Adoptive parents, would you ever close your adoption agreement?
For those of you with open adoptions or who started out with open adoptions are there any reasons you would decide to close yours or have closed it?
I ask since there are a number here who have said they think they should be legally enforceable and that any reason for closing one is unacceptable.
Personally I can see some instances where it would be needed to close one or at least restrict it. I'm fine with open adoptions but I think there are some cases where its warranted.
Birth parents are there any reasons that are understandable to you or that would cause you to close it from your end?
This applies to minors only since after 18 its really up to the child.
2009-03-18T23:06:49Z
Aloha- would those rules apply to the biological family as well? that they cannot move without notifying the adoptive family and cannot drop contact with no real reason?
as far as making it legally binding who would determine if there was a danger and it could be broken? you'd just have one persons word against the other in most cases. if there was no hard evidence to take to court but things had been threatened, etc.
2009-03-19T09:14:07Z
for those that think photos are okay and completely safe. when i first came on here there were bio parents who were actually stating that had they known where their kid was they would have stolen them. one said she had people in place and willing to do it for her. to me that would be reason to break off all ties including photos.
i'm paranoid i guess but if those feelings were stated and they knew our general location i don't put it past someone to stake out places and use the photos for comparisons.
BPD Wife2009-03-19T17:50:05Z
Favorite Answer
Yes. We began with an open adoption, despite the neglect and abuse our son experienced prior to and after birth. However, our son's original parents chose to "close" that openness by indicating they wanted nothing to do with our son. They now deny even having him!
We continued with an open relationship with our son's extended original family, and then his aunt & uncle chose to walk away as well. A few weeks later, they decided to come back into his life, then they walked away again. The last time they did this, they walked away for over a year. When I tried sending photos, they indicated they wanted "nothing" to do with our son. At that point, I made up my mind that we would not allow them back in his life again until he was old enough to choose whether he wanted a relationship with them or not. Our son's grandparents agree with us and are very supportive of that decision.
We know that our son will have enough to deal with as he matures enough to understand everything about his adoption and the sense of abandonment that he may feel. While I truly believe the more people who love him that are in his life, the better he will be, I also cannot allow people to "choose" when they want to associate with him or when it meets their needs to be involved. It is not fair to him.
We have a wonderful open relationship with our son's grandparents, and I would never want that to change. However, as with any situation, I must be responsible for my son's safety and well-being. If I ever felt that there was something that was causing him danger by being in an open adoption situation, I would have to close it to protect him. I feel that is the only reason an open adoption should become closed...when it is the child's safety or well-being at stake. It would be no different than having a biological child and not wanting to put them in any danger.
"I don't view it as an "open adoption", but more of a relationship between a lot of people, focused on our sons well being. All lasting relationships have ups and downs."
THIS is the attitude that should be had by BOTH sets of parents in an open adoption!! Adoption is supposed to be about what is BEST FOR THE CHILD(ren) and it is almost NEVER in their best interest to be completely isolated from their first family.
The ONLY time that an open adoption should be restricted* is if there is a legitimate safety concern for the child (or another party).
Also, I think that it is unfair to have relationships with multiple family members and then cease communication with everyone because of the actions of one family member.
*I think that even in cases where there is a possibility of harm at some point, there is still no need to permanently cut off ALL means of communication unless the danger is extreme. Certainly people need to be protected from harm, however, I feel that unless there is permanent factor of danger, there are still safe ways of preserving some kind of communication (ie: third party communication - such as through other family members) so that medical questions and other important items can still be exchanged without placing anyone in harm's way.
I'm an adoptive parent to three children adopted through the foster care system. Two have the same birth father and mother. We have an open adoption with the family of those two, but not with the other one, because his mother didn't want it. We write and receive letters from the birth mother. The grandparents and some of the other relatives, we actually see and spend time with. They are nice people, and they come to our house, and we go to theirs. My main reason for this is because my little daughter lived with her birth family until she was two and a half, and continued to see them while she was a foster child, we adopted her when she was four. I felt like it would do her harm to totally take them out of her life. Her birth grandmother and I are close to the same age, and we are friends now. In my opinion, there would never be a reason to close off pictures and letters. Visits, there might be, if the birth family caused trouble.
Only in the event of something that would make it legally and morally needed to protect the child's sake as in a natural parent would we close the door on our open adoption (examples: 1st parents being physically abusive towards anyone in the household, any reason that the child's physical or mental health would be affected negatively).
I think that visitation should be legally enforceable, in adoptions that have been promised as open. I think that any mother who is considering placing her child with an adoptive family should have that family take a lie detector test to make sure their answers about honoring open adoption hold up. I think that any agency who tells a PAP to check the box for open adoption, and then inform the adoptive parents to check it before they even ask how they feel about it should be closed down (I was told to check the box for open adoption, to open up more prospects for us while filling out the paperwork, and without talking about open adoption to anyone, knowing this agency would have screwed over any 1st mom who wanted open adoption, because they told me, "It isn't legally enforceable in this state (Arkansas)".
I think it needs to be treated under the courts in a very similar situation as divorce cases. I don't think custody should ever be changed, because once a child is adopted, it should never be changed to suit the parents, be it adoptive or natural, because kids need stability. I also think that instead of jail time, adoptive parents should be fined and that the fines could be collected by the sale of the home of the AP's, after all the children in the household are age 18, so that way, no child would be without a home.
I also think in cases where the natural parent don't bother to visit, or communicate in any way for a period of 2 years, or if they move without a forwarding address, and do not notify the adoptive family, that their rights should be surrendered.
I also think that in some cases of foster adoption, such as SOME milder cases of neglect, especially if a person has left the abusive spouse and moved on without them, that they should be able to apply for some kinds of visitation, even if it's just phone contact, or seeing a myspace page without identifying information. It depends on the child's desires, needs, and emotional ability to deal with the situation.
so, I do not actually have an open adoption agreement our children were adopted from foster care and we were not given this option.
My feelings about this subject are exclusive to ONLY the issues of Parental Rights. As a Parent I CAN Choose who has contact with the children I am responsible to care for and protect. If I decide my brother, the neighbor or any other person on earth is NOT a Good person to have contact with my children then I CAN DECIDE THAT!
This to me is the One and Only reason I feel that a Parent cannot be forced to allow contact. It would be the same as the courts ruling that my father had rights to contact with his grandchildren--we ALL KNOW that should NOT be Legally Binding and we all know there are some people parents have the right to protect their children from.
I do however, feel there are other legal ways to enforce an open adoption agreement and it shouldn't be much different then any Other Contact agreement situation between parents. Divorce Courts have a Huge Amount of experience dealing with Parental Rights, Custody, Contact and visitation situations...
Divorced people OFTEN make changes in these sorts of issues and legally we have courts who are able to hear and rule on such issues. I don't see why an Open Adoption Agreement could not be managed by the same courts who already deal with such matters. *