Please answer what do you think of this short passage? It is from my novel.?
His naked torso glistened with sweat as the late sun kissed his skin, turning it to a beautiful, deep, even shade of bronze. His jet-black hair was pulled back in a pony-tail trailing down the middle of his back to his waist, held by a leather thong. She watched the hard muscles of his arms and back tense when he raised the ax.
The act of chopping wood seemed very sensual to Jessie as she watched his body flex and relax, tracing the path of a glowing bead of sweat down his back and around his hip where his jeans dipped precariously low.
A loud crack broke her reverie and she noticed two halves of the newly split log. All noise ceased abruptly, throwing the forest into an eerie silence. When Jessica looked into the man’s face she found herself swimming in a sea of darkness. His looks comprised of sharp angles and planes. His patrician nose perfectly highlighted by severe cheekbones, his chin strong. From ten feet away she could feel his presence permeate the air.
2011-02-17T13:26:09Z
Could you also include your age when critiquing me. I'm curious about equating the advice to the experience of the individuals.
I do happen to speak the way I write. It is the thing that sets my omniscient voice apart from my characters voices. I'm not sure there is another way to describe pony-tail or jet-black, but feel free to offer up some suggestions.
Thank you.
2011-02-17T13:50:04Z
@Depletion - using it in place of aristocratic. I'm a big historical romance reader. That is how I made the word choice.
2011-02-17T13:52:19Z
I think of permeate as becoming a part of the air or one with it. Penetrate sounds too harsh to me as if it is 'punching through' the air, taking it over. Overwhelming it.
Depletion2011-02-17T13:07:40Z
Favorite Answer
I have a feeling that you are using a thesaurus... only use words that you know the meaning of. "His patrician nose" for instance, is kind of irrational. I have a feeling you're using it in place of "refined" or "dignified". "His presence permeate the air". When I think "permeate" I think "penetrate." I would recommend not overdoing the big words. Stick to simple words on occasion, especially to avoid the same sounds word after word.
Okay, positive. You have a great sense of detail and sensuality, it's working very well for you.
This passage seems a lot stronger than others of yours I've seen in the past. But still, you use too many words. Need to cut/cut/cut, slice and simplify.You know the saying: "her virtues became her vices..." ? (I paraphrased it.) This is how I see your writing. You like describing visual detail, and can do it well. But you don't know when to stop and move on to the next thought. People who read have enough intelligence to connect the dots. If you provide a few key details of the "word painting" you have in your mind--your readers can provide the rest of the visual detail themselves. Let them use their imaginations. If you take them by the hand and describe every minute detail--guess what? You will bore them and they'll stop reading. Just the same as a kid who doesn't want to walk through the park holding Mommy's hand every second when they're 5 or 6 years old. Give your readers independence. Let go of their hands. If you're telling an intriguing story with minimum details, rather than maximum--they will still want to walk alongside you to keep hearing the story. The story itself and the qualities of the characters you present in it, are what hook them. Not the beauty of your descriptions. One exquisite description after another gets tedious for the reader. Some writers like Vladimir Nabakov and Anais Nin, and even John Updike could get away with "overwriting". But they are rare exceptions. And if you want to succeed in selling mass market paperback fiction, don't try being another Nabakov or Nin!
Here's how I'd edit your first paragraph, below. The second paragraph was quite good, lean. The third paragraph was quite good too--except that "sea of darkness" does not work at all. Why? Because you are making the reader momentarily think that "she" suddenly went blind...OR the lights just went out! It's just not an effective simile at all. And then you suddenly jump to describing the bones, the architecture of "his" face. It starts to be disjointed writing, but still pretty solid.
OK...NOW my free editing:
His torso glistened with sweat. And the late day sunlight made his skin a gleaming, deep bronze...beautiful. His jet-black hair, in a pony-tail, trailed down to his waist, and was gathered into a leather ring. She watched how the hard muscles of his arms and back tensed as he raised the ax.
i like it. good details, but the comment above is right. permeate might be technically correct, but it does not sound it. a book is read for the plot and the writing, not necessarily the sophistication of the words