We were rushed into marriage and now we don't know how to be husband and wife?

Question

When we were going to my wife's church her pastor every time he would see us asked when we would be getting married. This started in the second month of us dating and knowing each other. I would tell him that we weren't ready to get married as of yet. We didn't have the resources to get married, and emotionally we just weren't ready for marriage.

His badgering kept on for another 5 months. I would always give him the same answer. His reply was always that we could just go to the courthouse and it would cost $100. That we didn't need to be ready emotionally for marriage, that we loved each other and that's all that was needed. Our fighting issues which developed 4 months into our relationship would resolve themselves when we would make things right in front of God (he didn't believe in having a boyfriend or girlfriend, that the Bible only says to go out and find a wife or husband).

Well, we got married 7 months into our relationship. Our fighting never did go away and no we have the added issues of marriage. We just passed our 1 year anniversary and we continue to argue and fight. We just do not know how to be married. We both grew up in broken homes. We never had what a loving and honoring marriage looked like and certainly not a Godly one.

We have tried counseling and it didn't help. We were going to a counselor at a local church, but he stopped making appointments for us. He was the only free one that we could see. Neither of our insurances cover marriage counseling and we can not afford to pay for it ourselves. We both see separate counselors, since our insurance will cover that, but it doesn't seem to be helping at all.

Nor do I think it really will. What we need to learn is how to be husband and wife. Something we never had modeled for us growing up. We don't know how to resolve conflicts without arguing. We don't know how to do many things that loving married couples do and don't seem to have a problem with. Our church doesn't have marriage mentors, nor does any other church that I have called in and around our area.

We are not looking to divorce, but we don't know what else to do. Just stopping the arguing isn't an option since the root cause is still there.

Divorce and separation is not an answer for us. We want to make this work, but do not know how. Growing up we were never given the tools it seems to have a successful relationship since we never seen a successful loving marriage at work.

We know we made a mistake in letting a pastor push us into marriage when we knew weren't ready. We know that we were wrong, but we don't need to be brow beaten about it. We need to know what now to do to help us make this marriage work.

What can we do? Does anyone have any answers?

Queen · Accepted Answer

The most beautiful thing about this is that you two are willing to work it out. I think that you two should play a game. you write down all the questions that you have for her, and put it in a box, and ask her to write down all the questions that she has about you. This will help you to get to know each other more. Some questions could be whats your faviorite color, food, tv show, music artis, what ticks you off, what are your pet peves, what do i do that makes you mad, how do you like to be loved, how do you like to be held, how to you want me to talk to you, how do you like the house cleaned, what is your definition of clean,exct. Ask anything that has been bottled up inside of you write in on a peice of paper put it in a box mix it up and play your question game. Give your questions to your wife and have her give her questions to you. Take turns picking out questions and answering them. Once you are done with the game discuss your results. Im sure both of you will discover things that you did not know about each other, and be honest. Dont be afraid to hurt each others feelings (that doesent mean to yell at each other, be sensitive to each others feelings). Make sure that both of you make the changes that need to be made. It is going to take time dont come down hard on each other if they make a mistake and do what you dont like again. Just know that they are trying. Be patient with one another, and no matter what you do keep God first maybe even pray together. Become each others best friend. Do things with her that you dont like to do but she does, and she should do things with you that she doesent like to do but you do. Always communicate no matter what. If you feel like the marriage is ending than say so and ask how can you work it out (which you did). If you are getting bored in the bedroom ask how you can spice it up fulfill each others fantasys, if you are tired of the same meals dont be rude about it just suprise her with a cook book with differnet foods in it that you want to try out. There is no perfect marriage you are going to have your ups and down. There may be times when you hate each other but dont let it discourage you. Keep your head up and fight for what is yours.

Anonymous · Answer

This might work for you:  Bibliotherapy.

Basically, it's the use of books to help you work through problems.

It helps if you are both good readers.

Together, select a couple of books on marriage or finances or whatever it is you want to work on.  Have two copies of each book you use.  Each of you read a set amount each day or each week, taking notes.  Then at the end of the week, get together and literally compare notes.  See what aspects of the topic you found most important and what you thought about them.

You'll be surprised at both the differences and the areas of similarities in your viewpoints.  But more importantly, you'll find out what the other person believes and you'll practice communicating with each other.

Good luck, guys.

? · Answer

This is an awful problem in our society, and I think will grow as more and more children from broken homes grow up.  I feel your pain as I experienced the frustration of trying to find someone to counsel my ex husband and myself.  Our pastor at the time told me that I needed to let him wear the pants in my family and if you knew the ins and outs you would probably find that as crazy as I did.   The pastor's wife actually took me aside and told me that they had problems in their marriage.

My ex went to Promise Keepers one weekend and I was thrilled and hopeful.  He came home and told me about it and I saw his focus--took a lot of hope away.

This is what I do know about a successful marriage, because my parents are getting ready to celebrate their 50th anniversary:  No one is perfect.  Forgiveness is really the glue that binds the ties of marriage.  Make rules about fighting--my parents would get in the car and fight there, so I don't know how they spoke to each other, but I know they weren't throwing chairs.  My dad is not and never was a yeller.  He just quietly laid down the law and really, he led so much by example that there wasn't any reason to challenge his authority.  My mom knew when to say when.  These things were absent their entire marriage:  Alcohol, drugs, porn, raunchy tv and/or movies.  I could go on.  My parents both committed their lives to the Lord and they committed their marriage to the Lord and now that they are getting up in years, have a truly sweet love for the world to see.

Oh, one last thought:  Make Divorce the nasty D word and forbid its use by either one--agree about this.  This word opens the door to the possibility and that door you want to keep closed except in very rare cases, arguing not one of them.

Dan The Man · Answer

Tough situation, but i 100% agree with your decision not to get divorced! So many people jump to a quick solution which solves nothing to be honest (more heartache & etc).
My advice is, yes, to have Jesus as the center of your marriage..BUT...i'm assuming that since you are attending church that you are trying to do that already, Great!
I would never bash another religion, so don't get me wrong, but if this was me i would find a church where i know preaches truth and are there to help others. I personally attend a Pentecostal church which are field with many anointed people who can def. help! I would just try it out and try to speak to someone. I promise they will help!
Outside of the help of a man of God. Other little things i'd try (why not) is maybe the Love Dare. Ever heard of it? Watched the movie Fire Proof? Christian movie about a marriage falling apart. There's a book that one of them follow and it puts new values and hope into their life. 
Now the book itself wont help but it may help teach each of you something.
Also, there's a great book called: His needs, Her needs.
Its good as well.

Good luck,
God bless :-)

PROBLEM · Answer

You need to grow up. Quit blaming everyone else, pastor included. Go get more counseling.

We were rushed into marriage and now we don't know how to be husband and wife?

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