I really don't need to ask this question to know that my friend is in an abusive relationship with her husband. She's come to work with black eyes (of course, she got them cause she fell while "drunk"), and has even complained that he's sprayed her with his Mace (he's a police officer). She's cried a lot to me about him, and has even admitted they haven't been intimate in almost 8 years.
I've seen the way he treats her in public, so I can't imagine how he is in private. And whenever he talks down to her, I end up sticking up for her, because she's too afraid to say anything. I've told her to leave him, but for some reason, she's sticking around. They don't have any kids, so I don't know what the problem is.
My question is this: is isolation another aspect to domestic violence? She's really upsetting me, because I haven't seen her in almost three months (which is actually typical of our relationship.) We just made plans to get together tomorrow, because I'm going through something and really need to talk to her. Next thing I know, she leaves me a voice message saying he really just wants to hang low at the house with her tomorrow, so I can't come over.
In truth, I'm not the only one of her friends who has taken a back seat to her husband (who, by the way, has no problem going out with HIS friends and leaving her at home.) She's literally become his possession, and it sickens me. I'm so mad, and I don't know what I should say or do, if anything at all. Any advice?
Judie W2008-08-31T19:15:01Z
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Did you know over two women per week are killed by current or ex-partners, and that one in four women in the UK will experience domestic violence in their lifetime?
This guy is controlling and most likely does not like her to have friends. Please please give her the number of Womens Aid and sit with her while she rings them. Explain it to her first so she knows you want her to make the call and tell her that nobody will judge her and nobody will tell her what to do. They are there to help. She does not have to leave if she doesnt want to but there is a friendly voice on the other end of the phone anytime she needs it as they have a 24 hour helpline. Just make her aware of Womens aid and get her to speak with somebody there and at least she knows help is available. Lots of women are killed because of domestic violence and if she ever finds herself running down the street in her bare feet in the middle of the night. She will have someone to call for help. She will be afraid to ring the police. obviously as her husband is a police officer.
Contact the freephone 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge
CALL: 0808 2000 247
What is domestic violence? In Women's Aid's view domestic violence is physical, sexual, psychological or financial violence that takes place within an intimate or family-type relationship and that forms a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour. This can include forced marriage and so-called 'honour crimes'. Domestic violence may include a range of abusive behaviours, not all of which are in themselves inherently 'violent'.
What is the official definition of domestic violence?
The Government defines domestic violence as "Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality." This includes issues of concern to black and minority ethnic (BME) communities such as so called 'honour killings'.
What are the signs of domestic violence?
* Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening * Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions. * Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework. * Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements. * Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives. * Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public. * Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children. * Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation. * Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling. * Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.
I feel your friend could benefit from floating support at the very least.
Floating support: Domestic violence service providers have developed a range of services to reach out and offer support and help to women whether or not they are staying in refuge accommodation. Floating support is a specific type of outreach service that is designed to support women who wish to remain in their own homes (regardless of the type of tenancy they have), or who are in emergency or other temporary accommodation.
Oh you better believe it is. I was married to a man like that for 8 long years and I wasn't even allowed to have a phone, letters in the mail, friends, visits from relatives and he literally kept me barefoot and pregnant. I finally found the courage to call domestic violence and they not only hid me in a 'safe house', they bought me and my kids food, took me to all court sessions, found me an apartment and basically got my life back in order. I am very grateful to them, and I never looked back.