What do you think of my idea for a short fantasy story?
Ryder Jones was dismissed from being a guard in Fylgiar because he fell in love with the princess. He is banished and finds himself in the middle of Bailor while a Royal Census begins. Bailor is magically protected against predators. Only those of pure intentions can even find it. However in order to maintain the population a contest is held each year 'the Hunt'. Magic weapons that do not harm are used to 'tag' the new residents. If you are 'tagged' by hunters too often you are sent away. Those who are not tagged stay. Depending on how many new people arrive depends on how many tags are allotted. Ryder meets a hunter. A completely onyx colored hunter, from hair to feet, even the clothes. Jekana. He is enamored of her over time. At the end of the hunt it is deemed that Ryder did not partake of the hunt officially and must leave. Jekana gives up her spot and allows him to stay. She is to be Princess of her clan of bird people. She doesn't wish to become Queen as they rule through fear, violence and intimidation. Because she ran away they will probably execute her once she is found. Outside of Bailor Ryder shows up. He tells her he will help her to stay alive and they can return next hunt and try again.
What do you think? Would you read it?
2011-10-05T13:18:34Z
*EDIT* You are taking 'Tag' too literally. There are several movies where the prisoners are let free in an urban jungle, or an arena, or a race track, etc. The idea is that they fight to the death. In this 'game' they are required to escape capture. Weakness can only hurt the magic of the kingdom. It is a short story I have about 11,000 words to show her skill and prowess as a warrior. Get him to fall for her, and end the story.
Steven2011-10-05T13:41:02Z
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I have a couple of problems with how this seems to be shaping up.
First. You say that he was dismissed from his guard post because he fell in love with the princess then he finds himself in a city that can only be found by those with pure intentions. If he found the city, then he obviously has pure intentions. If he has pure intentions, why was he dismissed from his post for falling in love. Seems to me he would only be dismissed if he acted on that love in a manner that would be considered unacceptable, but if his intentions were, in fact, pure, then he would never act in such a manner.
Second. If Jekana gives her spot to allow Ryder to stay (assuming this is within her power to do so), how does he end up outside of Bailor again.
Third. If she is going to be executed when found for running away, how could they try to compete in the next hunt. She would still have a death warrant out.
Fourth. It seems a bit convenient that both women Ryder loves are princesses. It is far more plausible, and endearing, that Jekana be a regular person (bird person), or even a peasant of her people, so that Ryders sacrifice in leaving Bailor for her would actually mean something. It is one thing to risk yourself for a princess, it is quite another to risk yourself for a peasant.
Fifth. Why would the bird-princess also be hunting new residents, wouldn't she be groomed for her royal destiny rather than given a laborious job hunting to control the population.
Sixth. It would also be more convincing if Ryder DOES officially participate in the hunt, but Jekana protects him throughout the hunt and that is why she is banished. He is never tagged because she is helping him, but she must leave because she broke the rules. Then he sacrafices his position in town and braves the wild with her while they wait for the next hunt. This will be proof of his love for her as she has proved her love for him in protecting him even though it was against the rules.
You stole this idea from me, outright!! How could you? I thought I gave you my plot outline with a guarantee of full discretion!
Haha....just kidding. It's really quite a "fantastic" story line...has genuine potential, me thinks.
I don't go for stuff like this at all, normally. But when you introduced the character of Jekana (interesting name) I immediately started remembering the movie AVATAR. Aren't there some parallels here? I got a huge kick out of the 3-D version of that movie & saw it twice. So if you can make your story even 1/2 as thrilling and intriguing as AVATAR, that would be an accomplishment.
Btw, the reason I don't like stories of this type generally is that the world as it is, is so interesting and fascinating....if you really go delving into it deeply--I'm including history going back thousands of years--like the ancient Egyptians, for example--I really don't see the need for fabricating new names and places and people. I mean, where the hell is "Fylgiar"? If I made up a story like this, I would go for more recognizable names. Like, instead of Fylgiar, I might use "Fluffyville". And instead of Bailor, I'd prefer something like "Bay of Lore". Also, if you made Jekana a woman from Jamaica, she could be called "Jerkana"....as in "Jerked Chicken".
I like it but I think the idea of people playing tag to keep their spot in the city is too childish. I don't think people would take that part seriously and it *is* an important part in your book. Maybe they hunt each other and can beat each other up but can't kill...?