Much needed help/advice about my situation plz, so much on my mind. :/ Parents,sex,young adults & christianity?
Hello! This is Rachelle. (: I am 19 years old. I am a confident and happy person in general. I am the firstborn daughter of my family, I have one sister and a mom and dad. I have grown up being a Christian all my life with a happy conservative family. I have a boyfriend named Daniel who is also 19 years old. We have been happily together for two years. We both have jobs and both live with our parents. He is someone I am very much in love with and want to marry someday. We want the same things out of life, and our views line up with eachother. We have genuine respect for eachother. Our chemistry is perfect. He completes me more than any man I have ever been with. He is a stong Christian believer too, he's very gentle and sweet. We have no intentions in breaking up any time soon. He proved his love for me by giving me a promise ring. His parents are not very religious, but mine are very conservative and religious. In my current family situation, my parents are in the process of getting a divorce. His parents are planning to divorce sometime this year as well. Well now that you know a little about our background, here's the situation: My boyfriend and I lost our parents trust in us because we had sex in my sister's car last night, and they found out... We have had very safe and protected sex for a very long time up until now, we didn't feel pressured to the first time and I felt ready. This is not the first time they had found out either. Because my mother is very religious, she expects/wants my sister and I to be virgins until we are married. We are not by any means allowed to have sex with our boyfriends while I am still living under her roof. Her and I had had a very long talk. Since she's my mom, I have to respect and follow her wishes no matter what it is, whether I'm over 18, or not. She told his mom and both our parents are very disappointed in us. I'm not allowed to come over to his house anymore. I feel like crap for losing their trust...I feel terrible and it was mine/his fault...I'm very sad because God is looking down at me being disappointed in me for not waiting until marriage, (like it says in the bible), my mom and sister are disappointed in me, his mom is disappointed in both of us and it's just going to take a very long time to build up that trust again. In the meantime, all I ask is for some advice or help, to soften all of this hurt and shame inside of me...I already asked for God's forgiveness, but this pain will not cease to go away anytime soon. I feel like a hypocrite for going to church and praising God, when the next night we end up shacking up. I feel like giving up on being a Christian because my mother made me feel so ashamed and stupid...I feel like I have lost their blessing for my wedding day, or just point-blank, lost their blessing in general... Daniel and I agreed to stop having sex and are taking a week to be away from eachother to heal individually and emotionally. Not necessarily taking a break, just not see eachother. I need to heal and all I ask for is some very needed guidance through all this...again, we have no intentions of breaking up any time soon and want to build our parents' trust again by gaining self-control in our relationship, and strength with prayer. We have good intentions, we just made a mistake... I am not sure if I could gain their blessing back, but if it were possible that would be a day I would never forget and would make me happy and alive on my wedding day someday.
Thanks, God bless and have a great day. ~Rachelle
Eclectic Heretic2013-02-21T11:32:50Z
Favorite Answer
Rachelle, my dear, you have a problem, yes. But it's like this. You and Daniel are both 19, you both have jobs. Move out, live alone or with Daniel, you are old enough to live your own lives. If your parents truly love you, they will get over it. And, if you are familiar with "Fireball", who is a regular figure on here, a hard-core Trinitarian Methodist, she once said that when you're committed to each other, once you have sex you are considered married in the eyes of God. I tend to agree with her. If your relationship with God is troubled, remember this. God will forgive, always forgive, it is God's nature. But in order to feel that forgiveness, you must forgive YOURSELF. Guilt is a destroyer, it will eat you alive, forgiveness is the only antidote and forgiving yourself is the biggest part of that. You are fine in God's eyes, tell your parent you are sorry they are disappointed but then leave it at that. Their disappointment IS their problem, not yours. OK, when I was a counselor to other inmates in prison, I had one hardcore inmate tell me I was a "cold-blooded son of a bytch" because of what I told him. But he came back two days later, handed me a pack of cigarettes, and told me, "I still think you're a cold-blooded sob, but you were right, too". I call em as I see em and by me, you are just fine as you are. And according to my churchgoing understanding of God, you are fine with God. Go in peace and my blessings to you and to Daniel. Blessings on your Journey!
Its human nature to desire intimacy with our significant other, but if you are trying to be chaste until marriage, then you have been going about it all wrong. First of all, to date while not yet ready for marriage, is only asking fro trouble. Its like being on a diet and just walking into a bakery, chances are, you will break your diet. Better to not go into a bakery until you are off your diet and then able to deal with the consequences of eating rouge food. I understand what you are sad about, you are right, it is hypocritical to go to church and claim to be Christian, and then break God's very clear law on fornication, but honestly, your parents should take some of the blame too. I mean it is their house and their rules, they should not have allowed you to date before you were ready to marry,or at least should have insisted on good chaperones for you while you did. You and he did commit a sin against God, the world will minimize it, but the Bible is clear, yet the fact that you have committed such a sin is not the end of the road. You need to express genuine repentance to God first in prayer, and then you and your boyfriend need to be determined to not do it again until after you marry if that is your plan, and then you need to consider not dating until you are ready for marriage, then if you do, have good chaperones and stay in public places and refuse to be alone together so you are not tempted. There is excellent advice for young people from the Bible in a publication that I recommend that you read that can be found online at www.jw.org its in the publications tab and its should be under "books" excellent advice for dating and staying chaste and getting you parents trust, etc etc. The book is called questions young people ask, answers that work. There is volume one and two, one is the one that probably will help more. I hope that you find peace, and though you made a mistake, I respect your attitude and determination and hope that you get this turned around and find inner peace. You can contact me via email or message if you need more help :o)
You're a human being and naturally prone to "sin" of any nature.Theres nothing you can do to avoid it.We're skeptically born to do just that.Lust is one of those so called "sins" I think you need to just keep your cool and understand that all this stuff is too much for a guy to handle all at once.You'll figure it out eventually and you shouldn't be stressed out about it.if that helped i dont know it might have a little bit but i dont know it all sound like that beginning of your spiritual journey.Anything can be the cause of it weither it be you questioning the morality of your sexual life or just something as simple as a break up.Mine started when i first fell in love,but acknowledge that you both recognized that you were doing "wrong" and put a stop to it,That's all a person can really do.It's not like anyone can take back their virginity once its gone.If you still feel guilty with it talk to daniel about it and talk to your god about it too.Whenever something like that had happened and made me feel guilty i just reminded myself that I'm below my deity for a reason.
Rachelle, I am confused a bit here. You say that you want to regain self-control in your relationship with your parents, but you do not intend to stop having sex with your boyfriend? Playing with fire only leads to you getting burned, continually. Every time that you have sex you become one flesh, united. It is more than just the physical aspect of it, it involves your spiritual nature as well. This uniting is intended to only be done in Marriage. So you are not being obedient to God in your behavior. This in turn causes stress in you and in your relationship with God. I have doubts about your "good intentions." You need to be honest with yourselves, you have been screwing around on a regular basis. Nothing about this is remotely acceptable behavior in God's eyes. What did Jesus say to that young woman who had been accused of adultery? "Go, and sin no more." He did not accuse her, nor did He threaten to stone her to death. But He did tell her to stop having sex outside of marriage. That is the reality of your current situation, irregardless of how much safe sex practices the two of you employ.
Why not simply get married now? It would put an end to sneaking around to have sex, you both would be committed to one another in marriage, and you could relax.
Your parent's have a divorce pending, and yet you claim your family is a happy one? Really? Something is not quite right in your parent's spiritual walk with Christ, otherwise they would not be getting a divorce.
Put God first in your heart, above your parents, above your boyfriend, above your job. Focus upon Him and read your bible daily. Read the Gospels and then read I John. Pay attention to all of the words that Christ speaks in those four accounts of His earthly ministry. Emulate Him, mimic Him, treat your parents like each of them actually is Jesus Christ. Your attitude and behavior just might begin to change for the better. Good luck, grace and peace be with you.
The reason that God tells us not to do certain things is not because He is out to ruin our good time.
Really.
The reason God tells us not to do certain things is because not doing them is the best way for our hearts and our minds and our spirits to stay as close to Him as possible.
In situations like yours, it is really really tempting to think that we know better than God and go ahead and do something He tells us not to do. You and your boyfriend were not the first (Adam and Eve were), nor will you be the last to ever think this. Your parents are currently thinking it, actually, as they are in the process of separating what God joined together (their marriage). There is no scriptural basis for their divorce unless one has been cheating on the other, or one is abusive to the other and refuses to get help.
The good news is, God forgives anyone who is sincerely sorry for his or her sin. He will forgive your mom and dad (who I hope will cancel their divorce plans and get down to working on their marriage) and He will forgive you.
There is an excellent book called Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity: