Zzzzz or Star??

The Christmas Party - not far from reality -

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 1

RE: Annual Office Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take

place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room

at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing

along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however,no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 2

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish

employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which

often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same

policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or

those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no

Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.We will have other

types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm

happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table

that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union

members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe

$10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins

the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking

during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can

appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate

our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off

on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package

every- thing for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy.

Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. However, to the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short

people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot

control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with

high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as

dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"

desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F**king Employees

DATE: December 10

RE: The F**king Holiday Party

Vegetarians!! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this

party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit

quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so

quaintly put it, and you'll get your f**king salad bar, including

organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They

scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them

scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk

and die, you hear me?

The **** from HELL!

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Katie