My parents really didn't talk about my 1st mom too much. I was told that she & I were sick, my b.dad was at sea & she couldn't take care of me. Beyond that, I remember very little discussion about her. Maybe that's one reason I didn't think too much about my being adopted or wonder who she was until I was in Jr. High.
If your parents did talk to you about her - how often did they? Did you think of her often while growing up? Do you think your parents talking about her or not talking about her made had an impact on how often you thought about her? Would you feel guilty bringing up the topic?
I know I did! I felt like I was being disloyal & feared hurting my a. parent's feelings if I spoke of her.
2009-01-13T12:29:42Z
My a.mom once asked why I didn't ask her about my 1st mom. I told her that I didn't want to hurt her feelings. She gave me the 411 I needed to begin my search & was never jealous. My a.dad felt a bit insecure but supported my search anyway! After my reunion he realized that it wouldn't change our relationship.
Sadly, I cut off contact with my a.mom after my a.dad died (he's the reason she reluctantly agreed to my adoption). She left a voice mail telling me not to call her anymore. (She was abusive-physically & emotionally) That was 12 years ago. I'm still in regular contact with my siblings, tho.
Thanks to everyone for your stories! I don't know if I can pick a "Best One" because they're all uniquely "Best", really.
Sunny2009-01-10T20:24:10Z
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She was "the woman who gave birth to you" in my house. No, she was rarely mentioned.
Why would she be brought up? Not like there's any NEW information is a closed adoption. She was 'as if' dead.
My parents were more than willing to listen to me vent or to my statements of curiosity. Unfortunately, it was a closed adoption so they didn't have much information to give me. I never felt as though my speaking about my birth mother was being disloyal or disrespectful towards my parents. If they ever felt as though I was being such, I never knew about it. They were never insecure about anything until I decided to search for my birth family. There were some mixed feelings but I assured them that I knew who my 'REAL" parents were and that I was simply curious about where I came from and was not looking for a replacement. I just wanted to put the whole story together.
I always thought about my birth mother growing up. Not a day went by that she didn't cross my mind. Wondering why? Was something wrong with me? Once I had children of my own, I wondered how someone could put a child up for adoption once they see how beautiful that whole process is? But every circumstance is different. Did simply knowing impact my life? Oh YES! In sooooo many ways. By the time I got with my permanent family, I had trust issues and seperation anxiety and other issues. As I got older, I would constantly look around and wonder, "is that her? Could I be related to that woman over there? We kind of favor..." Things like that always went through my mind. My parents were wonderful about letting me know that what I was going through was normal. They did there absolute best to support. Whether that was counseling, reading books at the library or whatever, they did it.
When the time came for me to meet my birth mother, they were right there every step of the way. They helped and everything. Now my parents support me and help with the different stages of reunion. The ups and downs. I guess with all that being said, I don't feel bad or as though I am hurting my parents feelings when it comes to my birth mother. It is what it is, so we deal with come what may and pray for the best.
Hi robin. My parents didn't really speak about my birth mother, unless I asked. They were very open about my adoption with me, and gave me all the info that I needed. I got interested in Junior high too, and decided that I was going to find my birth mother. I did, and I also found my father and siblings too. I have never looked back, and although we don't speak that often, i feel I now have a connection with who I am.
My adoptive parents never ever spoke a bad word about my birth mother at all. They kept the whole adoption thing positive, which infact it was!
My a mom and I discussed her several times. She didn't know much, but she was willing to talk about her and the adoption thing for hours if I wanted to. I never felt as if it was a taboo subject. I certainly never felt disloyal or guilty for bringing it up. That really mystifies me. If people have assumed the role of parents, why would they want to limit conversation like that?
The only thing I was ever afraid to tell my a parents was a lie.
In my case, everything that could go wrong did go wrong. My adoption was a big family secret, and I was made to feel very guilty whenever I brought up my adoption or my biological parents. I grew up thinking I had to do everything in my power to please my adoptive parents because I was afraid they would disown me. I had top grades in school and was very athletic, a real overachiever , but as a teen, I felt so anxious all the time, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I had to receive professional help from a psychologist. It helped me a lot, but my parents felt very threatened by what was being discussed behind closed doors. My mother felt most threatened. She would say things like : "let go of the past, look to the future". In a way, she was aknowledging that something very wrong happened in the past even though she would never admit to it. I always knew that "the past" had nothing to do with my adoption but everything to do with by upbringing and my abuse. Years later, I gathered enough courage to find my biological mother. This was the greatest gift I ever received. The worst happened though : my greatest fear as a child became a reality, except it happened when I was old enough to deal with it, which is a good thing. I was 40 years old when I lost my adoptive family. It took years of being tormented and called "crazy" over and over again, but I finally had to make the most difficult decision of my life and cut all ties with them. I still cannot believe what happened to me. I hope it is very very rare.