Are we foreigners wasting our time trying to help our wive's families here?
Personally, I am tired of giving to ungrateful people and don't do it any more. You know the type, they ask for money to help, I give it and they talk behind my back that it isn't enough. Lately, I have become more selective in who I help and how I help them. I am sending my brother in law to a school to become a seaman and employ him in construction work ( on days there is no school) because he really applies himself. I send an orphaned niece to a good private school because she needs help from a family member and I am the only one in the family who can do this (she is a bright little 6 year old and does well in school). I send my wife's younger sister to a private school because she is an excellent student and her father is too lazy to work and support his family. I also employ one of my wife's brothers in law by letting him work for me as a construction laborer. We do have several family members who I refuse to help because they refuse to study or work to help themselves in any way other than to cry for money for clothes or to get drunk (food they say, but I have seen how the money was spent). In short, the ones who will not try or work for themselves are shut out and receieve nothing from us. We love her family, but did not agree to support them without any strings attached. I just want to know, what with all the "American" bashing here, are we just wasting our time here, or does anyone appreciate what we do to help our wive's families?
2009-06-27T14:42:29Z
I am not trying to brag, it is just that I wonder if our "help" is actually helping. Please read the details in entirety so you can understand the question I am asking.
2009-06-27T18:41:29Z
And no, my wife tells me all the time that I should do what I feel is fair. She doesn't handle my money, only her own. She even tells them no if they want money and they have to go through me. My marriagge does not sepend on my giving money to her family. Only a henpecked man would go for that.
2009-06-28T07:12:38Z
Also, notice the lady who thinks I am an American, I wonder where she got that idea? I only admitted that I am a foreigner and Americans are not the only ones here on Yahoo.
Melvin2009-06-28T02:49:59Z
Favorite Answer
I felt compelled to answer.
Before anything else, I would like to thank you for helping my fellow countrymen. You, sir, are a true gentleman.
I admire foreigners who help this poor country of mine, whatever that help may be, regardless of personal goal. Why? Because IMHO you have absolutely no obligation to lend us a hand. And that sir I find very noble.
In your case you're obviously helping through financial means but hey it's much more than that! Heck you are sending three different people to school and that my friend is the proverbial "teaching a man how to fish". Who knows, your niece might become the country's president, all thanks in part to you. People grow when they become educated, and the effect ripples long after you are gone.
Suffice it to say that this typical behavior happens not only to expats but to other Filipinos as well. You did great by choosing the people you help. The Holy Bible even says that "people who don't work should not eat". Rightly so!
People who just ask for money, don't work, and never pay debts are poisonous people, not only to you but to society as well. And like all diseased branches they must be cut off! Sad to say but you have to disassociate yourself to these kinds of people. I've seen them before... you show kindness but treat you with disrescpect, you are quiet yet they spread rumours about, you help them and they stab you back! Away with these people, evil doers!
I would like you to continue helping my country in your own meaningful way. With more restraint, may I add. Like if you want to send someone to school, tell that person that he or she has to prove it first, perhaps by passing the entrance exam of one of Manila's best universities. It's very easy to claim to be smart nowadays.
Your help is helping; you just need to help the right kinds of people.
Well you are quite right, we are wasting our time if we just give the money away!
However, you also mentioned working. If they will work for the money, it is not a waste of time at all.
I have found that there is always something that needs doing. Such as - Maintenance on the family home - ie gardening, painting etc - Maintenance on the family car - Massage - Work in the family business - Building project - Carer - and more Anyone who asks for money is told they have to work for it.
For all business proposals, I ask them to explain how it will make a profit which usually makes it easy for me to explain how it will not make a profit and politely decline the request.
I do give for emergencies but only my share. Others should give what they can too.
I have found that the best way to help the family is to support a bussines with reasonable chance of succces. We had several failed businesses until we finally hit gold with a furniture business.
The furniture business employs family who are paid per piece, not per hour. The business also does roof trusses, doors, door frames, window frames and aluminium windows for new houses and extensions. It also contacts for house painting.
This will give you an idea of how successful this has been.
When I met the family, they had a single small hollow block house with no bathroom, on a half hectare of land. No transport. Nanay had a stall in the fish market and Tatay had just been laid off.
Now the family house is on 3 levels, there are two other houses on the same block of land. They have a small piggery and the furniture business. They have land by the sea and another block of land by the river with a house they rent. They have a delivery truck, multicab, Pajero 4 wheel drive, 2 motor scooters and a moror bike used as a habal habal. Nanay no longer needs to work and Tatay is the Barangay Captain.
So in at least one case, help was not a waste of time.
Actually the slaughter plant in Illinois is a Virginia owned company, the tax comment is incorrect. As far as the water waste problem they are still within their time limits to pay the fine. Their fine is also minimal to other big legal USA businesses. Goggle waste water fines and you'll see what I mean. They owe pennies. The USDA making a comment like "92.3% of these horses are young, healthy, re-trainable" is laughable. Very few have ever been around a live horse and how their mind works. They are not vet's or trainers. They inspect meat.
You are under no obligation to help your wife's family. You need your wife's help. However late this idea may be, she's the one who should stand by your door and tell all the moochers she has a shot gun that's ready to fire. Brother-in-law, sister-in-law, orphaned niece - you are overloaded with responsibility that shouldn't have been yours. On top of all your kindness to others, why is there American bashing? Are you serious? If you are, the only solution that comes to my mind is for you to say to everyone, "I've had enough. I'm packing my bags and return to the U.S. if this nonsense doesn't stop."
P.S. I really feel sorry for you. I hear the same story quite often. The victims are not only ex-pat American husbands but also Filipinos who've been successful overseas and had returned to the Philippines to take life easy. Instead they get into this mess.
One can see it all around. There are hard working Filipinos half of whom are in foreign lands the other half in Philippines earning money. Then there are those, you can see them sitting on their porches all day, or playing billiards, videoke, or whatnot. They have no urge to work, or to have a feeling of accomplishment.
Now, about supporting relatives... in the first place my wife knows how I feel, that you will not help people by throwing money at them, but rather by teaching them a way to earn money. In order to keep peace in the house I let my wife make the decision on who gets what (if anything). As a result, we have a lot of unhappy relatives, but we put two of their children through private school, and employ 2 housekeepers and a handyman who are all relatives.
But what the heck - Gloria says that the unemployment is only 7%. Of course that includes people who do things even without getting paid (like triking your kids to school). I have a hunch that if unemployment figures were not pulled out of thin air, the average Filipino salary would be much higher than published.