I am a 19 year old girl who was adopted at birth through a closed adoption process (i don't really know any of the details about the process beyond that...sorry). I was raised referring to my biological mother as my "birthmother" which I didn't even know was controversial before seeing some questions and responses on Yahoo Answers. I guess this isn't much of a question, but I do want to let natural mothers out there know that some adoptive parents are incredibly thankful and appreciative of the natural mother/birthmother and speak about her only with respect and dignity. I know I have a great deal of respect for mine (I do not know her personally) for giving me a wonderful life and wonderful people to raise me. When I use the term "birthmother," I do not mean it in a derogatory way or as an insult, I mean it to refer to the woman in the world who gave birth to me naturally and loved me enough to give me up because she could not care for me properly (possibly). ***BOTTOM LINE*** I just wonder why the term birthmother is so controversial because I've never in my life meant it negatively... Also, the term natural mother in my opinion is completely correct and fine too...I just don't see the need for a debate. I also want to reassure all of you natural mothers out there that your natural children do think about you and love you AND respect you no matter what they refer to you as =)

The term 'birth mother' was first coined by Pearl S. Buck, in 1951. She created the words to use to define the mother of her adopted children. I am sure that she thought the mothers of her children were an incidental part of their lives....certainly not someone whose feelings she had to take into consideration. In 1951, unwed mothers in any country, including the US, were extremely vulnerable and looked upon with, at best, pity and scorn. At worst, dangerous physical things were permitted, including incarceration in a prison or mental hospital, or even, in some cases that I know of, permanent sterilization and even lobotomies! If you are willing to cut someone's brain out, you don't worry too much about hurting their feelings! In the mid 1970's, Lee Campbell, the then head of CUB, put the two words together to be one word, like grandmother or stepmother rather than use the other option that the APs would allow which was Biological Mother. She thought that the one word sounded softer, and more kind. Then the adoptive community jumped on the word, in order to show the separation at birth between their child and the mother who gave birth to it. Any way of diminishing the bond, the act of giving birth, the sacredness of the dyad worked to their advantage, they thought. You may not mean it dismissively, but consider how it is shorthanded on boards...BM. That is clearly intended to be insulting and it is. I refuse to be known as a birthmother, partly due to the facts I have stated above, but mostly because I lost my son to forced surrender in 1967. The papers that I have and the ones I have seen from that era state clearly that I am the 'Mother" or the 'Natural Mother' of my child...the standard usage from that time period. Why should I or any other mother allow myself to be defined by what makes someone else comfortable ? Pregnancy and Surrender were not very comfortable for me in 1967 and the least of my worries today is whether or not I make nice. I want justice for myself and other mothers, and I want what is equitable and decent for my child. The rest...?....oh, well.....!

Birthmother/Natural Mother debate question?

magic pointe shoes2009-05-06T09:38:18Z

Favorite Answer

Why birthmother means breeder.
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/Why_Birthmother_Means_Breeder.html

Origin of the word birthmother
http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2007/11/origin-of-word-birthmother.html

Edit to add: This topic question has been flogged to death. If you can't or won't read someone else's explanation that explains quite plainly why the term birthmother is hurtful, than you don't get it.

In fact, I don't think you get your own mother who relinquished you. The amount of coercive techniques used in domestic infant adoption is overwhelming. When you say choose, really there isn't very much choice at all when it comes to having to relinquish. Mothers who relinquish aren't looking for adoptive parent gratitude for gifting a human. I know I'm not. In fact, I hope when and if my son decides to reunite that he doesn't thank me. How very awkward it would be to be thanked for a choice that caused so much grief and so much regret. "Thanks for that swell choice!!!" =o/

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gypsywinter2009-05-07T03:43:39Z

Well, I live in Southeast Texas...and I can assure you many people where I live are quite 'comfortable' (and quite adamant is their right)in using the 'N' word or 'colored' for those who's skin is black. Whether the black population likes it or not. So using the logic of those who are not burfmuggles being adamant about using 'B' terms here...ya'll sure sound like some of the people I work with!! Deliberately ignorant..with the superflous rhetoric.."I just don't get it" or just thinly veiled hatred/discrimination/insulting/biased attitudes toward surrendering mothers in general in some of these 'answers'.

Why do some adoptive mothers get their knickers in such a tight/twisted bunch when some NATURAL Mothers speak out against the 'birth' terms..you got the baby didn't you...how much more do you want or need?? We all know you are 'Mom', 'Mommy', 'Mother', the most self-sacrificing woman who changed diapers, fed bottles, put band-aids on boo-boos...many never miss a chance to run that list over and over and over again. OK! you got the first tooth, the first step, the first day at school, the birthday celebrations, and all those daily 'mother' things that us 'burfmuggles' never saw or experienced. Still you will have 'mothers' like Sizesmith run that 'list' over and over again..talk about rubbing someone's face in it! We get, we get it...you are MOTHER...for Chrissake some of you could at least have a little generousity of heart to cave on the burfmuggle or natural stuff. You got it all..but guess it still isn't enough for some adoptive mothers, is it? Evidently not..when the word 'Natural' tends to still cause some amothers heads to turn 360 degrees and spew pea soup! Some people (amothers) will just never be satisfied with what they do have, they still want more. Even a word! I am not, never have been, never will be...your 'Birth N****r"! Now give me those TD's...I got my Big Natural Panties on tonite!

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Spread Peace and Love2009-05-06T20:01:40Z

I realize some may find the terms offensive. There are terms I find offensive as well but everyone is free to use the terms they feel comfortable with. I also don’t think people can compare this terms to ones that are derogatory and meant to cause offense. Most people don’t use the term birthmother to offend anyone its often just want they feel comfortable with. Look at Philippa her natural son’s parents don’t refer to her as birthmother but her natural son does clearly because that must be the term he is just simple more comfortable using. I use the term birthmother, biological mother and occasional natural mother.

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Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.2009-05-06T18:14:25Z

Well, simply, to many women who have either relinquished or lost their child to adoption, the term "Birthmother" is offensive.

They've told me it's offensive, and therefore, whether or not I completely understand why, I try very hard to avoid using it.

I don't have to be a firstmother to find "birthmother" offensive
I don't have to be African-American to find the "n word" offensive
I don't have to be Jewish to find the term "Kike" offensive.

And I don't have to be an adoptive PARENT to find "Adopter" offensive in a non-legal setting.. I believe it's intent on here (and yes, even in that article that was linked to/copied) is to put down the adoptive parents as the root of all the "evil" that comes from adoption, not really "parents."

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?2009-05-06T18:01:37Z

I had never heard of the term birth mother until after I found my son in 2004 and I joined up with an online adoption forum. It never 'sat' right with me and has always made me feel uncomfortable as it implies that all I did was give birth to my son. I didn't just give birth I went through 9 months of pregnancy during which I bonded with him and I wanted to raise him. Due to pressure I didn't and that has always been my biggest regret that I didn't have the support from my family to raise him. I don't mean financially as I was working.

My son's aparents refer to me as his mother, other mother or natural mother but he refers to me as his birth mother. I don't know why as he wasn't raised to refer to me as that and he never does it when I am about as he knows I find the term offensive. He has enough respect for me to also ask friends, when introduced to me, not to refer to me as a birth mother either.

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Birthmother/Natural Mother debate question?

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