Dealing with regrets for bad things you've done as a youth?
When I was a kid I did some things that if I did as an adult I would probably get sent to prison for. I cannot really make excuses for these things because even though I was young, I knew it was wrong, just didnt take the time to consider the consequences. As I got older, wiser & mature I realised these things I did would haunt me for the rest of my life. Now I have nightmares every night (when I do sleep) I feel constant guilt, and have gotten nowhere in my life due to these things slowly bothering me more and more every year, due to constant anxiety everyday. I am wondering if anyone has suggestions of what I should do to to make things right?
Kayliana2011-09-18T16:40:44Z
Favorite Answer
As someone with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)...a lot of the things you mention sound a little familiar to the symptoms I've dealt with. I'm not a fan of counseling, for myself, but it's always an option you can consider. If you have insurance, see if they cover seeing a therapist or you can search for a low-cost one in your area.
Here's some ideas for you.
Forgive and accept- NOT forget. We are who we are based on all of our thoughts and actions prior to this moment in time. That means the good with the bad. Accept what you've done, but forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, some are little and some are big. But that's how we grow, trial and error. There's no manual on how to live life, nothing is black and white. Everything is shades of gray. Accept what you've done, but forgive yourself.
By forgiving yourself, I mean....say "I have done XYZ, which I know was wrong. I regret what I have done, for it hurt others and now I am hurting for it. I will not do such things again, I will learn from my mistakes, but I will allow myself to grow from this moment on by forgiving myself and turning my negative feelings about the past into positives feelings for the future."
I won't ask what you have done, you are the one who knows the full truth of the past and that is what is important. Sometimes, when we're feeling at the worst....although it seems like the last thing we want to do...try reaching out to others. You feel guilty for what you've done to something/someone else, right? Which means, I'm sure, that you feel you don't deserve success or happiness.
But you do. You do deserve success and happiness and a second chance. Be merciful to others, but be merciful to yourself as well. If you can't find it in you to do something for yourself (furthering your education, taking care of yourself, enjoying your food/friends/family/going out)...then consider doing something for others. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, or at an animal shelter. Go to a nursing home and spend some time with the lonely souls whose own children have abandoned them. Depending on what crimes you've committed, perhaps specifically look into finding a way to help victims directly related. (IE: If you did graffiti, maybe look into an area where graffiti is tagged and see if you can clean it up).
You have to take a deep breath and stop looking into the past and the future, for the moment. Just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and listen to your heartbeat for a few minutes. Re-center yourself. Use this as an opportunity to become a better person, rather than wasting the lesson's life has taught you by wallowing in misery.
I know it can be hard. You will have good days and you will have bad days. You might be fine for a day, a month, a year...then suddenly be plagued with nightmares again. When that happens, start over.
In the meantime, some smaller goals you might accomplish: -Write a letter. A long and sincere one. State what you've done, and apologize for it. Then be sure to include in the letter your intentions for resolving it. What are your plans? How are you intending to make amends? You can even start by saying you have come on here to look for help. The first step is always the hardest. Once you've written this letter, burn it. Burn it away, and like the phoenix let your past be gone and your spirit be reborn. -Consider taking some advil PM to help you sleep soundly as you're going through this. -Practice some meditation exercises. It can be as simple as throughout the day pausing and reflecting on how you're feeling and why, and then being sure to reaffirm yourself it's alright to feel this way and you're going to do XYZ to make things right.
I hope any of the above helped, and I wish you ever happiness.
It's hard not to collect a regret or two here and there as one goes ambling through life. The umbilical chord becomes a tightrope that we must walk on for the duration of our existence outside the womb, and so so so SOOOO many of us tend to have wobbly feet. :-/ I try not to waste too much time on regret, however. When I realize I've done something wrong, I apologize and do whatever I can to make it right. But regret, guilt - that all holds you down. Not that one should be able to just blithely do whatever they want and not feel a bit bad about it, but as the saying goes, "What's done - is done." There's nothing that regret, guilt or remorse can do to change it, and so all you end up doing is beating yourself up over something you no longer have any power to control. All we can do is learn from our mistakes. Take a look at things we regret, and vow to ourselves not to repeat those mistakes ever again. Hopefully, we can show someone else that lesson by rote, sparing them the agony of having to learn it first-hand on their own. I have no regrets at the moment. I've -had- regrets - at the moment I realize that I did something I would never have wanted to do ever again, in that instant, I regret it. But just because one _has_ a regret, that doesn't mean that they must _keep_ it. The regrets I've had, they are all things I would change if I could. But I can't, and so I'm not going to waste time and energy feeling guilty about them. I'll acknowledge to any and all that I made a mistake, and I accept full responsibility for the consequences of that mistake. But guilt? Guilt is a killer. Don't waste your precious energies on such a lowly, selfish thing.
Look, I don't have much to offer you in terms of life advice because I'm only 14, but you need to live in the moment. You can't change the past, you can only make up for it and keep a promise to yourself to be a good, wholesome person and try your best to have wholesome thoughts, speech and actions.
Here's a Buddhist story about a ruthless murderer who is redeemed and eventually enlightened, proof of the universal human potential for spiritual progress and "reform."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angulimala
We're only human, we can only improve. I'm only 14 and I've said/thought/done some things I'm particularly guilty about, but I've decided to move past it and be good from now on. One step at a time, my friend. Take care and may compassion be in your heart.