How much private and personal info and what did you think?
Just a question for the group. I, like others here, participate in other forums. Some interesting things I've wanted to ask that apply to several generations or different types of adoption-for first parents, upon reuniting if you found the aparents had divorced, lost jobs, died etc--did you see that as the AP's "lying" or not doing right by the child? For adoptive parents in open to semi open adoptions, how much personal info do you give? One first mom said it should be mandatory for AP's to give up their social security numbers (no way-just my opinon). In a semi to very open adoption, if you are an AP going through a divorce, bankruptcy, moving, going on mission work for several months--how much of that do you feel obligated to share? Firstparents, in a open to semi open adoption, if you found out that the AP's divorced, moved, died etc but didn't tell you or told you after the fact--what is your reaction? Do you expect to get that info?
Ferbs2010-03-09T12:27:26Z
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"For adoptive parents in open to semi open adoptions, how much personal info do you give?"
Hey there,
Please keep in mind our son's first mom is married to a convicted sex offender who was deported to another country. Although we can't help their daughter (our son's sister), we are responsible for looking after him (let's call him M)
For the longest time, we did not share our address. We went through the law firm for any packages to be sent overseas. We bundled things up for the overseas trip then sent that package in another package addressed to the law firm in Ottawa.
Now, she has our address. We stopped going through the big fuss. It just came gradually that we felt alright with that because she makes poor decisions. But a long time has gone between the first meeting and now. We have kept in touch and visited so now we understand her a little better. She's pretty firm that nothing is worth losing contact with him so she has refused her husband some access without us requesting that (video cam for example).
Our last name was suppose to be kept confidential but I realized late last year that our webmail account showed our full name as the sender anyway so...that was done for us! LOL. Through that, she probably had access to everything the entire time.
My point: She has known for years who we are and by extension, where we live. She can Google Earth our house for God's sake. And nothing has happened. She has shown nothing but respect for us as parents.
We keep her updated on how M is doing. We tell her about changes in our life that would impact him. We've told her about our plans to adopt from foster care. Basically, like an extended member of the family. Which of course she is.
We would tell her if we moved and I suppose if we divorced, we eventually would throw that into conversation...again...it concerns M. If bio dad makes an appearance in this country again...many things will be reconsidered.
All the following is assuming a voluntary relinquishment with no safety issues. If there are safety issues, those should be addressed first, and any of the below can be dismissed as inapplicable. If the child's safety with family members isn't a concern, though:
Before the adoption, the prospective adoptive parents should disclose anything that will be relevant to the child's living situation in any meaningful way-- which includes but is not limited to plans to move, plans for extended trips, plans whether or not to add more children to the family through birth or adoption, overall stability of their finances, and if they are struggling in their marriage. (Though if they're having marriage troubles, those should really be resolved before adopting, so as not to bring a child into an already unstable situation.) It should also include subjects like religion, methods of discipline, and parenting philosophy. If the mother finds any part of the situation unacceptable, she can choose another adoptive family or decide to parent.
One thing that should be noted by both parties, though, is that adoptive parents can only tell her as much as they know themselves. A lot can change in 18-20 years, through choices they make and through circumstances outside their control. What they say should be phrased as an intention, not an absolute promise. They should be honest with the mother about their plans and situation at the time, but things may change in the future, and that doesn't mean they were necessarily lying or dishonest, just that life isn't 100% predictable decades in advance.
After the adoption, I think they should continue to be open with the mother who relinquished about what's going on in the child's life. To what level depends on the relationship, but major things affecting the child should definitely be shared. They don't have to share every detail, some things are private-- but they should think about what they tell their own families, and that the child's biological family are family too. Once the child is placed, the mother who placed no longer has the ability or right to veto family decisions that she doesn't agree with, but it's kinder to let her know rather than leave her wondering.
Adoptive parents should NOT disclose social security numbers, bank account numbers, or sensitive privacy information protecting their finances. Period. (Nor should the first parents if the adoptive parents are the ones who for some reason ask for it.) That crosses the line into leaving yourself vulnerable to crime. Not every woman considering-- or claiming to be considering-- placing her baby for adoption is an automatically trustworthy angelic saint. She's a person, no better or worse than other people. So you should use the reasonable precautions you would dealing with any other individual. Social security numbers and bank information should not be disclosed unless absolutely necessary and to a trusted professional. No exceptions for random people, whether it's the expectant mom or your OWN mom, because anything disclosed can go astray and get into the wrong hands. You have to take reasonable steps to preserve your safety.
My son's adoption was closed and I was given very little information about them. All I was told was that they both worked and couldn't have children. The first bit was true but it was a lie that they couldn't have children and they did go on to have a son after they adopted. Had it been a semi open or open adoption then yes it would have been nice to know general information, if they divorced (they haven't) or if either had died (both still alive) but anything more personal then I feel that should remain private.
When I found my birthdaughter I found out that her adad had died when she was 5 and her mom had remarried a man with 3 sons, making her the 5th child and only girl. It's no ones fault that her adad died. Ours was a closed adoption (1972). I always hoped that my daughter was healthy and taken care of, and she was. It was pretty traumatic for her and i don't think she ever got over it. Since it was a closed adoption, I was not privy to this info until after reunion.
i do no longer share any wellbeing issues; it fairly is none of their business enterprise, and employers can probably use it against an worker. they'll think of you're out too plenty via surgeon's appointments (i'm no longer), or you stress the cost of the business enterprise coverage up. i do no longer share a collection of non-public issues at artwork; it fairly is meant to be the place you artwork, no longer a counselor's place of work. i do no longer communicate approximately funds - what I make, how plenty I actual have in investments, what style of non-public assets i might own.