Did I orgasm? I'm not sure.?
I'm going to give you the full story so you can better understand it.
If I did, it was pretty underwhelming. I'm 19 years old, and my boyfriend and I (now separated for the summer) have been together about three months. Though I've had one boyfriend before him (who I did nothing with, not even kissing), he's probably the first guy I've ever been physically and sexually attracted to. I thought I was asexual for the longest time because I never felt the need to go out and bang something in my hormone-raging teen years. I wasn't interested in sex, and I certainly never felt like I had to masturbate. And behold, second semester of my freshman year in college I meet my current boyfriend of 3 1/2 months, who I love and plan on marrying in the future (it's ok; he is too). Before him, I was a virgin and had tried touching myself once or twice to no avail.
As of today, albeit a short break in between, we've had sex 12 times. I haven't climaxed once or even come remotely close. Sometimes, I can't even tell the difference between the condoms we use. We do foreplay, but I guess he doesn't give it enough time, and I partly blame me for not knowing my own body. He's only had one sexual partner before me, and she was his girlfriend of 9 months (he was her fourth partner), and they were sexually active after their first week together. So granted he's had lots of practice; it took him 15 tries to get her off, though after he figured her out she never had trouble orgasming even though he does ejaculate a little prematurely. And I do have trouble, so it's a little disheartening, and I'm finding myself jealous of every woman (including his ex because she got to share it with him) who's been able to climax. It's something I don't want to miss out on. Yes, I've tried cowgirl a few times, but it doesn't necessarily feel fantastic. It's still super awkward trying to find out what feels good, and if you don't know what does, how are you supposed to learn? We've done doggy too but have failed because both times really hurt me. I was left thinking that maybe I couldn't have an orgasm.
So finally, I sucked it up. I tried touching myself. Because it's super hard to get me into the mood, and I don't get any symptoms of female arousal other than getting wet (cementing my idea of being asexual but wanting romantic attachments), I didn't use my fingers. It just doesn't work. I picked up my finger vibrator that I had bought a few weeks back and gave it a go, kind of forcing myself to feel good because I wasn't very aroused. I put some music on in the background and relaxed. I teased myself first before putting it on the clitoris. It felt damn good so I guess my pleasure receptors aren't completely dead. It only took a couple minutes from that point to bring me to what I THINK was an orgasm. My body tightened, my breathing got heavier, my leg muscles twitched, and I felt heat pooling and spreading to my chest. Then I got a head rush that made my head buzz and I relaxed. That was it. It only lasted a few seconds. Then I was confused. Was this an orgasm? It's very underwhelming if it was. I didn't feel the need to scream out and moan, I didn't get any pulsating or spasms that left me shaky or blissful and unable to stand up. It wasn't very earth-moving or the incredible experience every girl has made it out to be. It left me feeling nice, but it didn't last so I'm guessing it was a small one. Did I have an orgasm? I'm kind of let down. Another thing I'm worried about is becoming dependent on a vibrator to get me off. I want to figure out how to do it with my boyfriend or with my own hands. Any help is appreciated.