How can I resolve guilt for something I can't confess?
2014-09-14T19:04:59Z
Mostly before and a little after I was married 13 years ago, I cheated on my husband with multiple partners due to undiagnosed bipolar mania. He does not know about it. I have such extreme guilt over it but can't confess it to him because it would rip our family apart, and it has nothing to do with who I am today. Still, I can't stop thinking about it and am terrified I'll blurt it out. I can't apologize to him, so how do I resolve this? I've asked God for forgiveness but I still have guilt.
Anonymous2014-09-14T22:07:12Z
I agree on both sides of this with mostly everybody that has responded already (some I agree with more than others, and some are just plain rude and don't understand, and for that I apologize because you shouldn't be judged on your past, especially since you weren't fully in control of your actions at the time).
However, while I understand that telling your husband about this, even though it's 13 years later and it could potentially seem suspicious, I still think you should tell him. I also suggest, that you do it with a therapist (marriage counselor) present to make sure things go smoothly. Start off by saying it was before the diagnosis and treatment, and remind him that you weren't very stable back then. Mention how much you've changed, how the treatment has helped you, and how much better you've been doing. And then tell him that before the diagnosis, and treatment, and before you started doing better, you were doing really bad. And that you weren't in control of yourself, and that you did something bad. And then tell him. If he loves you, it will work out, and if you get through this, your family will be strong. And if you don't, maybe it's for the best. But I truly believe that if you both truly love each other you can make it through this. He may get upset, but he should understand the situation, and he should respect the fact that you were brave enough to tell him.
Just a couple of thoughts since you have so many good and crazy answers.
1. Confessing to him would not only tear your marriage apart, it would be devastating to your husband. He would probably leave you. I learned about an affair after the fact (not anything near 13 years) and you spend months going over things, wondering what was a lie. He would probably never trust you again, as he would think your life together has been a lie.
2. You can confess to God, but he second part of that is accepting God's forgiveness. The latter is the more difficult. See your pastor, but the Bible is explicitly clear that whoever confesses and believes is forgiven.
3. Telling your husband now would be an act of utter, complete selfishness - attempting to assuage your own guilt at his expense. And, you will get the opposite of the absolution you seek.
I think you should seek out either a professional or a clergyman (if you're religious) and CONFESS to them. Confession really does Relieve a lot of personal conflict and guilt to get it off your chest and have some feed back or perspective from an unbiased 2nd person. Then you have to forgive yourself as well and let it go. You are making it even worse by dwelling on it and allowing the guilt to eat you up inside. THAT alone can damage your marriage/relationship even if HE doesn't even know. IF as you say this occurred when you were NOT yourself and there is honestly medical/mental reasons that put you there - THEN your guilt if pointless and unfounded. YOU have to resolve this within yourself somehow (professional).
Hello Sweetheart, this is a tricky situation. On the one hand, the guilty conscience of not telling him could drive you insane. On the other hand, you'll have to weigh the benefits of telling him. Whether such a piece of remarkable news would help to rebuild your relationship, or destroy it entirely.
If more than 13yrs have elapsed without you telling him, then there's a possibility that he could react badly to the revelation, and all the love and trust you've built over the years could be eroded in the blink of an eye. The pain of being cuckolded and the truth hidden from you for so long would hurt a man more than anything else. His ego would be badly bruised, and his anguish could be unimaginable. Your heart would bleed to see the one you love go through that kind of suffering. Its not a pretty sight!
On the plus side, your conscience would be free if he chooses to forgive you and carry on as usual. On the negative side, he might not love or trust you again, and your relationship would be as good as dead. Either way, there's a huge price to pay for each option. But if your husband is a believer, he might learn to forgive you over time.
Good luck in your quest to get out of this tricky situation!
Bipolar mania that made you cheat? And more so prior to marriage than after? I am no expert but I have never heard of such a thing. I've heard of people being sex addicts but you aren't saying this is what your problem is. Could it be that you weren't ready and did some sampling before and after you married?
I say, live with your guilt. DO NOT burden him with this at all just to make yourself feel better. Live in fear that one day, he will find out.