Please help me, I don't know what to do.I think he's cheating! Any Advice?

Question

OUR HISTORY US:
We have been together off and on for 9years (Mostly on..just broke up for a week here and there.) I'm 30, he's 32.  The first few years had some really bad times because of fights but the good times were So good & like perfect bliss. We both were so passionate about eachother & we always said that we made eachother "crazy"-meaning crazy in love.  We always had a very awesume sex life together.  
The bad: He was a very jealous person even though he was always the one talking to other girls lol go figure huh...wanted to have his cake &eat it too.  But he is such a smooth talker & has always told me he loves me so much etc.. etc...  I never was a jealous person untill I got with him.  After I caught him talking to other girls I became very jealous and paranoid,almost obsessesed. I was always snooping &thinking he was lieing.  So those are a lot of the reasons we used to fight so much back then.  Oh also he used to drink way too much & go to bars all the time, but never wanted to take me because he would get so jealous of other men looking at me & that he would just be hanging with his guy friends & they don't bring their women.  
    I caught him red handed cheating on me a few years ago.We split up& I did'nt talk to him for 6months.He came to my place one day & begged me to come back.He said he bought a house just like I always said I wanted.,,no carpet because my chihuahua pees on it lol Huge walk in closets,jacuzzi tub. He said he got it for me and how sorry he was blah blah. 
(All of that stuff happened before we were married though. ) So I did go  back to him and we got married soon after. 
Here's how he proposed: He's a firefighter & one day he called me &asked if I would come hang out with him at his work, which I used to do a lot back then. When I got there I shoulda knowen somethin was up, His whole crew was outside all dressed up in their special uniforms & they were standing around the big red fire-truck. 
My man walked me over to the basket on top of the ladder on the truck & said "U ever been in one of these? wanna go for a ride?"  I said "Never been in one! Ya lets go!" We both got in &it started movin up,then he jumped out! I was like what! what's going on..The sun was just setting..it was perfect & the most Romantic thing that has ever happened to me!  Especially because he just is Not a romantic gesture type guy! 
    They lowered the basket down level to him.He was on his knee & proposed.  So I know he really loves me (no I was not pregnant lol.) & I have always loved him. 
So  Here's what happened recently:
  Thursday we were talkin about payin the bills from bill payer online through his bank.  He agreed to do because he is going over seas next month in military & he wants to make sure I pay the bills.  So he didn't have the service yet, & I said I would help him sign up for itI started to turn on the computer..(I was happy because Ive tried to get him 2use bill payer forvever!!! It saves time,gas,money ...we live sorta far out of the city..and he always complains about driving & never having enough time). Before I could get logged on computer I got interupted by a phone call from my school.As I was talking he got up, grabbed the bills & said "I'll be back Im just gonna go get money orders & pay these bills..we can set up bill pay another time"..I looked at him like WTF & I could'nt say anything because the lady from my school was talking! He said quickly  as he walked out the door "Plus I already put stamps on all of the envelopes" I thought Oh well maybe another time.
     Friday a.m. I heard his phone alarm go off early.I tried to turn it off & clicked into his messages instead..then I got snooopy & saw a text from  a # I did not know, it said "Is this Lisa?". I snooped more &saw another text from the same # saying "Hey"(It was from Thursday at 2pm..same time that he was convienently not home & out paying bills) I went through his outgoing texts..there was one from him to her that was worded weird, it said " Who are U at?"  It made me curious because of the time frame and also because the way he said who are u at? Like maybe he meant where are you at?
    I decided to call the number to see if I could figure out who it was.I was having a bad feeling about it. I blocked my #. No one answered but it went to voicemail & it was a girl. I recognized her name & voice she was a girl he had told me about years ago when I saw her name &number in his phone.He had said they'd gone to school together but that he didn't talk to her & he said he would erase her # & he did.
    The thing that bugs me is that when I asked him who it was he kept saying he didn't know who it was until I said "Look I know who it is, it's Candice" Then he says" I just didn't recognize the number & that's why I texted asking who it was. I don't know why she texted me."  However....
on Saturday morning I decided I would try calling her again without blocking my number & ask her what was going on.

the_freak_007 · Accepted Answer

I am the kind of person who would always like to believe in the best in people.

That said, let me say I have been married for nearly 5 years now, I am not the jealous kind of guy, but my wife "Lisa) is the jealous type.

I have a very close friend, who is a female (we will call her "Jen"). We met when we were both 14. Jen was a friend of my sisters, and later became a friend of mine when she moved in with my family. Jen's parents had disowned her and my sister had to leave on Army business. Jen and I became very close, and eventually we both left "home" going our separate ways. As time went on, Jen had several boyfriends and eventually a fiancé. I had purchased my own house and was doing well when Jen broke up with her fiancé, and needed a place to live. I allowed her to live with me until she could get back on her feet again, during this time she paid rent, and we both had our own bedrooms. Our relationship has always been one of brother-sister, and nothing more.

When I got married, Lisa and Jen (who was now also married) had never met due to conflicting schedules, eventually they did meet and I was excited... I hoped that my new wife and my "sister" would be as close as Jen and I had been... It was not to be. My wife believes that the relationship between myself and Jen is more than I have admitted, and does not like me talking to her. Every time that we do talk (that she knows about), Lisa and I fight.

I refuse to end my relationship with my sister, instead choosing to talk to her when I can do so without fear of a conflict with Lisa. I have not, and will not deny talking to her, nor will I stop. I do not go out of my way to "find a way" to talk to Jen.



I told you this story to possibly put it into perspective for you.

Is it possible that your Hubby and Candice are now nothing more than friends... I know they had a more substantial relationship in the past, but perhaps he talks to her "behind your back" because he knows your reaction will be of jealousy and anger... It is obvious that you do not trust your husband, and this is a serious issue. Even though he has cheated on you in the past, it appears (to me) that he has tried to "make it right". Past behavior does not always support suspicion of current behavior. If you have any plans of making your marriage work you need to trust your husband. If he makes the same mistake again then there is no doubt (IMO) that the relationship should end, But you cannot spend the rest of your life LOOKING for those mistakes, because you will begin to imagine problems where there are none.


I suggest re-evaluating your view of Candice with an open mind, and possibly even invite her over for dinner and drinks (talk to your husband first so he doesn't get the feeling you are "trying to trap him").

Instead of looking at your husbands past errors as "proof" of current issues, let bygones be bygones and focus on the future. "Forever" is a long time with someone you cannot trust

noodlemcgoo · Answer

The sex might be good and some parts of the relationship (the high that comes from being crazy etc.) might be great but there are huge parts that are not ok. Like trust, self-respect and self-esteem. Healthy relationships place a lot of importance on the above 3 factors as well as good sex, communication. They strike a balance.

At the moment your relationship is heavy on factors other than trust, respect, esteem. But you ARE having some needs met which is why you've stayed on. Your job now is to decide how much weight you attach to each factor. That will decide whether to stay or leave.

For me it was that little epiphany which helped. Realizing WHY I'd compromised and what I didn't want to compromise on. I went through pretty much the same as what youre describing, ended it, stayed single (2 years) until I met someone trsustworthy, compassionate, gentle, and sweet. 

I'm letting you know so that you can have the confidence to move on, if thats what you decide to do.

good luck.

chewbaby · Answer

Always trust your gut, and i'd love to know how the saturday conversation goes with this tramp.  DO NOT let her know how bad this is hurting you because she obviously doesn't care about anyone except herself.  I would think long and hard before you ask her any questions because the answers might be too hard to hear.  And between the 2 of them, who knows what is true or not.  If I were you, I would tell her that she has no business calling your husband for anything.  Period!  Suggest counseling to her since she has such little respect-for herself as a woman as well as for the people around her.  Tell her that your husband doesn't need a friend like her and that if she is that desperate for friendship to get a dog. That is, a dog of her own.  Tell your husband that you aren't an idiot and if he's confused in anyway to let you know like a man so that you can move on --with 1/2 of everything.

Your_Favorite_Auntie · Answer

A) Back in the day, the reason he didn't want you going to bars is so that HE could be himself and flirt all he wanted, not because he's jealous of guys looking at you or talking with you;

B) Clearly, you've allowed "awesume sex" to cloud your judgment for whether or not you can trust this man. Just because he's good in bed doesn't mean that he's marriage material.It's not called "women's intuition" for nothing, ok?;

C) Him being a jealous person is not a personality trait that will ever change. If you stay with this man, he will continue to manipulate you by being jealous, and that only leads to other controlling behaviors.

D) If he really loved you, he wouldn't pull this sneaking around crap and lying about her, ok? So, yet again ... love, all by itself, is NEVER enough to sustain a relationship. Of course he loves you ... he just lies and cheats, too. Uhh ... no, not really, no.

Clearly, you can't trust him. Without trust, what do you have besides the "awesume sex"?  I'd rather be by myself, hon. 

:(  really sorry

ohfor pitysake · Answer

Evidently you both have trust issues.  It might be that the reason he's jealous of you is that he suspects you of doing the same things HE is doing.  You need marriage counseling because these issues won't be resolved on their own.  If he won't go, go without him.  And if he won't let you go, leave him.  All the romantic gestures in the world won't make up for a jealous, womanizing jerk.

Please help me, I don't know what to do.I think he's cheating! Any Advice?

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