How can I build confidence after proposal?

Some background: I am 30 years old. Have been divorced for 4 years, and in a relationship with an absolutely wonderful 40-year-old Englishman that I love very much for the past 3 years. It's long-distance, he's in London and I'm in New York, but we see each other 4 or 5 times a year and communicate a lot via text, email, phone and Skype. I am an anxious person in general, and have been all of my life. He is very understanding of this. We are both busy in our professional lives and have school-age kids, but make time to talk every day, even if it's just a few quick texts or an emailed pic of something from our day.

Recently, he called me up unexpectedly and proposed. We are seeing each other this fall and getting "physically" engaged, like, with a ring and such, and have already started making some general wedding plans. I was shocked, and thrilled, but every since then, I have been extremely, extremely anxious.

I can't pinpoint exactly why, but this to marry this man would be a literal dream come true, and I can't help but feel that it's all some sort of cruel joke being played by the universe. I don't see how I can be deserving of such a wonderful opportunity, and it's turning me into a lunatic. There were trust issues with my ex-husband, which I am now projecting into my 'new' gentleman. All of a sudden, I am acting like a clingy highschooler, analyzing his texts for hidden meaning and freaking out if his email doesn't contain a smiley face. Yes, really. He has always been honest yet gentle with me-- if he is in a bad mood or having a busy day, he will let me know and we will make arrangements to Skype the next day, for example-- and now I find myself constantly wondering if he is just waiting for the right time to dump me.

I don't want to be like this, it's driving me crazy. I also don't want to be needing constant reassurance from him-- what kind of message would it send if all of a sudden I don't believe he loves me or actually wants to marry me? I don't want to be that person who needs to hear "I love you" 45 times a day and still doesn't believe it. How can I build confidence so that I can enter this marriage in a good state of mind, and actually be happy that I've finally found the man of my dreams?

ching c2012-08-02T07:00:24Z

Favorite Answer

You're reacting to unexpected circumstance, as you haven't thought about it, but its natural to be cautious- you spent so long not daring to hope that it could happen to you. I would try not to overthink this and wait until you can see each other face to face before talking it thro. LDRs are often fraught with anxiety and overcompensation, so don't worry so much, take it a day at a time and keep your feet on the ground. Good luck!

10

Anonymous2012-08-02T07:03:30Z

Odds are in your favor to work out. Our culture as Americans is from the English and the British so all is well there. The only thing is that I ask is that you put marriage off for a little while until after you've lived with him. Also I would ask that you get married in the USA. That way you have "Retreat Rights". Ive noticed allot of those types of questions here on how to divorce someone from over seas. Here, you wont have that problem. Obviously, you'll want dual citizenship so dont give that up even though the visa costs extra.
You have to remember that he is the one on probation, not you. He proposed, not you so he has allot to prove since you will out of your element in another country.

10

Anonymous2012-08-02T06:55:11Z

See a psychiatrist for generalized anxiety disorder.
If he hasn't spent time with you to know what a spaz you are , you will freak him out with it .

01

air2012-08-02T07:16:37Z

Worry= for nothing.

It solves nothing & IS for nothing.

Whatever happens, learn from & realize it was meant to be. Dont have low self esteem, we are all special!!!!

10

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