APs/PAPs:why is an adoptee's curiosity considered 'disloyal'?
Why does an adoptee's curiosity or desire/need to find his or her roots seem like such a threat to your relationship (with them)? Why is it perceived as being disloyal to you, the a.parents?
Is there something your adult adoptee can do to reassure you? Would you rather not know about their search & reunion?
I know many APs & PAPs in this forum are comfortable with their kids one day searching for & a possible reunion with 1st family members.
I'm asking the question because I'd really like to understand from your perspective what's going through your mind when you think about search & reunion for your child when they grow up.
Thanks in advance for responding...
2009-01-31T07:55:05Z
You all are the APs I was talking about-the secure ones who don't make adoptees feel guilty about the desire to search or our sometimes militant stance about open records for adult adoptees. You all rock!
I hoped to also hear from those APs/PAPs who frequently make negative comments about adoptees searching for their "pasts".
My a.mom gave me the initial info needed to start my search. She was very secure. My a.dad was a bit fearful he'd lose me (no way!) yet supported & encouraged me in my search. Which made me love him even more & deepened our relationship. As a BSE adoptee, the idea of growing up in an open adoption is so foreign. It did cross my mind when I met my 1st mom that I wish I could have known her growing up. She wasn't a danger, just a poor working mom.
To you APs who's kids 1st parents are dangerous & still support their connection & possible reunion-WOW! =D You're amazing!
Thanks all!
BLW_KAM2009-01-31T05:46:02Z
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It's not disloyal for my daughter to want to know about her roots. On the contrary, I'm often stumped by the fact she doesn't seem to care much at the moment. But then again, she's only ten.
I think the key is the PAP's or AP's sense of inner security. If they have been rejected, abandoned, or wounded by relationships they may attempt to control situations so they aren't hurt again. Their child's search and reunion makes them afraid of another rejection.
If on the other hand the PAPs or APs have inner peace, they know the love their child feels for them and vice versa cannot be lessened by search and reunion.
I'm not sure about what an adult adoptee can do to reassure her/his parents. Openly expressing love is always a good idea, but if Mom and Dad are insecure, they need a good dose of counseling and personal growth. Adult children should not be responsible for the emotional maturity of their parents.
I think an AP who actively brought a child.baby into their home has an obligation to support their child's search. I've heard stories where when the child turns 18 and the natural parent finds them, they are hung up on by the parents etc and that is just plain really wrong. As an AP if there was information I had that would make me think there was a reason to question their influence, I would ask questions so I could pass the information on to my child, but YES children have a right to search.
I keep putting myself in their shoes and yes...no matter how much I loved my AP's--I would still be chomping at the bit to figure out where did I get my eyes from, my odd sense of humor, my gift of running etc.
I think some people are more insecure than others. I have seen jealous husbands and wives who get worked up when their spouse talks to the other sex. Some people have total faith in their relationship and some don't !! Some mom's are jealous and even paranoid when their son's marry.
Now lets apply the same insecurity to a parent- child relationship when a parent starts feeling threatened with the other parent in their child's life.
So some are insecure and some don't feel threatened.
I would like to know and help my daughter search when the time comes. I am intending to teach her Spanish so that she never feels she is unable to communicate with her birth mom. I intend to always send updates to her birth mother so that she knows her child is safe and happy. That is my thanks to her.
Now let me share with you i often try and visualise the time when my daughter starts searching and is about to go into a reunion i can imagine that little bit of insecurity and probably jealousy creeping up.
You ask 'Is there something your adult adoptee can do to reassure you?" I would say yes. Show your insecure parent that you will continue to love and hold them in equally high esteem as usual. Maybe pay a little extra attention to them at the start till the parent/s can resolve their insecurity and feel secure. I see it the same way as when a child is the only child at home and mom comes home from the hospital with another baby in tow. Initially the child tends to feel insecure and needs attention and love just like the new born. Now people will argue this is not a "kid" but an adult. Honestly we ALL are not above those "childish" emotions. We all feel them even as adults and senior citizens. I know my mom acts highly childish at times. So then someone needs to be the mature one.
Sorry if this was too long. I recall a question long ago "Why should an adoptee deal with their AP's insecurities?". I would say "families" do it for each other. They are "FAMILY" and its worth it to do it for them.
specific i've got faith we do. possibly not interior the comparable order. a great style of adoptees like me have continuously elementary they're accompanied so it extremely is not a unexpected loss as such yet extra of a starting to be realisation of what has been taken faraway from you as a result i experienced denial, anger and bargaining in various quantities as a teenager. melancholy has not come to me i'm happy to declare yet anger is my maximum suitable pal on the 2d! i don't be conscious of approximately attractiveness.....i don't think of i'm going to ever settle for that issues would desire to not have been diverse.
APs are not the only "threatened" people in a reunion. Husbands and wives, brothers, sisters, anyone close to the adopted person can become jealous and insecure.
In fact, the same issues happen on the "other side', the bio-side, as well.