Primal wound, I'm struggling to understand...Help?
I am reading and re-reading trying to digest one chapter at a time.
Attachment happens between adoptive mother and child.
Bonding can only happen between biological mother and her child as a continuum from the womb.
I get that. My problem is when i come up against this definition of the word bond.
human bonding: typically refers to the process of attachment that develops between romantic partners, close friends, or parents and children. This bond is characterized by emotions such as affection and trust. Any two people who spend time together may form a bond.
My head is just spinning trying to wrap my mind around this.....help. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_bonding
2008-12-06T19:17:23Z
Stillttc,
I totally agree with you. Maybe i'm just over thinking things. *sigh* Primal wound is such an informative and emotional read.
In the book they are two seperate things but in the definition they seem interchangable.
2008-12-06T19:26:47Z
Oh Independ"ant,
I could kiss you! I thought i was losing my mind. Thank you for clearing up my confusion.
I have 3 webster dictionaries in the house but with 5 kids, i can't find any of them.
2008-12-07T11:20:30Z
(((((((Sly))))))
2008-12-07T11:24:45Z
Thanks LT. I was one of those people who used both words interchangably. I think that added to my confusion.
Ollie,
I respectfully disagree. I love this book. Its such an emotional tough read but every aparent should read it. I find it rings true.
Anonymous2008-12-06T19:21:21Z
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Briefly read it and haven't read that book but what I think they're getting at is that attachment is "developed" as in over time and the maternal bond is automatic as in "instinctual and internally formed'.
Keep in mind its Wikipedia. Read this. I think it will answer your question.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:About
I think the way definitions are changed and altered today for political reasons is out of control. I wouldn't be surprised if someone added in extra definitions? to confuse it up.
I have not read the book, but in science and psychology, "bonding" is considered "the love-at-first sight" a birth-parent feels to a child; it is completely one-sided and occurs within the first hours or days of birth.
The word "attachment" refers to a reciprocal relationship, with both people working to maintain it; it develops over time.
Here is an interesting link: http://www.cyfc.umn.edu/policy/issues/Child-Adult_Attachment8-98.html
I think the general population uses "bonding" and "attachment" inter-changably without thinking of the difference. And I think whoever wrote the Wikipedia using "bonding" to describe attachment between adults, friends, etc, is "scientifically" incorrect from a psychological/neurodevelopmental viewpoint.
The best I can do is try to explain the difference I have seen in my own children and hope that it may shed a bit of light. I have 2 adopted daughters and 1 biological. I can tell they all love me as their mother, but I can also tell that my biological daughter is more attached to me than my other two ladies. I think it is because I was all she ever knew. She knew my voice, my touch, my scent ever since conception. When she was born I was not a stranger to her, she felt soothed by me and me alone. I do not believe that the difference has anything to do with my other daughter's special needs in any way, but rather the fact that they were not born to me. Granted, although they know they are adopted and have another mommy, I really don't think conceptually they understand what that entails because they are still quite young, but I believe in their hearts, they could always tell they were not physically of me. We were strangers when we met, even though I was the care giver from day one. It is human nature to want our mommy when born, and like it or not, I was not who they wanted. Over time, they bonded with me, but it did take some time. It is not their fault or mine, it's simply human nature. With my bio daughter I fill THE need, with my other gems, I fill A need.
I hope that make at least a little bit of sense.
Please understand that I am not saying the love we feel for one another is any different. They all shower me with the same genuine love and affection...how lucky am I!!!
I threw up through the entire book. The idea that my son felt those things made me physically ill. I never signed the papers, and didn't want to lose him, but for over 20 years, the idea that he had the "perfect life" was a consolation. He didn't. His life sucked. That book opened my eyes to the utter futility and uselessness of the entire loss for both of us. It made my unwilling but imposed sacrifice a sham. He would have done better with me in his own home. I know that and so does he. That is why we have such a difficult relationship, I believe.
I read a little on a shopping trip at Borders book store. My advice to you is do not read this book!!! It is hogwash. I am an adoptee and I will not be brainwashed.