Adoptee's is there anything you would like to tell?
perspective adoptive parents and recently adoptive parents about the industry language that they are told to use?
My original question was deleted.
The point of that question (and this one) was to see why parents use this language, (that is not meant offensively) and to see what affects it has had over the years from those who it was used on.
Some answered that their children were in fact chosen. That works for me. Others talked about their preference to real language, (truth), and yet others pointed out that those very words helped mold them into people who went out of their way to remain pleasing to their parents in fear that if they were not perfect and still favored as chosen that they would be sent back. One even stated that she maintain her weight so as not to fall out of favor.
So is there anything that we can get out there that would be constructive, well meaning, and educational that does not defy TOS?
SJM2009-03-23T07:02:09Z
Favorite Answer
Well, I might get some flack for this, too.
As a great fan of Orwell, I don't want to amend the dictionary. I don't care about the contrived terms. I didn't even begin to hear them until the 80's. When my mom was explaining adoption to me, she didn't use jargon, and I appreciate that.
The thing is that I'M real, and some of the 'adoption language' terms aim to separate my reality from the reality of the rest of humanity. I have a real mom, just like everyone else. She didn't raise me. She still exists. I don't care if that offends some adoptive parents. It's not my day to please them. Nothing can erase her. Nothing. That's what makes her real. Without her, I'm not real. My existence depends upon her. It doesn't get any more real than that. She is much, much more than my first mother.
I don't mind modifying language a little in the interest of actually being able to carry on a conversation with other people. I will agree that the use of the word “real” causes conflict among strangers who are parties to adoption. But if my mom--the woman who adopted me, raised me, and explained adoption to me--had corrected me for calling my mother 'real', it would have been a note to self that as soon as I'm able to walk out her door, I would be gone. My mom was smarter than that. Instead, she said she hoped someday she could be my real mom, too. I thought that might be doable--mostly because she asked.
I found a handy-dandy word chart from Holt that says:
"The conscious and consistent use of positive adoption language affirms that adoption is as valid a way to build a family as birth." http://www.holtintl.org/adoption/language.shtml
First, don't take advice from anyone who claims you need to affirm that adoption is as valid as birth. Second, understand that the use of propaganda terms will not build a lasting relationship with anyone.
Mom did use the standard cliches. “Your mother loved you so much she gave you away,” “Other parents are stuck with their kids. We chose you,” and other nonsensical phrases that made my eyes gloss over and diverted my interest to the shiny stuff in her jewelry box. Those ideas don’t work, and they can do more harm than good.
I only knew mom for 14 years. The last year was very, very difficult. She developed brain tumors and lost her mind. She’s been dead nearly 30 years, but she still has my respect and loyalty because she respected me enough to ask for it. She didn’t set herself up as greater than, but instead hoped to be equal to. And so, she earned an irreplaceable position in my life.
LinnyG nailed all of mine. Especially this "real" nonsense.
ETA--Thanks, Sue, for that illuminating look at the alternate reality those involved with adoption are expected to live on a daily basis. We have to accept whatever identity our a'parents give us, and we have to wonder whether our original parents cared, all because of sealed records.
I dont know what the tos are for the adoption category, they seem to change on a daily basis
Here's my list:
Get rid of the word "birthmother". I am guilty of using the term in the past, I did not know how first Moms felt. Now I do. I try to educate people about the term now.
Get rid of the word "real". All FOUR of my parents are real. All 7 of my siblings are real. They have different roles in my life, even at the age of 43, but one set is no less real than the other.
For God's sake, get rid of the "Gotcha Day" celebrations. Yes, we know we officially gained a new family that day. BUT- we also LOST an entire different family that day, too. It does NOT matter what the circumstances were, and celebrating that day makes the child feel like people are celebrating their pain. I know that is NOT the ap's intentions, but most adoptees feel that way.
Get rid of the term "chosen child". Most adoptees cringe when they hear that word. To be "chosen" by our ap's equates with being "unchosen" by our first parents. Again- it doesn't matter if the relinquishment was voluntary, or involuntary. Yes, our ap's CHOSE to adopt. But for an overwhelming majority of adoptees, there was no choice. Our ap's were the next in line, we were the next baby. If our ap's had chosen not to adopt, we would have gone to the next set of ap's on the list.
Get rid of the word "gift". We were not gifts. Nor were we angels. Nor are we "special". We are KIDS. Those terms put a lot of pressure on adopted kids.
I also think we need to somehow figure out a different word for "bonding". I am bonded to both of my Mothers. A cellular, DNA, primal bonding with my first Mother. The bond I have with my A Mom is different. How could it NOT be? She did not give birth to me. She was a stranger when I was placed with her. She did not look, act, smell, breathe, cry, move , think or react like my first Mother. Any woman who has given birth, and medical science, for that matter will back this up. Did/does she love me? Yes. Did I love her? After I got to know her, yes. And I still do. Don't take it personally. My a Mom doesn't, because she KNOWS. She adopted me and my brother, then went on to have a bio kid. I feel that ap's who chose to deny science are setting themselves up for pain. It has NOTHING to do with our love for you. It's simple biology.
That's my simple list.
I have been feeling like some first Moms here do not like the words "relinquishment" or "surrender". Help me out with that. I feel they are better alternatives to "give up" or "give away". I hate those terms, too.
I may get some flack for this, but I cannot just say my issues of abandonment and self esteem are just because I was adopted. I could not have been adopted if I had not been surrendered. That's not a statement of blame, by any means. It's just that (B) could not have happened if (A) had not, and I feel like just saying, "Well...Im this way because Im adopted" could be misconstrued as a slam towards all adoptive parents. The only people I place blame on is a corrupt industry and the people who KNOW it's corrupt, yet choose to do what they want to fulfil THEIR needs.
I mean, seriously- no matter WHAT we say, we're going to insult someone. Im just trying to tell MY truth, and if it helps another person, thats awesome.
***ETA*** In "real life" I do NOT call or introduce my ap's as my "adoptive parents". They are my parents. Nor would I introduce my first mom as my first mom. I only do that on the internet as a way to avoid parental confusion. ;)
i can tell you one thing....the 'POEM' that a previous poster quoted is pathetic. it was painful to read. literally damaged my eyes. i may need to seek treatment
i AM NOT a grafted tree. that poem is nothing more than a feeble attempt to fart rainbows. grafted tree...ppffffftttttt.....
how desperate for love and approval must one be to sit down and honestly write such stuff? and to quote it, endorsing it? shows a complete foggy attitude.
wow...how disturbing.
anyway, i dont have an answer. i got nothin'.... sorry to highjack....but i COULD NOT let that rotting carcass of a poem go unaddressed and continue to smell up the joint. please everyone carry on...im done ranting
A poem The chosen one You chose me to be your child and took me when others could not care for me You cherished the life I had been given By someone unable to nurture me You were willing to feed me,clothe me,shelter me Most of all you gave me some one to belong to You sought me out and became my parent You wanted me-you needed me-and I needed you You talked to me,read to me,hugged me Kissed me good night and let me dream with you
Why did those others let me go Were they to young,too poor,too frightened Too overburdened or was life taken from them Did they want to keeep me-or didn't they care During our years together, I may wonder about Those who gave me life and let me go I well think of them with compassion Because they made possible the gift of you and a family What they couldn't give you did
You helped me to grow You were the tooth fairy,Santa Claus,the easter bunny You were there with band aids and medicine to At birthday parties,picnics,and holidays Trips to the park,the library,the zoo You were at schools plays,at camporees and graduation I had you to walk and talk with Sometines you went without to give to me You always shared, you always cared You chose me and gave me identity,pride and family You gave me your name-you are my parent By Virgina Cain REeno Nevada out of the bookPerspectives on a Grafted Tree thought for those touched by adoption