Hello we have been married for 4 months. Today I got call to my mom telling me my dad was in the hospital and was really sick. So me my husband drove with her and we're at the hospital a lot and went her on errands. My husband mom and him made plans to hang out. I was upset because I told him I wanted him to be there to support me and just be there for me. His excuse was he doesn't like hospitals. He invited me to go out with his family, but I didn't want to. He left with his family I was upset. I have set up in the hospital with him when he was sick early in the morning and all day. I would do the same for his family & he could see I was hurt. I thought he would be there for me & he wasn't it hurt so bad. He could have canceled the dinner. Plus the dinner was kind of unsure planned. We have been having rough patches lately, but been getting through them. My father is still in the hospital. I'm confused why my husband wasn't there for me and couldn't understand. It really hurt my feelings and he just sat there with the same look on his face. Please I don't understand. My father and he aren't as close as they used to be, it hurt when family asked where he went? Why he left?
Starfish2015-02-20T21:17:03Z
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Sorry things are tough for you right now.
You're understandably emotional. He may not even really get how upset you are.
He told you he hates hospitals. Sounds lame, but some things can really make a person's skin crawl.
Because your "position" sounds perfectly logical and you appear "in the right", you may decide to react accordingly.
As in "he left me when my dad is sick"....so, now I'm going to explode, question the marriage, question his love for me, etc.
But...you COULD also just let it go.
Marriage is a long road, and this is very early in yours. Pick and choose your battles, and the way you engage those battles, very carefully.
Men are not raised to be comfortable with emotions. Some men seem to be able to handle them, but the majority .. no. This is why, as a woman, we have to be emotionally whole and complete and NOT need our guy to hold us up. Men try, but often just can't "do" the emotional support stuff. No one is perfect. We all have to decide if we can accept our spouse, imperfections and all .. and if we decide that the good is worth the imperfections, then we let go of getting upset about the imperfections and just accept and love our spouse as they are. We either accept or we risk losing the relationship.
Rather than dwell on how he "let you down", focus on your own need to develop more emotional self-sufficiency and inner strength. And on compassion for your husband's imperfections. Fear of hospitals perhaps, fear of emotions perhaps. Doesn't matter. He is not here on Earth to be YOUR perfect angel, and love is accepting another as they are.
Sure YOU would do things differently .. but he isn't you. He is himself and that is the only person he can be. The mature person, the whole person, takes emotional responsibility for the cognitive self-statements they feed themselves .. because THIS is what creates our feelings, our hurt, our embarrassment, our disappointment. And if you don't monitor the "lines" you are telling yourself, you can work yourself up into a snit and wreck your marriage.
btw, I hope your father recovers quickly and completely. Yes, it is no easy time when someone we love is in the hospital .... but we all have to be strong enough to face what life gives us. Besides, as females, we are likely to end up widowed and having to face life on our own. Might as well start practicing how to be whole. And how to be empathetic.
He may have a phobia of hospitals. He may have felt he would be out of place there. There could be any number of reasons why he felt he couldn't be there. But you need to ask him about it without anger and without accusing him.
As an example, my father in law was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and asked that I visit him. I chose not to because lung cancer is terrifying to me for reasons I won't go into here, and I felt I could not visit without compromising my own wellbeing.
Fortunately my husband spoke to me about it and understands. I did not visit my father in law before he died. But I did support my husband in any way I could during the few weeks between his diagnosis and his passing.
You can't know what is going on with him unless you talk it out.