Husband doesn't appreciate anything I'm trying to do: What should I do?

I'm currently on maternity leave (returning on the 29th). My maternity leave is unpaid, since I was a contract employee. They are hiring me on as a salaried employee when I return. To help make ends meet, I've been doing freelance work since I started maternity leave. Also, I do some remote work for my primary employer. We have student loan debt and two kids, so doing the extra work is necessary. We moved during the last month, and I organized the move. Also, I try to cook and clean the house while DH is at work.

Here's the issue: he doesn't seem to appreciate it. Generally, he talks/complains a lot about his job when he gets home. I don't mind listening because, well, he needs to get it off his chest and I generally like talking to him. Thing is, don't usually complain when things are stressful with my freelancing, when I didn't get enough sleep because of the kids, etc.

Today, he got upset with me because he was up with our two year old who wouldn't go back to sleep. DH probably got around 5 hours of sleep last night. I would have gotten up with her, but the baby was wanting to be fed and he's not really good at getting the baby to settle. He said that my work "Isn't really hard" like his. (We're both office workers. He's designing a database, and I do technical writing.) He also doesn't really want to watch the kids so that I can go work out a couple times a week. (I watch them so that he can work out.) I've lost all the weight but I have zero muscle tone and feel gross.

Generally speaking, how can I get him to appreciate what I do for us? Should I complain more? I can't just stop working because we would miss the 4000+ per month I've been bringing in.

2012-10-11T07:12:33Z

Eric, I'm bringing in 4K/month freelancing while on maternity leave. It's often more stressful than working a salaried job because the deadlines are rushed. If I wasn't working from home, I wouldn't consider having him get up in the middle of the night during the week. (I was a stay at home mom for the first ten months of our oldest daughter's life.)

2012-10-11T07:16:56Z

I don't need someone to get effusive over what I do. Point is, I don't care to have him tearing me down. He doesn't have to tell me that he appreciates what I do. In fact, until this morning I assumed that he did.

Softtouchmale2012-10-11T07:07:56Z

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You and he have to have a serious conversation about respect.

You both have to respect each other and support each other. Maybe you both ought to join a gym that's kid-friendly so you can bring the kids with you when you both go and work out.

The YWCA and YMCA and a host of gym chains offer child care facilities so you can do your workout together.

As far as the rest, you and he should be working on getting the kids used to both of you settling them down and putting them to sleep, etc. Instead of fighting each other, just work together.

Obviously the money you and he bring in is what you need to support your family. Don't blow it sniping at each other. Life's too short. Besides if you guys finally get past all of these little things, you might have time to have fun together.

?2012-10-11T14:10:07Z

He's not angry that you never do anything, but right now with you on unpaid maternity leave you are neither bringing in the 4000 a month or (so far as he's concerned) working as hard as he is. He has a specific time he has to be up and be in the office - you don't right now. So cut some slack, forget about it and see what happens after you are back at in the office working.

?2012-10-11T14:15:47Z

Maybe you should appreciate the hard work he puts in so you can take a year off and not have to work. My wife quit work after we had kids and it stayed that way for 10 years till we divorced. Never said thank you or showed any appreciation. She bitched and moaned at me for not spending time with kids. Tough, I was out earning a living to support her and her expensive tastes.

I will agree with the above, marriage is not a pissing contest (I did more than you, you didnt do enough etc) its about joint effort, cooperating and sharing. Sure kids are hard work when they are young but its only for a couple of years. Your husband will be at it for another 20-30 probably.

Lynn V2012-10-11T14:13:03Z

Ah, yes, another refugee from the I-need-validation-generation. You don’t need to be continually patted on the head like a little dog, in order feel good about what you do for the two of you as a couple. The doing of it, and doing it well, and you acknowleging to yourself that you’ve done it well, is all you need. Start being your own cheerleader and stop looking around for his approval. I don’t need my husband showering me with sunshine for doing the laundry, or cleaning the floors. I did it because I like clean clothes and a dirt-free floor. I’d still be doing it, without praise, if he wasn’t here at all. If your hubs dropped dead tomorrow, no one would be getting effusive over the fact that you work part-time, and get up with the baby. Get used to being the beginning and end of your own approval system - it will cause you a let less of those I-need-someone-to-tell-me-how-wonderful-I-am feelings.

l8tr g8tr2012-10-11T15:13:24Z

He's a man. He's being a whiny baby. They can be like that sometimes...If his complaining gets to be too much - put him in check over it or start changing the subject and don't discuss it anymore.

Oh, and on the work out thing...tell him that you are going out for XX time and will be back later...don't ask. Your health is not something that will be compromised on when he is perfectly capable of fathering his children. Then do what you say...go, workout and come home after.

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