Just wondering how your adoption came up with your friends while you were growing up? Was it a big deal to discuss or just 'how it is' and wasn't really talked about?
I am NOT talking about the mean people who tormented you about being adopted, I want to know about your close friendships. (I was tortured for being abused and taken away from my mother- but the discussions I had with my friends were more important than what any teenage bully had to say.)
My adopted foster daughters are 4 and 3 and know they are adopted, but obviously I will not be broadcasting it to their friends, that is their place and choice. I was just curious about your experiences.
Thanks!!
2010-03-12T13:19:15Z
H******, you make a very good point. We have photo albums for all the kids and they love to see their adoption day pictures. We also celebrate their adoptions (they are in aug and sept 2 yrs apart) every year by doing something as a family. I do want them to be able to talk to me about the hurt, too, so we will make sure we bring it up to them and talk if they want to. Thank goodness my girls have each other- they are half sisters- and I hope that helps them to be able to bond and talk about it.
Mr. Bauers2010-03-13T08:06:10Z
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To be honest, my friends always thought it was more of a touchy subject than I did! lol They would always ask little questions sheepishly and apologize ahead of time for offending me, but it never did. I was always proud to be adopted. I had a girl in one class actually doubt me being adopted because I was so happy all the time. lol She associated adoption with sadness or depression apparently which was interesting.
When I found out I was adopted, I was 9 and found out by accident. I trusted my secret to one person..my best friend. When I was old enough to be left home alone, he and I would plunder thru my parents stuff looking for adoption papers, a birth certificate or anything to help me figure it all out.
He was with me when I found a baby book a relative of my first mom had made, which was the first time I saw my first mom's name. He was with me when I found my first parent's wedding pictures in the attic and realized who they were.
He and I would talk about running away and finding my "real mom" as I called her and living with her. (we were both pretty unhappy in our home situations)
After his death (he commited suicide at 14), I finaly told my secret to other friends and some of them believed me and some didn't. I had one "friend" who accused me of lying about it to get attention.
For the most part, my friends were always pretty accepting of the fact. Some asked questions, others didn't. I never felt uncomfotable once I finally started discussing it. (I was around 14 or 15 then)
I never told anyone. My close friends from my school days never knew until I was in my thirties and finally found the mother and family I'd been searching for, when I told my lifelong friends about it they were like 'we never knew!'
It was lonely growing in the dark with nobody to talk to about how I felt. But it did save me the torment of cruel kids in the playground!
These days my kids have no qualms about broadcasting the fact that they're Mommy's adopted to all and sundry (which can be embarrassing at times) but the kids think it's so cool that my children have extra grandparents.
I will say, though, that my parents had the same view about not talking about it unless the child brings it up. It took me 30 years to 'bring it up' Because it was never spoken about I thought it was 'not OK' to bring up. Sometimes, the parent needs to take the initiative at appropriate moments lest the child may think it's something shameful to speak about KWIM
I went through different stages regarding how open I was about discussing my adoption with others.
When I was VERY young (pre-elementary school age) I professed it like I was proud of it.
Once I somewhat "got it", I would lie and say that I was not adopted. I even made up stories- like my "real parents" died in a car crash...or that my "real Mom" was a famous singer traveling the world so my adoptive parents adopted me until I grew older.
I now realize that those lies were a way of protecting my brain, because I could not comprehend that a Mother could give her child away. It was also a way of making myself feel less "unwanted"....even though that was NOT the truth. I always got busted with those lies, though, as I lived in a small community and everyone knew everyone's business.
As I grew older, I was just very matter of fact about it. My a family was never comfortable speaking about my adoption, or my a brother's adoption. They still are not, but my reunion has helped a bit with that.
eta for OP: You may want to stop the "adoption day" anniversary parties. Also known as "gotcha day", lol. Yes, we may have became part of our new family that day, but we had to lose our first family to get there. Most adoptees detest gotcha days and do not wish to have anything to commemorate that pain.
Well, like when i was 7 two of my best friends that i knew when i was 2 were saying that i looked nothing like my parents and than me being so young i said i am adopted. They wouldn't believe me and than they went and asked my dad and he said I wasn't. But than i said its okay tell the Truth. Than at school people ask so many questions like am i abandoned. The people at school make fun of me because than ran out of people to make fun of. My mom told me that my dad didn't want to tell me. Shocker I know. But my mom told me. so yeah i don't want to put more just because/ So you can email me.