How do I tell my alcoholic boyfriend an ultimatum after the new year?

Look, I used to be that person. There was a point in my life where things from my past etc. were bothering me so bad that my only "hope" was to get drunk everynight in hopes of escaping reality. I met my current bf during all this. At first, he didn't know what to think of me -on one hand I was fun, and I worked hard, and I paid bills for him, and I watched football and did everything the guys did. And then on the other hand, I could turn into a monster really fast.

I understand your urgency, because I think that finally hit him too. But there was one factor that probably saved me and saved my relationship -and that was the fact that I wanted to quit, but I just needed a little help. Controlling alcoholism isn't easy, because a lot of people don't understand that it isn't just an addiction -it's a disease that you live with. A disease that can make you physically ill, emotional, and it's not that he's bi-polar (even though it probably seems that way) it's that the "come down" will effect him differently everytime.

The point is, in order for you to be happy, you realize that you don't want to be with a drunk. But the ultimatum is something that he can't reach just because you tell him "this is it". It's better you don't give one at all than to make him think "If I quit, then she'll be with me" because that will only work for so long. You can't tell someone "I'll reconsider if you go to AA" because yeah, they can go to AA but AA isn't magic and one or two meetings isn't going to stop his drinking. Better to just walk away and tell him why. Just tell him you don't want to be with someone who can't be sober, that his behaviour and drinking are out of control and you don't have to handle it anymore. That's what mine said to me, but I was already on that "wagon", he just needed to give me a boost to keep me on it. But I promise you, saying that to him WILL make a difference, even if it's somewhere down the road because all alcoholics go through this "realization" that their drinking has destroyed different areas in their life at one time or another -their job, their money, their relationships, their freedom, their health, and so on. And when they start thinking about how alcohol has caused them to lose this or that, it's usually when they decide that they want to change. Good Luck and if you need any more advice from someone who's been there -you can send me a message.

Tell him that you care about him but if he cares the same way about you that he needs to get some help and you need time to yourself to get your thoughts in order. Tell him this has worn you out and you just can't take one more day. Tell him that you will take no calls from him that mention getting back together or begging in any way. You have to set some boundaries with this guy. He may very well be bi-polar but lots of doctors won't even diagnose someone with an alcohol problem until they have been clean for a period of time. Self-medication is an indication something may be wrong and it's turned into a huge problem and may be an addiction now. Who knows. Maybe when he is really drunk and messed up you can talk him into going into detox. Addicts are very manipulative. Stand up for whatever you have to do. He seems to be the controlling one so don't you think for a minute about appearing to be a controlling B. Good luck! Happy New Years...

an alcoholic should be no where near a relationship!!! If he cant figure his own sh*t out how is he suppose to figure a relationship out? Now if you love him i wouldn't say you should leave him, but if he doesn't agree to start going to some kind of counseling(AA or something else) than i would definitely leave him! Your luck you never married him like this. You need to think about your future. How would he deal with a family? Is he able to hold a job? I'm answering this question because i know first hand about this my husband is an alcoholic we don't drink at all now and we are happy. Good luck with everything!

I'm a former alcoholic, ten years sober, went to AA for several years--just so you know where I'm coming from.

My advice is to break up with him and tell him to give you a shout when he's been sober for a year. Don't tell him how to go about it, and especially do not order him to go to AA. AA does NOT get people sober (statistically it has no better success rate than for people who quit on their own) and the group dynamics are anything but healthy.

If he comes back in a year and has been off the sauce then you reconsider. But don't wait for him! Move on with your life.

Meanwhile, so what if he's relentless about trying to get you back? You're a big girl. Ignore him and if he gets out of hand, call the police.

I don't agree with anyone not being able to change, we can all change with the right help and support...and I do mean everyone, drinking is just an addiction as, say porn.

The guy needs to make an effort to go to the AA and has to keep it up, you need to tell him if he doesn't keep it up then you will leave. Tell him how unhappy you are and you can't cope. If your living with him, i'd move out to give him time to sort himself out, but reassure him your not leaving him for now.

All you can do is give him time, if you feel you no longer love him, then you need to make a break now. In some ways is better to do it now as he has a fresh year to work on.

Emotional blackmail is still abuse so you shouldn't be putting up with it!

P.S as someone said above about the AA is right, they also need to get counselling, the AA just keep them off the drink.

Well, if you have no problem living without him if he doesn't change, tell him that. If he gets mad and says the same to you, then buh-bye. You don't need that in your life. Tell him how much you love (or like) him and that you love being with him but you think that the alcohol is getting in the way. Then say that if he wants to be with you, he's going to have to make a change. If he doesn't want to make a change, don't take his calls, don't call him, break off all contact-it's the only way!

He is't gonna change unless he hits rock bottom!! a person i heard about and she was a acholic and she went to the city and got beaten up and then she relised she had to do something about it and went to AA!! but please please leave this guy if he loves you so much leave him because this is't worth!! it makes me sad to read this because you dont deserve this!! leave and start 2009 a fresh start!!

happy new year hun and good luck!!

As long as you keep enabling and letting him back, it won't cease. He has you trained. Break the cycle, tell it to him straight and get on with your life.

he will not change , especially not if he goes to AA , they dont work on changing ppl they just work on redirecting their way of dealing with their issues to something other than alcohol . he will remain bitter and messed up til he seeks some professional help.

tell him when he's sober; really sober so that it sticks. then say that until he goes and gets help and is totally over his alcoholism that you're done with him. your not going back. dont answer his calls/texts, etc. make sure he knows that you mean it.