I posted a question about a particular term used in adoption language. I don't want to repeat the term because the questioin was deleted.
If any adoptive parents read the answers was there anything in those answers that struck a chord with you in regard to your own child?
Did it help to know that one woman felt her whole life that she needed to control her weight to stay in favor with her adoptive parents and not be returned, which in the end became a life long struggle for her?
That children prefer straight language to industry language?
And by the same token did anyone find it helpful or useful that some children were actually chosen? That some parents did in fact have the opportunity to select between more than one child?
Last but not least. if you were offended by my question can you tell me what offended you so as not to repeat the same mistake?
HappyMomAnna2009-03-23T10:49:03Z
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I either missed your question or wasn't offended?
As for this question eating disorders are a difficult issue--and can happen to nearly anyone. The reasons can be very hard to truly understand and a person may need a long time to genuinely process their reasons for their own eating disorder. Our little girl is receiving treatment for eating disorders in a group setting and is the only adoptee in a group of about 20 other girls her age. My mother has anorexia nervosa and as a child I was told by my parents they would never purchase me clothing over a size 10. My childhood experience caused me to be NOT reactive with my older children, and as young adults the fact that I was Not Concerned has turned into what They Pay their Therapist to overcome. I personally feel eating disorders are so common I have a difficult time connecting it directly to adoption issues.
We don't use "politically correct" adoption terminology with our children. Our daughter was 5 when placed and the word most often used in our home isn't Adoptive Parents, Adoptive Family or whatever--our daughter uses the term "Growing Up Family" since if everything actually turns out positive--she will have her Own family and be in the role of mother one day...
Our daughter never called her mother--mom she always used her first name even prior to being taken into foster care so we use that term with her.
Our son was much younger and is just starting to put things together. He has completely different feelings about the words he uses. We have only recently been able to help him understand that his mother was not a "baby sitter" because in his little mind this word was correct as he heard the story he was a baby and since we don't use baby sitters it was his word.
When I speak to them there are few "industry" words I use with them--these words typically come from the other children or professionals who are working with our children rather then from inside of our home.
I know that for our little girl her eating disorder is caused by years of not having enough food to eat and an internal need to hoard food. So for her I suppose her eating issues are directly related to adoption--but, maybe not in the same way you are thinking of the issue?
***ETA--and to be honest I think any rational conversation about the real feelings and expereinces of others Is Helpful.
IRL I tend to use more straight language. After I'm not 'schooled' by an industry on what language to use with my kids. (The only terms I don't use is 'real mum and dad.' since I feel this would be confusing for my kids when learning about adoption.) I wouldn't be offended if they used the term. But for some reason coming from people outside of our family I do find it offensive. I just control how I react, (that's far more important) so my kids don't grow up thinking you have to respond poorly to ignorance when it comes to words used by people who don't any different. And to see that just because some says something to you that you don't agree with doesn't mean they intended to hurt you by their words.
I did pay attention to what adoptee's had to say about adoption language. Some things I have taken into account for future years from the answers.
And I didn't find your question offensive at all. (none of your questions are intended to offend. I can see that in the wording.) I was surprised to see it deleted. I was interested in seeing your responses to it.
THANK you for your q and a. It was helpful for me...and I can't tell you why your question was deleted. Nothing was offensive about it--I even went back and read the TOS...I am not really sure at all.
I recently asked a question on YA of adoptive parents if they would post about their own first hand experiences of iffy behaviors of adoption agencies or DSS workers towards them or the natural parents of their children and my question was deleted almost immediately. Bodhi posted an answer that I thought may have hit close to other peoples experiences.
I questioned my deletion directly but haven't heard a response.....I invite people to email me privately on that one if they felt it was out of line in any way.
Unfortunately I missed the responses, but I thought the question was really interesting. I actually starred it, so I'm sad not to get to hear directly what people had to say.
Just from what you've said here, I do have a reaction, but I think it probably ought to be its own question rather than me just rambling in response to you, so I'll refrain for now. :-)
I saw your question, thought it was a great question, and would be something that all in the triad could learn from. It saddens me that certain people on this board manipulate what can be posted.
There was absolutely nothing offensive about your question, and all in the triad would have benefitted from reading the results. Too bad for all of us.