please read and tell me what you think so far?

Wow that was an exciting read. I actually felt as though I was able to feel exactly what that poor girl was experiencing. Nice work on applying detail as well as mood.

In order to help with your clip, I thought I'd edit a bit for your benefit.

Don't forget that when you're writing a story, you need to break it up into appropriate paragraphs whenever a new idea is introduced, or when dialogue is used. Without it, the reader may become overwhelmed or too intimidated to even begin at the first word.

Also, I would try experimenting a bit more with sentence structure. You're definitely on the right track : ]

As for your character, Carly, I really found her interesting. Although i'll give you an important tip on characterization. Dramatic characters tend to make the novel much more exciting and just...all around better. So make Carly's personality even more unique. I tried showing that through my editing by making her personality a bit more blunt and observant.

If you find yourself to be stuck on a character, try writing a small biography about them to help you get to know them better.

Loved it!

::Through a tiny rip in the faded, regal stage curtains, I peeked out at the dimly lit audience, taking immediate notice of their large numbers. Starved men, thick and thin, bald, graying or covered by cowboy hats, crowded the stage, eyeing their announcer with obvious annoyance and impatience. I took in a nervous gasp of air, hoping to calm my pounding heart, as well as my reddening, clammy face, and watched as my hands shook with fear while I attempted to wipe away my forehead's impressive collection of sweat beads.

I waited nervously behind the side curtain, grateful for its concealing properties. I was safe for now, out of sight from the gathered army of drooling and perverse dogs.

(i)Only two short songs…I can definitely do this,(/i) I thought halfheartedly to myself, attempting to bring the slaughtered confidence in my personality back to life.

(i)For Christ sake they have nude ballets in New York! It’s just another form of art…(/i)

I had just about reached the point of a successful convincing when suddenly it began…

"YOU THERE! Yea you… Oh do we have a TREAT for you TONIGHT!"

Someone whistled loudly, while a few handfuls of others responded with excited claps, hollers and shouted yea's.

I shuddered as I felt my confidence dissolve in seconds.

"Gentlemen! All the way from…err Catalina Island, California, auditioning for us in just a few moments…Let's show Carly some of our handsome, southern hospitality!"

The crowd crowed even more loudly. My stomach burned, and my pounding heart rose to my pale neck.

(i)Did he really just say Catalina Island, California?(/i) I glanced down at my trimmed, though certainly tanless legs. (i)Damnit…What was this guy playing at?(/i)

“All right fella‘s…y'all settle down a bit. Carly's a little shy so lets not scare her away." He paused for a moment while the crowd quieted down a bit, then he slowly turned his chiseled face and met with my widened blue eyes, while the microphone gradually met with his lips. "But ohh man…I’m telling you,” he let out soft laugh as his eyes rudely grazed over my body, “I’m looking at her right now, and trust me when I say her legs go on for MILES!"

At that moment, I could've sworn I heard them all barking.

"I bring you CARLY!”

My eyes blinked and went into immediate focus as the summoning rang wildly through my ears. Strangely, I felt my legs carry me weightlessly forward. Before stepping out into the blinding spotlights, I glanced back over at the stage master and watched as he inserted my scratched CD mix to the player. His soft green eyes soon after met with mine, and I watched as he lipped a possible (i)'Don't worry, it's okay'.(/i) Or was it a (i)'Don't got all day'(/i)…? Eventually he waved me eagerly onto the stage.

It was as if the hot spotlight added on another ten heavy pounds - not something I wanted to experience in the six-inch stilettos I was forced to wear for the night. Even though I was naturally skilled the art of moving gracefully, my legs seemed incredibly weak and wobbly. Nonetheless I continued on, cursing under my dry breath. Once I reached the center, I took my starting position, ignoring the gross comments that were constantly thrown at me by the overjoyed men.

(i)Damnit…here goes nothing,(/i) I thought, and took in a deep breath of the stale, cigarette littered air.

Key:

(i) - Italicize. (I would suggest italicizing whenever Carly is speaking in her mind)

(/i) - end Italicize.

Good luck,

I'd be glad to help you more or provide you with more tips if you'd like. Just send me a message!

Rachel

In the beginning you say "flushing my skin red" when describing color you usually want to use a different word for it because there are so many. Picking the right one also helps describe the color even better. So maybe instead, "flushing my skin crimson" The description of the nerves is really good!

When you say, "that waited for the newcomer..." If the person you are describing is the newcomer you should let the reader know this. As one of my english teacher said, people always write things like "and she walked into the house smiling." So this would obviously make sense to the writer but if you really look at it, it could be the house was what was smiling, not the girl so this means you really have to write details so your reader knows exactly who and what you're talking about. so if the person you are describing is the newcomer, write something such as "that waited for me, the newcomer."

Your description is very good in some places though like "running barefoot through the sand" It makes me thinking of the opposite of what you're trying to portray. Running through the sand is pretty difficult, even barefoot because you sometimes sink in areas so make the description based on something like flat land that's very easy to walk on because there's nothing to trip over. I love the way you portray the scene, you can really tell exactly the way this girl feels, put some description of the scent, it seems like it's a pretty smoke filled place, adding ever detail smell, touch, scent and what you hear really helps make the reader feel they're in the scene. It's really good though, a little more tweaking and it will be even more amazing!!!

A married lady was expecting a birthday gift from her husband. For many months she had admired a beautiful diamond ring in a showroom, and knowing her husband could afford it, she told him that was all she wanted. As her birthday approached, this lady awaited signs that her husband had purchased the diamond ring. Finally, on the morning of her birthday, her husband called her into his study. Her husband told her how proud he was to have such a good wife, and told her how much he loved her.. He handed her a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, the wife opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the wife's name embossed in gold. Angrily, she raised her voice to her husband and said, 'With all your money you give me a Bible?' And stormed out of the house, leaving her husband. Many years passed and the lady was very successful in business. She managed to settle for a more beautiful house and a wonderful family, but realized her ex-husband was very old, and thought perhaps she should go to visit him. She had not seen him for many years. But before she could make arrangements, she received a telegram telling her that her ex-husband had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to her. She needed to come back immediately and take care of things. When she arrived at her ex-husband's house, sudden sadness and regret filled her heart. She began to search through her ex-husband's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as she had left it years before. With tears, she opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. Her ex-husband had carefully underlined a verse, Matt 7:11, 'And if you, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly Father, who is in heaven, give what is good to those who ask Him?' As she read those words, a tiny package dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a diamond ring, with her name engraved on it -- the same diamond ring which she saw at the showroom. On the tag was the date of her birth, and the words. 'LUV U ALWAYS'. How many times do we miss God's blessings, because they are not packaged as we expected? Do not spoil what you have, by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. IF YOUR GIFT IS NOT PACKAGED THE WAY YOU WANT IT, IT'S BECAUSE IT IS BETTER PACKAGED THE WAY IT IS. ALWAYS APPRECIATE LITTLE THINGS; THEY USUALLY LEAD YOU TO BIGGER & BETTER THINGS. ''The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.''

Nice work, when is the next installment?

This comment is purely subjective but, I think it would sound better if it was in present tense rather than past i.e. I look out at the grueling line of hungry men ...

good thoughts! I like it.

But it seems more like the beginning of Chapter One, not a preface at all.

pretty good not much of a story line though

Very good!

I hope you manage to complete this.

i really like this, good job

good luck with the writing

It's really good, nice work!

It sounds pretty good so far.