My live in girlfriend and I have been together for over two years. We are both divorced from alcoholics and we each have three kids between us so we are like the Brady Bunch. Our relationship has flourished and all the kids get along like real brothers and sisters.
My ex wife's father just passed away on Sunday. I plan to attend the funeral in support of my children, after all they just lost a grandfather and I want to be there to support them. Well my girlfriend is pissed and thinks I'm being loyal to my ex. This is completely not the case. I simply want them to know I am there for them in their time of grief.
I don't get this because this is completely out of character for her. Up to this point, she has been the most kind and giving person I know.
To those who have been or could be in a similar situation, what would you do?
2010-09-28T13:08:52Z
Lorena: It's not that she is not being included, she doesn't want to be anywhere near my ex and her family.
Anonymous2010-09-28T13:33:46Z
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I think that you are doing the right thing. You need to be there for your kids. Just because you are supporting your children does not show any signs that you are more loyal to your ex than her. I will agree that it is probable that your girlfriend will/does feel uncomfortable with it but it is not a social situation. Good luck to you!
First, let me say that I am sorry for the loss your children and you are experiencing. Death is hard for all of us, but I think for kids it is especially tough. You are right to be there for the kids. Like it or not, I think you would be doing a good thing to choose to be there because they need a supportive dad, even though your girlfriend won't be happy with it.
Really, I think she fears being in the spotlight of your ex's family as your girlfriend. Maybe she is afraid of being compared to the ex and getting either nasty looks or comments. If she shows up, she may think people will wonder why she went since she did not know the deceased.
And then, if she does not go, it will look like you are single or like she's being hateful by not attending the funeral. If she's insecure, she may think the ex will come on to you if you are alone.
So, maybe she thinks this is a no-win situation for her. And, if she has been very loving up until this, I'm guessing the outward behavior is a display of guilt and anxiety in addition to fear and insecurity. And really, she could not be blamed for not wanting to be around the ex and her family.
Let it cool off a little, then gently reassure her you love her and that the ex is definitely nowhere on your radar. Tell her you know she does not like it, but you do need to be a good dad and be there for the kids. (I'd be willing to bet that one thing she digs about you is that you are a good dad.) Tell her you welcome her to go with you, but that you will not be upset if she decides not to attend.
I totally understand your feelings of perplexity. I think the best thing you can do, off hand, is sit with her and talk to her; explain to her, lay everything out. Say. "Honey, I feel as the father of my children that it is my responsibility to help them through this grievance of death. In no way, does this have anything to do with, "her". If you feel upset, threatened or uncomfortable with my being in the presence of, "her" I welcome you to come to the funeral.".... and maybe that would even strengthen the bond that she already has with your children.. If she could step-up and put her jealousy, envy or perhaps it's just insecurity she has. A sense of inferiority because she didn't give you those children.. It's a pretty natural thing I think for her to have some sort of sense of resentment about the whole thing..but the facts are the facts..and you have children with this woman whom, once was your wife. Now, if your children had an important relationship with their grandfather..then maybe you should point that out to your girlfriend. Point out the reality and tell her your responsibilities and obligations you have towards your children. If she doesn't understand that..then I think maybe you might have to just roll with it. I think in every relationship there needs to be a compromise, negotiation and a sense of trust. I think you are in the clear. You have reason to make up excuses. Aside from that maybe you had a good a relationship with the man..and you feel you need to go to honor his life and death. Again, I'm just saying..trying to give you all the answers at once..because I don't know all the intimate details about your life but just putting it all into perspective. She shouldn't be harping on you. It's a funeral.. It will only be a few hours, if that? I mean really.. Why bring your ex into something that's already hard to deal with.. A death occurred in the family and the bottom ling is your children need you right now. I don't know what else to say. She should understand that. I don't know how she can relate the death of a loved one to your ex.. I understand it's her father we are talking about but really that was a past chapter of your life..and you've clearly moved on from it.. clearly.. you've moved in with her..brought her into your children's lives..and vice versa. Why would you do such a thing if you weren't committed to her.. why would you risk your children's well-being..if you were still loyal & somehow committed to their mother..you obviously aren't.. So, I think, personally..that she should get over it...this whole funeral has nothing to do with her..you..or your ex.. it has to do with your children & their grandfather, whom they lost..
If your girlfriend feels this strongly about the situation, then you have to respect that. You should allow your ex to take your children to the funeral. You should also explain to your children that you will not be at the funeral, but let them know that your are here for them. They understand a lot more then you think they do. It's not like your letting them down, they will understand.
Love the one you're with. I was in the same situation and instead of attending the funeral I sent flowers and a note to the family-not my ex-expressing my sorrow. Whether you tell your current live in or not is a judgement call that only you can make. Treat the past as the past and concentrate on your current situation or you will crate a sore spot that will fester over time.