I'm more asking for those who always knew they were adopted. My son just turned 3, lost his adoptive father in December, and just asked if his first parents are in heaven too. For those adopted, did you relate to adoption in any similar way? I try to explain that he had 4 parents who love him. Suggestions?
Erin L
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My daughter, who is almost 5, lost her grandmother, whom she saw multiple times a week and was the person she was most attached to after Mommy and Daddy, 6 months ago. Her processing of death has definitely entered her processing of adoption. She asked, similarly to your son, where her Mama, baba, sister, and brother were and "are they dead or something?" This even though she has been told many times that they live in Taiwan and she sees pictures of Taiwan and her biological family. Kids are very literal. It is SOOOOO hard for them to understand the permanance of death and to understand things they can't "see", like where biological family are and what they are doing. They tend to ask the same questions over and over. I have explained several times that they are alive (as far as I know) and that they live in Taiwan. She asks if they are taking a walk or going swimming, etc., so I realize she must have this image of them as a family without her. So, I explained very specifically that her Tawain Mama and sister live in a home together, that her Taiwan Baba lives in a different home by himself, and that her brother lives in a home with his mother (different from dd's mother). I think you just have to keep things literal, answer what they're asking, and realize it just may not be understood better until a little bit older age. But, anyway, yest, dd's processing of death and adoption have definitely been working together lately.
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I was told when I was 5 yrs old, I really didn't understand what adoption meant at that age, But even back then I knew something was different..... Back then I wasn't so concerned on the fact I was adopted as much as why my bio mom didn't want me . For many years I wondered what I did that made my Mom so mad at me to where she didn't want me anymore, I mean I was only 6 days old when I was put up for adoption, What could I have possibly done to her at such a young age , To make her not want me any more...
I don't think I even understand adoption today...
Love Few, Hate Many, Trust No One...
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I was around 4. Although I still did not completely understand it, I knew that I was different, and I was beginning to get a sense of my losses, and also about the lies involved in adoption. (like the "chosen child" thing, lol)
He probably needs to spend more time with his first parents, too. I remember you saying his adoption was open. This could be very important to him, especially since he just lost his adoptive father.
Anonymous
I learned at age 4 and wanted to know immediately why I had been stolen. My adoptive mother said that's what I asked her back, "why did you steal me?"
We came to actually find out how corrupt the adoption system is in my state and that my birthmother never wanted to give me up.
However, I love my adoptive parents
Andraya - Snark's Sister
I was about four and a half when I started to really understand what adoption meant. My amom talked with me about it often but my first real memory was shortly before the movie Annie was released in 1982. From what I remember my Mom said I asked to see my papers and while we were talking about them she asked if I would like to see a movie about a little girl who lived in an orphanage but got adopted. She took me to see it every single weekend for as long as it was in theaters, I was insatiable lol and still love it to this day.
My best suggestion would be to do what my Mom did, talk about adoption openly and honestly, offer to read any paperwork you have (letters from n-family, social worker notes etc) and let him ask any questions on his own time without too much prompting. It worked for me... but then again I'm bitter and angry ;-)