. Not everyone in life has that. Therefore, some of us lie, some of us struggle, and some of us find ways to heal.
Moggy
When I was asked?...never happened, well not that I recall, had the books and all but never asked how I felt about it. Occasionally when I was really bad amum would mention she should have given me back etc. Now once I started searching I only told my amum because she knew it was happening (she worked where the legislation was changed). But was I or am I any more honest about my feelings...yes and no.
I do sometimes talk honestly about my feelings but then I catch the look in her eyes and decide maybe telling her I felt like cr*p and never fitted in is not the best thing for our relationship.
My adad never knew I had searched until I got married 11 years after first searching and finding nfamily…only because my sister was going to be there and I told him about a day before the wedding. Have never discussed in the 4 years since because I know he would be so hurt to know how outcast I feel from my afamily - despite the fact I attend every family event.
Phoenix
My APs don't really talk about feelings. They're not very good at that kind of stuff.
I always said I wanted to search and they knew that. But I have never & probably won't ever tell them truly how I feel about adoption. It took me years to even ask them why they didn't help me when I was being bullied in school. I never even considered asking them why, until someone suggested it.
My amom has always described me as quite a private person, but its incredibly hard to be open and honest about your feelings when you've already been abandoned by one set of parents and don't trust anyone to be there for you no matter what.
H******
I did the same as you. I was filled with fear that if I told them how I really felt (you know, in those moments of self-reflection) that there was a risk of being abandoned or rejected - again.
It wasn't their fault, they're good people and the perceived abandonment/rejection would never have happened. I know that now, but as a child I wasn't even going to risk it.
As adults we are very open and secure in talking about it and my adoptive family has been incredibly supportive through my search and reunion - the best. They just wish I'd been able to discuss it with them sooner and feel sad that I was afraid to speak about it when I was a child, despite their best efforts and reassurances