Critique For My Story? Detailed Answers Please?
Running through a rough draft I found a passage that I really didn't like but it still gets the point across. Can someone critique this, give any ideas on how to make it better. I think the dialogue seems forced and I don't know how to rephrase it.
"Have you heard from Josephine lately?" She asked within one of his pauses.
"No, I'm afraid not. She seldom writes to me." He looked out the window, and then turned back toward Ardellia, "She must be enjoying France." He chuckled under his breath.
"Send my best to her the next time you write."
"She seemed so frail the last time I saw her. I do hope the French air will do her good."
"She is fine, and will be fine. You paint her as a child."
"I still think of her as one." He admitted "She was running around in the grass only two years ago, and driving her nanny to tears. Do you remember her, Catherine was her name?"
"Yes, why?" Answered Ardellia after a few moments. She eyed him curiously.
"I was only wondering what became of her."
The Mr. and Mrs. Harrison Cleureleis and their daughter Catherine had been with the Van Der Argéns family for years, but the Countess was hardly familiar with even their names. Ten months into the former Ardellia Granham's marriage into the family, the mother and daughter disapeared.
"I remember rumours that they had been seen in several other counties. "
"Following in Slater' s footsteps no doubt... Harrison Cleuruleis was absolutely devastated."
"As would any man be, losing wife and child simultaneously."
"He refused to think that they simply left Sophia and Catherine, he was driven mad with the thought." "No, I did not. What became of him Edmund? I haven't seen anything of him recently."
"I recall that he ended his service two or three years ago."
"Oh?"
"Yes, apparently he was to be remarried."
"At that age? To whom?"
"I didn't ask."
My main concern is the housekeeper side story, I really want a better way to introduce it. I'm worried that it may be too much of an information dump on the reader. But, I can't for the life of me come up with something more subtle.
What can you tell about these characters from reading this?
I don't need any rude remarks by the way.
I follow with the tag capitalization criticism and it is mainly to do with my lap top's word processer, it caps every letter after any sort of punctuation. Again this is a rough draft so it doesn't really matter, my concern is not the grammar it is just the phrasing, wording, way of saying what I have already said in the above passage. I am not really focused on giving each character a specific voice here either. I just don't know how to introduce this subject. Any sort of idea is welcome.