How to deal with a husband who moved in his best friend into our home?

Question

I need help! My husband of seven years has moved in his best friend into our place without setting a deadline for when this man will move out, and we do not have any children. This man has lost his job and his wife due to some terrible decisions he made. My husband has been feeling sorry for this man, and asked me if he could move in with us until he gets back on his feet. I had a no problem with this at first, but his staying with us has been nearly a year now, and my patience level is gone! 

My husband has not been pressuring this man to pay rent, nor contribute to household expenses. This man does not have the desire to take care of his responsibilities, but walks around the house looking depressed, and my husband feeling sorry for him each time, and show so much compassion and patient to this man. My husband becomes defensive each time I questioned him on the length of this man's stay. This man gets jealous each time we invite close friends into our home for dinner, watch movies, etc, and he follows my husband around very close as though he is his MAN even out in public places! I feel like that I have another woman staying with us who has been competing for my husband's attention, and this is getting on my last NERVES!! 

I told my husband that we need to seek counseling on how to deal with this man, but my husband has been refusing to discuss this with anyone because he knows that others will not take his side on this issue. My husband contributes this man sad countenance as having low self-esteem and no one cares for him, but I told my husband that this man is acting like this on purpose, because he does not want to leave our home, and he CHOOSES to avoid taking care of his responsibilities. His problems have become a part of our lives, and I want this man to leave our home! My husband spends more time with this man being his little helper to cut the grass, wash dishes etc, while I behaving more like a mother. Each night, I go to bed with a broken heart, feeling depressed...I have no desire to cook anymore, and take part of household responsibilities. On top of this, my husband is not affectionate toward me at all. I do not want a DIVORCE, but advices on how to deal with this situation.

Mircat · Accepted Answer

You haven't said money is a problem of if the guy is employed.  If he has a job and money isn't that tight then here is what you could do:

Take the guy aside and tell him he has 30 day, 60 days or 90 days whichever, to find a place and move out.  I wouldn't give him the option of starting to contribute toward household expenses because he might stay forever!

Say nothing else, don't argue, don't offer any explanations just give him an exact date.  Once the time limit has come and gone, go rent a motel room for him, pay for 3 days up front so he can't run up a bill on you, pack up his crap in garbage bags and take it to the motel room.  When he comes home hand him the room key to the motel.  Then be prepared for a big blow up with your husband.

Are you totally sure that these two guys are not having an affair?

It sounds as if your husband is an enabler because he seems to do nothing to get the guy to take care of himself and get back on his feet and be self-sufficient.  If he suspects the guy is depressed then he should be encouraging him to get therapy.  Encourage him to get out and be involved in some activities.  Join a bowling league or softball league etc.

I also would invite people over as often as possible even if it was giving Tupperware parties every weekend.  The biggest threat is that you say it's him or me but if you don't want a divorce then you need to become proactive.  You might consider counseling which might give you some clue as to how to handle the situation and the house guest.

Good luck and I hope your bed and breakfast returns to being a home.

Lilith Of Calla · Answer

I think you should try to find him a job. Question you husband on exactly what the man did to him....
Maybe the man did something to him in the past that your husband feels like he is indebted to him for, and maybe he was a different person than you think. 
Good Luck!
I don't know if you like dogs or not, but this has GOT to make anybody smile :)

MCSHughes · Answer

Your husband needs to give the guy a two weeks notice today.

The guy has no motive for leaving, he's got everything for free at your home.  If your husband wants to feel sorry for this no nothing, he can give him hotel money but you have to put your foot down.

"Either free loader goes by (fill in date) or I do."

Ace Shorty · Answer

Tell your husband either he has to go or I am, our marriage is fixing to come apart if he doesn't leave, I've took all I can it's him or me. A year is way too long for him to be staying with you. If he doesn't choose you then you know you didn't have nearly as much as you thought you did.

? · Answer

Try finding him a woman. or a job. he's obviously not going to do it himself
p.s. you just answered my question on my dream ive explained the situation in a little more detail

How to deal with a husband who moved in his best friend into our home?

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