I see adoption mentioned as "getting stuck with what we get" or "we did not get to choose our AP". Adoptive families are called "Strangers" and "stealers". Babies are taken from the "only mother we knew".
WHAT?
Isn't being born also a gamble? Where is the child's "choice?" Just because a couple of people laid down, does not make them "parents". How can anyone say that being born into a particular family gives the child more choice in parents?
There are NO GUARANTEES in adoption, but there are also none in just being born to a particular set of people. Why is there such a double standard?
2009-10-19T10:54:19Z
No Walter "Sounds like you have an issue with Nature and Fertility." I gave birth to three great kids. I adopted 12 foster kids (yes abused).
No fertility issues, just LOVE all of them no matter where they came from.
2009-10-19T11:00:27Z
Thanks for understanding the question :) Having given birth and adopted, I just do not think that one or the other makes me a "better" parent.
2009-10-19T11:41:23Z
Sunny: Cite my sources for asking a question? LOL Anyway, you said something that makes alot of sense: "For infants with parents are NOT addicts, abusive OR mentally ill, adoption IS a preventable disorder".
That really does makes things seem alot clearer. It is not just the AP that some people have trouble with, it seems to be the system, or method or however it is defined. It the adoption itself. Never looked at it that way. Thanks for sharing
love my life2009-10-19T10:00:55Z
Favorite Answer
I do see your point. No one knows what the future will bring. No one knows how their child bio or adopted will turn out. And no child knows or gets to pick the parents they will have. Being a parent does consist of more than just conceiving a child. Personally I think it's kind of a crap shoot all the way around. There are abusive parents on both sides of track, and good ones. Just as there are bio and adopted children who grow up and have good morals and happy productive lives. And there are both bio and adopted children who grow up not having them. There are no guarantees with anything in life.
"Isn't being born also a gamble? Where is the child's "choice?" Just because a couple of people laid down, does not make them "parents"."
Do you really know how offensive that sounds?
No a child doesn't choose to be born or adopted but on the other hand just because I wasn't married to my son's father when I fell pregnant or that we split shortly afterwards doesn't equate to me not becoming a parent. I wanted to parent yet was never given a chance to prove I could be a parent as I was bullied and lied into surrendering. Or are you the type of person who thinks a single mother can't possible be a good mother?
I would be a rich woman if I had a dime for everytime I've heard an amom try and diminish the importance of carrying and giving birth to your child by claiming it's not all that important and doesn't actually make you a parent.
I laid down with my husband many times and nine months (give or take a week or two) later after four of those experiences I gave birth and EVERY SINGLE ONE of those births made me a parent, even the first one with my oldest son who I gave up for adoption.
Going by your logic and that of the nonsense "adoption is better than statistics" than not one of my children had any guarantees in their life so it really doesn't matter that my oldest was adopted and my youngest three remained with their biological family.
Except my younger three did have guarantees in their life. They were guaranteed that mother child bond that is such an inherent part of us and begins to grow from the moment of conception. They were guaranteed parents who knew and understood their traits, talents, habits, etc . . . because we saw them in ourselves. They were guaranteed knowing their heritage, their Irish, Italian and German roots. And, last but not least, they were guaranteed that nobody could ever restrict them from their own information or personal records.
My oldest son on the other hand had different guarantees. He was guaranteed no genetic mirroring. No knowledge of where he inherited his love of writing, passion with the water and boating, quick temper and fierce stubborn streak. He knew nothing of his ancestors, of his heritage and he still, to this day, is not allowed access to his own records and personal information, even though we have adopted him back.
And add that to the fact that out of all my children, my oldest son is the only one who grew up in a childhood where his amom struggled with an alcohol addiction. Where he was both physical and mentally abused by her and his step-dad.
All of my children had a guarantee about their life with my husband and I. Unfortunately my oldest son had to live the first twenty years of his life without being a part of those guarantees and having to face and live with the other guarantees instead.
I know that there are no guarantees in adoption and that biological children don't get to pick their home.
You see, being taken away from the "only family we knew" takes away everything about who we are. It's like saying "you can join Cheerleading even if you'd rather play Lacrosse" it's a poor substitute.
We did not ASK to be adopted. We did not CHOOSE our adoptive families. The fact that the choice on something so active in our lives isn't fair. I'd rather be with my bio parents because then I would be stuck with people who look like me and I wouldn't have people at Wal-Mart say "It's so sweet of you to go shopping with your grandmother"
There is no choice in the birth home, but in the adoption home it's a choice not asked for. I feel as if my rights have been violated; I didn't ask for a new home. I especially didn't ask for a home with an alcoholic father.
Happie, there is a double standard for me, because in adoption, an adoptees original identity is sealed, and they don't have a say in the process.
They are held to a contract that they did not sign regarding their own identity.
They often have to endure demeaning policies and procedures, and very often need to pay outrageous amounts of money to find the basic facts of their origin that the nonadopted take for granted.