Most of you here know my story. I adopted my step daughter 3 years ago and have made sure to keep her first mom as involved as possible.
Yesterday I got a call that she was unexpectedly in the area and could she see our daughter. I said no problem and even drove an hour to meet her half way. Normally she would come to our house but her FIL had aheart atack and she didn't want to get too far away from the family...
Or so she said. The visit went well and I was glad she got a chance to see our daughter. This morning I got a call from her SIL. She told me that A____ (first mom) had been doing drugs all night the night before and she thought maybe before the visit.
Ok color me stupid, but I do not know all the signs of someone on certain drugs. Plus I sat back and read a book to give them as much privacy as possible...
I called A___ and told her what I had heard and asked her if it was true.....She admitted to using drugs the night before and the morning of the visit.
I am so mad I could scream. How DARE she come around this child w/ drugs in her system. Apparently that was the main reason she didn't want to drive as far...she was high. (tweeked whatever you called it)
My husband says no more visits or contact. Before I have fought him on this, but now I am not so she he isn't right...But then again I do not want to deny my daughter her first mom...
HELP...I need some input
AnnaBelle2010-06-13T17:46:28Z
Favorite Answer
I'm sorry, but for me, drugs are a deal-breaker. Addicts are unpredictable. That's just the nature of the disease, and you can't trust your child, whom you are supposed to be protecting, in the care of someone who is not in full control of themselves. Kids know. I remember when my parents were drunk when I was really small (they're both alcoholics). I knew something was wrong, and I didn't trust them. Even as a preschooler. If you continue to let your daughter see her fmom in that condition, she WILL remember, and it will affect their relationship later on, even if A_____ gets clean.
However, cutting off contact forever? I don't know that I'd go that far. I WOULD, however, insist that she take a drug test before each visit. If she's clean, fine. If she's been using, no visit today, sorry. You can't control her behavior, or whether she seeks treatment, etc., but you can place limits and boundaries onto what you expose your (as in all of your) daughter to.
I'm sure you already know this too, but I would also make sure your little one isn't expecting her visits, so that if she shows up high, and has to be sent away, your wee one isn't crushed.
Being high is not at all minor, and you are well within your rights to place limits where addiction is concerned. Life over limb. You need to protect your daughter's safety first and foremost, and her relationship with her mother second. Besides, continually exposing her to that level of dysfunction will do nothing to further their relationship in the future anyway.
ETA: I also want to add...Sometimes when addicts are dopesick, they are also unpredictable...My brother was always meaner coming down than he was when he was high, and by nature, without drugs, he is a really gentle guy. You will have to assess on a case by case basis how she is doing at any given time. If she is really crashing hard, she may not be in any condition to see your daughter either.
I'm sorry. Dealing with addiction is not easy. :-(
I understand completely. Even though I had a slightly different situation.
My daughter's father was addicted to drugs for 7 years (on and off) every time he would say he was clean or every time I thought he was clean (even when I didn't notice he was still taking pills) he ended up he was lying to me.
I was faced with a decision of protecting my daughter and possibly having to prevent her from seeing her own father. Even if you didn't notice doesn't mean it doesn't matter. Do not let anyone tell you that. Even she knew she was too "tweaked" to drive. Some people try really hard to hide it...doesn't mean their any less high. What if she was too high to notice she had pills or drugs in her pocket or on her clothes and the child ingested some? Or she was holding her and loses control of her body? Or God forbid she get confronted by a police officer and then you have to explain why the child you're responsible for is around a drug addict...
I'm not saying cut her out all together. I gave her father a bottom line: Stay clean and be clean or you can not see your daughter. Period. No exceptions. I told him I would be there for him as long as he was trying to stay clean...but not if he was going to not care about himself or his daughter. She may need help...I don't know how close your relationship is but maybe you could offer your support, if for nothing else than for the sake of the child. Definitely don't just cut her off...for the sake of the child.
Simple, if she wants to continue the visits, she will need to enter a drug program and you will need to see the drug tests before visits can happen.
While she didn't put your daughter in danger this time, you have no guarantee that she wouldn't the next time. I don't think the door should be closed permanently, but she should need to demonstrate that she has made real changes to her lifestyle for visits to continue.
It's hard when dealing with people you care about who have addictions. I sincerely hope she gets the help she needs to continue to be a part of her daughter's life.
I am answering as a first mother and to be quite honest I can see your husband's point as well as yours.
The point is your daughter doesn't need to see her first mother high on drugs and without knowing how she was behaving whilst high on drugs it could have been upsetting/distressful for your daughter. A compromise is that you're willing to have contact BUT no physical contact if she has been taking drugs. I'm all for contact but it worries me when drugs are involved. You're doing all the right things but keep up contact and restrict visits for the time being.
Sounds like your daughters visit was supervised by you and that is good. It is hard to know when some people are on drugs, you may have never seen them not on drugs and so they look normal to you. You have been open with your daughter about seeing her first Mom. Frankly, I think she should tell her that her birth mother is doing things to hurt herself. If she calls again, you can tell her that you want a clean drug screen before you supervise another visit. And you can not drive the little girl to see her any more. So she will have to plan a visit in advance with you and time to be drug free.