How many adoptees here can discuss their birth order experiences (both in adoptive and biological if in an open adoption or reunited) and sibling experiences/surprises and how any bio children play into their adoptive birth order and how ? I guess what I am asking if for example you grew up an only child or the eldest and then found you were the youngest in a large sibling group what was your reaction to it. I am also asking if any adoptees here was a middle child of an adoptive family who had bio children already and went on to have more bio children. Am totally open to hearing about any permutation on above as well and your thoughts and experiences on it.
I've read so much about psychology and birth order but that can be a complicated topic and as an adult finding you were the oldest and then finding out you were actually the youngest could be odd to say the least.
I've also read quite a bit and the general advice is don't adopt out of birth order for various reasons. We aren't but was curious what others experiences were on this topic and opinions.
Anonymous2010-06-04T10:44:26Z
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I am my adoptive parents' eldest and my first mother's eldest. No idea what that means.
There was a family who had 3 natural children. The Mother's sister's children were orphaned by a car accident. She adopted. Their daughter was older than her firstborn and had the same first name. The child who was the oldest had serious problems as an adult. The fact of the same name was unfortunate. she felt replaced and unneeded in her family. The family went from 3 children to 6 children. It was crowded and money was tight. Not sure how things might have been better handled. maybe they could not have been.
I am the youngest of three adopted children (all from different families).
I am the oldest child of my bparents. I have a bbrother 11 years younger than I am that bparents kept. He grew up as an only child always wishing for a sibling. After I found him and tried to establish a relationship, it became immediately obvious to me that he simply doesn't have any idea of how siblings interact. Sad for him.
Answering as an adoptive parent - dd has 2 older siblings in her biological family. I have concern about how this will affect her. She will know that her biological mother is raising her older sister (1/2 sister genetically) but not her. She will also know that her biological (1/2 bilogical) brother's mother (different mom than hers) is raising him even though he was born with the same birth defect that was the major factor in her relinquishment. Tough stuff to work through. Right now at 4, she isn't aware of all those issues but talks about having a brother and sister, draws pictures of them, and likes to look at the pictures we have of them. She shows much more interest in them at this stage than her biological parents.
She right now is our only. That will probably change in a few years, so she'll be the oldest sibling (we won't adopt out of birth order). So, she'll be youngest in biological family and oldest in adoptive family - our adoptive family is not mixed (nor ever will be) with bio and adoptive kids, so we don't have that issue. As far as birth order shaping personality, I think that has much more to do with experience within a family (ie- oldest getting more individualized attention, also more tension, anxiety etc.) so the family that a child's first years are spent with would be the one which shapes personality more. I agree it would be an odd experience to have a disparity in birth order between one's adoptive and biological family. I"m sure if my daughter someday reunites with her biological family after living as an only or oldest, it would be an odd role to be a younger sister in her biological family.
I was raised as the elder sibling, believing I was my nmom's firstborn. When I found out that I wasn't, that I had an older sibling, to say it threw me for a loop is an understatement. Growing up, I had so longed for an older sister, I hated being the eldest sibling, and the role just never felt quite right.
Then when I met my nmom, I found out I had a younger half sister as well. That made me my ndad's middle child, my nmom's youngest, and my apar's oldest. Still kinda boggles me sometimes.