social workers, adoptive parents, birth-mothers, and adoptees what are your experiences with open adoption?
I gave my baby up not too long ago, I really miss him. The adoptive family agreed to let me visit with him in six months. I was under the impression that I would get to go where they live, stay for a few days (about three) and be part of his life. The social worker at the agency neglected to tell me the details, I was just promised a visit. When I asked her about it yesterday she said that they would come down here and I would visit for a few hours. They get a lifetime with him and all I get is a few hours.
I guess it's my fault for fantasizing about an amazing couple of days with my son. Actually he isn't my son not anymore. It feels like they don't want me to see him. Like I'm some human incubator they can throw away like I don't matter. I love him so much. I don't know how I was able to give him up. I wish I was never in this situation.
My open adoption doesn't seem very open at all. No one trust me. Everything I want to say or send has to go through the agency. I don't get an address to write to. It's like they think I'll show up out of no where trying to be part of his life, when that's not the case. I understand that they need to bond but what about me? That sounds incredibly self-ish doesn't it? What happens after the meeting? If all goes well with the visit will I be allowed more visits? will the agency always control the meetings? will the family ever trust me? Should I just let go?
Is it worth all the pain to get letters and pictures when I can't even see him? should I continue to torture myself or just let them be a family and wait for him to coming looking for me someday?
aloha.girl592008-11-12T23:44:22Z
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(((Emmy)))
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It really sucks that you were led to believe one thing when no one actually planned to follow through with it.
One thing you said really stood out to me. Your son will *always* be your son! He has an adoptive family now, but you are his first mother and always will be. Because of that, stay in touch with your baby and his adoptive family as much as possible. Write letters, send pictures of yourself, your family, your home, and anything else you think your baby would like to see someday. Hopefully his adoptive parents will realize how important it is for him to know you and they will keep the pictures and letters for him to see when he's a couple of years older. More importantly, I hope they live up to their promise to allow you to spend time with your baby.
I adopted my son five years ago, when he was 2-1/2 years old. He was adopted through the foster care system and we weren't allowed to remain in contact with his first mother. Quite honestly, even if we had been, I was so insecure at the time that I might not have wanted it. Now that I know the things I do -- chiefly that it's essential for an adopted person to know his roots and the people who are part of his bloodline -- I wish we had some sort of contact with my son's first mother. With luck, your son's adoptive parents will come around too.
I am so very sorry that you are going through this. You are wrong about one thing - he is and always will be your son. Your signature on a piece of paper cannot change that. He needs you to stay in his life. Please demand that your agency provide you with free counseling to help you be the best mom to your son that you can. Hang in there for him. He need to know that you are there for him.
Agencies paint a pretty picture about open adoption to expectant parents to increase the probability that they will give up their babies. Sadly, they neglect to mention that open adoption is still adoption with all of the inherent loss and pain for the mother.
The reason that your open adoption doesn't seem all that open any more is that many adoptive parents often talk out of both sides of their mouths. They frequently befriend the expectant mother and develop a very open relationship because they want to go to doctor's appointments and be in the delivery room for the birth of "their" baby. They also do it because it is likely that they can "guilt" the mother into going through with the adoption even if she is wavering after birth. Then once they get the baby, they slam the door in the mother's face and all of the openness evaporates. When the mother wants to maintain the previous level of openness, they accuse her of "crossing boundaries" and not being able to accept the fact that she "chose" adoption. It is a double standard of openness that the adoption industry encourages to make their selfish paying customers happy.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please contact Concerned United Birthparents (CUB) to get some support.
I think the most important thing that a person thinking of putting their child up for adotion should know is that an "open adoption" is not legal and binding, and once the child is legally adopted, all bets are off, all contracts are off, it is 100% up to the adoptive parents if they wish to follow through with promises made to the birth mother.
Now I've lived through both sides of this coin, I am an adoptive parent. I did not have an open adoption, but I did allow his grandparents to see him when they wanted, I refused to let his Mom see him, but discussion is for another day. I can tell you though, as an adoptive parent, you do worry that the child will want his bio family, and you could feel threatened by those fears, that's why I think a lot of adoptive parents don't follow through with open adoptions.
I also am a foster parent, and one of my foster daughters (when she became an adult, age 24) put her child up for adoption, laughingly enough we decided that the adoption specialist at our agency was the perfect person to adopt this new baby. And as soon as the adoption was final, she quit her job with our agency, and refused to follow through with the open adoption agreement. In fact she is the one who told me, these contracts are not binding in a court of law. After investigating, I found out she was right.
I think birth mothers should be informed of their "legal or legaless rights" before the adoption.
I know this is off subject but I feel I need to say this. As an adoptive mother I think there is something wrong with raising a child that does not know you. He will want to know who he looks like, his first family, and everything biological. I am so sorry for your loss and I would fight for your baby. No matter what he is still from you and apart of you. I wish I could say the system was better but sadly after reading mothermothers questionsnswers i know it is not. But hang in there and maybe you will get an adoptive family like ours and you will know him and have meetings with him in the future. Not everyone is out there to take a baby and never let the first family see it. But if you don't get to see him keep writing letters. Even if he never gets them you need to keep a copy of them and show him that you never forgot him. But the moms could tell you what else to do. For me it means the world to my children to have little things like a hand written letter, a pic, a medical history, a family tree, or anything they can have that makes them know that they are loved but their first family. Once again I am sooo sorry but keep your head up. The battle is not lost until you let yourself loss.
The agency can't legally prevent you and the adoptive parents from trading contact information and communicating on your own if that's what you both wish to do.
However, the adoptive parents may not want or have ever wanted a truly open adoption. Did you discuss it with them directly at all prior?
DS's first mom and I discussed what "open" meant to each of us, exhaustively...but we didn't have an agency.
I suggest you bring it up honestly with them at the visit. Explain that you would rather have direct contact and see what they say.