Can you talk about dinner plans in front of people who aren't invited?

Question

My wife and I try to have people over for dinner once a month or so, and tonight, we're having three people over - Sally, and John and Jean.  Every Wednesday, our circle of friends goes out for drinks, and last night it was my wife and I, Sally, and Paul and Pauline.  We're all close friends, and I've had all of them over to my house for both small dinners and big holiday events.  At the end of last night, I mentioned that we're having Sally over for dinner tonight, and Paul said to Pauline, "We're leaving," and got up and walked out of the restaurant.  I should mention that Paul isn't a particularly sensitive guy, but he does enjoy creating an uncomfortable situation for a laugh.  That's how our group of friends interacts.  And it was funny.

My wife and Sally say that I shouldn't have said anything about it in front of people who weren't invited - even though they agreed that Paul was obviously going for a laugh, they think he was also a little bit offended.  I can understand that if I'm inviting *nearly everyone* from our circle of 20 or so close friends that non-invitees would feel excluded, but it's a small gathering.  I can understand if I spent the whole evening discussing plans, but it was one statement at the end of the evening.  I don't think I've actually caused offense, or that something like this would be expected to cause offense.

Complicating matters is the fact that Paul is pretty well off, and has a large house that is well-equipped for entertaining, and I'm generally always invited to his events.  On the other hand, if we're having dinner for more than 6 (including my wife and I), someone is going to be eating on the couch.  When I've had larger holiday parties, I set up tables in the yard.  I usually borrow them from Paul, actually.  (November and December are a little more comfortable for eating outdoors than August here in Florida.)  Speaking of the holiday parties, I'm infamous for creating a spreadsheet to randomly pick people to invite - even my yard is too small to accomodate all of our good friends, and I specifically didn't want people to feel left out.  (I'm also kind of a nerd, and random number generators and complicated algorithms are kind of my thing.)

So - what's the etiquette for discussing a dinner invitation in front of people who aren't invited?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I went out to drinks with a co-worker once. We get along really well at work and will see each other outside of work every so often and have a good time. In this one instance she invited another one of her friends and the evening went by wonderfully, we all had a great time. At the end though her and her friend started discussing future plans to go out to some BBQ or some such thing. I was trying not to pay attention, but the long and the short of it was they were making additional plans to go do stuff after the bar where I obviously wasn't invited.

Now the thing is I didn't particularly want to do anything else that night. I'm the type of person that needs time to recharge my batteries after social interaction which is why me and this co worker get along so great. Once the movie or dinner or drinks or what have you is over we say goodnight and have no awkward feelings about should we or should we not do something after wards. However having her and her friend talk about this event they were going to after wards made everything... very uncomfortable. Even though I didn't want to be apart of it I suddenly started to feel like a third wheel all the same. 

My point in the whole story is that even if the person doesn't mind not being invited, even if they understand, it's still a very awkward situation for them to be caught in a conversation like that. It doesn't matter if you talk about it for an hour or just mention it in fly by it can make the atmosphere in a room very uncomfortable for the person being left out. The best thing to do is just wait until after the get together is over and if really need be discuss it in the parking lot after the other friends have left, or call the people up later once you get home (after all you know they'll still be up). Just don't mention it in front of the people not being invited.

? · Answer

Sheesh! What is Paul in kindergarten and starts crying because he didn't get invited to Jimmies party?! Come on, how immature can we be. You brought it up casually, not trying to throw it in his face that you're hosting some event and he's not invited. He'll get over it and if he doesn't he needs to learn to accept the fact you have the right to hang out, get drinks, go to a baseball game, go fishing, have a coffe, with anybody you like without inviting every single friend you have. Even if everybody knows each other. I'm sure him and his wife make plans with people and don't invite the whole crew.
Your situation reminds of a similar one of mine: My mom got married last November, it was an impromptu occassion, where her and her husband were surprising their aging mothers with their wedding. It was sweet. Only about 12 people were invited. Her husband has 6 brothers, my mom has family in Canada, Michigan, Texas, all over really, so making a big hoopla is not what she wanted to plan. Just a simple, no fuss, no invitations, no RSVP cards, etc. I can't blame her. Well one brother and his wife got totally insulted they weren't invited. I tried to explain it wasn't a wedding planned months in advance, you were not deliberately uninvited. They totally didn't get it that my mom didn't have the desire to turn it into the typical 3 ring circus of a wedding. They were so selfish and could only see their own point of view instead of being happy for the couple. 
Some people need to grow up and realize how childish their actions really are.

Anonymous · Answer

You don't mention it infront of people. How would you like if your small group got together and then in the middle of the gathering, they dicuss future plans and how awesome it will be, and you come to realize you were not invited?..... How your wife was invited but not you?

A lot of people do this, and it does bother other people.

Makes them wonder why they had to discuss plans infront of them that they were not invited to.



It's rude, don't do it infront of them!

? · Answer

Generally, no; at best, it's like going on and on with one person about a movie your guests haven't seen. An exception might be if you are planning an event for a mutual friend, and they are invited to it, but will be elsewhere and cannot attend.

Ed Fox · Answer

I think your own sensitivity got up and left the building.  You simply do not discuss plans where people not involved in the plans are present

Can you talk about dinner plans in front of people who aren't invited?

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