This question is primarily for adoptees. I want to know how YOU would feel. By law, and due to serious safety concerns, our son is not allowed any contact with his natural mother and her family. He is 4 years old currently. We frequently flip through his baby book and talk about his mom, his foster parents who raised him from birth and still stay in touch with him, and how he came to be in our family. We ONLY talk in positive terms about his mom. We want to include his mom's photo in his baby book, along with her full name, right next to the photos of his foster family and us, so that he can better know who he is and feel confident about himself and his history. We have searched the internet and begged DSS to ask her for photos, to no avail. However..... We have managed to find one photo of her on the internet. It's a mug shot. She looks disheveled...she greatly resembles this photo of janis joplin (without the fancy outfit and with her hair more unkempt) http://www.bobseidemann.com/janis_print.html As an adoptee, would you have wanted to see a photo of your natural mother even if it wasn't a good photo? Or would you have rather not seen her photo until much later or when/if you asked for more information. Thanks for your help.
2011-07-22T22:05:52Z
Irishrose: I should clarify that, currently, we just talk about his natural mother in 4 year old terms. We certainly tell him that she wasn't able to care for him, but we just don't spell out the 'why's'. We also haven't, yet, given him her name. We just have it in his adoption and medical records and will tell him her name as he gets older and wants to know more detailed information. Currently, his interest lies in looking at pictures of himself as a baby and in stories about him that we've written down in the baby book. Thanks for your reply!
Dreamweaver back for more2011-07-23T07:54:54Z
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I am 42 years old and not even allowed non-identifying info without getting an attorney and all. Tried vital statistics for OBC and they sd it was on the way ...only to be sent a letter 6 weeks later to write the juvenile court judge for permission, which I did....only to be sent ANOTHER letter saying I needed a mediator and giving a name and#. Called her twice with no response. Really? So, I'd rather have a mugshot, a really good drawing, a picture of my mother in her casket if I had to. Any picture would be better than absolutely NO info at all.
That's a good question - one that I think you should ask a counselor/therapist that specializes in adoption, children and adults. There are really a couple different parts to this. As a child and adopted, it was on my aparents to make the best decisions for me that they could. Your decisions can only be as good as the information that it's based upon. I am not an expert therapist in adoption issues, only an adult adoptee. From my perspective alone, I'm thinking I might have liked the picture, but if her full name was there, I would have been looking for info, fb, etc by the time I was 13, and if I'd found her I would have connected with her. Also, even at age 4, I would have wanted my aparents to be honest (age appropriate) about her and my relinquishment. Not that I recommend saying ALL that you know -just not saying "all positive" either. I think that as adoptees, we are entitled to our truths. His mom is what she is. I don't agree with putting her down, saying things you don't know to be true, but I do think there are ways to be honest and compassionate.
I remember my bio mother and would never have wanted to see her face again if I could possibly avoid it. But in your specific situation, where your son has no negative/traumatic associations with his bio mother, usually I would recommend having photos where these are available. It really depends how bad the photo is. 4yr olds have extremely fertile imaginations and an astounding ability to scare themselves silly - monsters under the bed, anyone??
So I would say proceed with caution, or perhaps save the photo for when he's older and his understanding of adoption is greater. I'm sure the last thing you would want is him being terrified of the wild woman coming to take him away. But if the picture isn't too bad, trust your instinct and give it a go if you think he'll cope ok.
I would also be cautious about providing him with any identifying information regarding his mother until he's much older. This doesn't sit comfortably with me, I'm all in favour of open adoptions, but it's very unusual for the courts to deny any contact and I'm assuming the decision was made for very valid reasons. Children are incredibly computer-literate these days - what might happen if he took it upon himself to trace her as an 8, 9, 10yr old for example. Could a risk still exist? It's a tough judgement call.
We're facing a similar issue with our adopted children (siblings). My eldest, now 8, remembers his natural mother and to him she's the big, bad witch. He still has nightmares and panic attacks about her coming back, so we had to remove the 2 photos we have as they made it worse for him. But his younger brother and sister were too young at time of removal to have any conscious memory, so we walk a balancing act between satisfying their curiosity and protecting him from further trauma. One day, hopefully, we'll be able to put the pictures out again.
I can only speak from my experience, which is that I desperately craved any photos of my bfamily. I wanted to see who I resembled, I wanted to see what I might look like when I'm older, and I wanted to get an idea of who these people were. I would definitely keep the photo and if a question is asked about why it's a mug shot, just be honest but not judgmental. My amom was always honest with me yet talked about my bmom in a tone much like yours, neither positive nor negative. She told me the facts as I asked, and let me make my own judgments.
As for when you should show your son these photos, that is up to your discretion. If it's the only photo you have I would show it to him from the beginning. If you found other photos of her I would keep it to the side for when he is older.
I grew up not knowing who my birth parents were until I was 8 when my adoptive mother opened the adoption and now I'm in a close relationship with my birth mother and her new family. However, I know next to nothing about my father. I don't even know what he looks like. All I have is a name for him. He left me as a child..but I would like to know if he was honorable or not. I want to know if he actually cared about me or my birth mother or if he was just a man-whore. I'd like to know if he's a criminal or not. So yes, I think it'd be good for your son just to grow up knowing about his true history instead of being shocked when he's older. I think it's good that you're being open and trying to learn more about his birth mother. But I do think it's important that he grow up knowing that she's been in prison before for whatever reason. I think it's very..very important. So when he starts asking questions on why he was adopted that'll be a good time to say she wasn't a very good lady. Just be completely honest at all times. He'll thank you for it. But for the most part be positive about her for he may want to meet her when he's older (whether you open the adoption or he finds her himself after 18) stay positive..but honest.