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? asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

please read and tell me what you think?

Carefully I walked towards the car, my friends behind me cheering me on. I felt the adrenalin going through my body.

“Go john!” They all shouted around me. "Just do it!"

I looked at the car, frozen for a second. It was just parked there on its own, reflecting off the sun’s bright rays. It was a hot, Saturday afternoon, and no one was around, no one except for my friends all standing, waiting and watching curiously behind me as I stood there staring at the car, waiting for my next move. I held the metal bar tightly in my hands, as my palms started to sweat. And then quickly without stopping to think, I took a swing at the window.

CRACK!

Suddenly the alarm went off, blaring into the otherwise silent car park. I jumped, and turning quickly and just sprinted before anyone could see me. I just kept running, I didn't know why or where I was going, just that I felt as though I shouldn't stop, shouldn't turn around.

After what seemed hours, I caught up to my friends, they were all laughing hysterically. I guess they didn’t think that I would be able to do it. I was shocked myself, I’d never done anything like that in my life, and it felt so exhilarating. I knew it was wrong yet part of me wanted to go back and do it all again.

The streets were soon getting dark; some of us decided we should head home, while the others, I assume went around looking for trouble. I walked myself down the empty streets till I reached my drive way, I soon became so tired that I just wanted to go into my room and not come out until the next day. My parents’ cars were parked outside, so they must have been home early.

As I was walking up a light caught my eye. It was coming from the dining room window, which was slightly peculiar. We rarely ever use that room, usually just on special occasions. I looked around for other cars around the house. Were we expecting guests?

I opened the door and walked inside. The house was quiet, too quiet; I was beginning to feel nervous and confused. Had something bad happened?

“Mum, Dad?” I called out as I closed the door behind me

“We’re in here”, my mother replied.

I slowly walked towards the dining room; my heart was slightly beating faster than normal. Could someone just tell me what was going on.

“Why don’t you sit down John”, said my mother as she pointed to a chair directly in front of them. Why were they acting like this? Someone tell me what’s happening, I wanted to scream it just out.

“What’s going on guys?” I asked them. They both looked at me then looked at each other.

They had this look on their faces, one that I’ve never seen before.

It then instantly hit me, they’ve busted me. I’m dead; oh man what I am going to do? My heart started to beat rapidly I felt as if it was going to burst out of my chest. My palms were beginning to sweat, my face felt as if it was burning. I guess my parents saw all this as their faces changed to panic, well at least my mum’s did. She jumped up from her seat and took my face into her hands. Her hands felt like ice as she put them to my burning hot face.

She looked into my eyes and said, “Listen hunny, calm down were not going to report you to the police or anything, we just want to talk to you. Just relax”. That just made it worse I didn’t even think about the police. What if someone saw me and told the police, I'm going to have a record, they’re going to send me to a juvenile centre. At that stage I was beginning to freak out. My mother began to worry; she looked at my father and then told me, I could go up to my room if I wanted.

“We’ll talk about it in the morning”, she told me. I then realised that my father hadn’t said a word since I entered the house, I wanted to know what was going through his mind, what did he think of all this.

I ran up the stairs and into my bedroom, slamming the door shut behind me. Some of my posters on the wall had come off but I didn’t care. I sat there on my unmade made bed, holding my knees to my chest, staring into my wall. A million things were going through my mind. I could hear my phone ringing from somewhere in my bag, but I just ignored it. For the first time in my life I could actually admit to myself that I was scared, I was petrified.

I guess I had drifted off to sleep at some stage last night. The sunlight shining through my window, hitting my eyes had waked me up. I blinked a couple of times until my vision was back to normal. Then I blinked some more, I slapped my face a bit too, then close my eyes for a minute then opened them up again slowly.

WHERE AM I? I thought, panicking.

My bed was hard and very uncomfortable. It has this weird smell, so I hopped off it.

“Ouch!” I had fallen to the ground, flat on my face. I looked up. When did we get bunk beds? I thought. The ground was extremely hard; I had scraped my chin on it.

“Hey you, why you be on floor?” I looked towards where the voice was coming from. At the bars was a small, dark skinned boy. He stared at me, confused.

Update:

“Excuse me”, I answered.

“What you do there?” he asked as he walked to me and held out his hand. I took it, he helped me up. He still had that confused look on his face.

“My name Mario, you?” he asked.

“I'm John”, I replied. He was still holding my hand as this group of boys walked past. One stopped and pointed towards us.

“Look the ‘mouse’ found himself a play buddy”, he said as laughed. I instantly let go of Mario's hand but it was too late they had all turned and looked towards us. I could feel my face slightly burning as they all just stood there laughing at us. I looked at Mario, he didn’t seem bothered by any of this he just turned and sat on the bottom bunk. I was shocked, how was he taking all of this, how were we just letting them laugh at us? One of the boys stepped out of the group and began walking over to me; he was the biggest one there. He seemed to be the leader, as the others all went quiet as he walked over.

5 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    The plot is interesting. However, the narrative sounds as though you are trying a bit too hard. Good writing and descriptions should flow easily and appear natural, particularly when using first person narrative. For the dialogue to appear realistic, it should seem as though the main character is talking to the reader. Parts of the story sound stilted, for example: My bed was hard and very uncomfortable. It had this weird smell, so I hopped off it.

    We have no concept of the character's personality from the dialogue, no favourite words or language to show what region they came from. For your story, it is very important to establish this as the last paragraph shows that the main character has become the inmate of a prison and is obviously an important part of the story. How the character will survive prision will have a lot to do with his background and upbringing.

    I'm sure with some editing that you have the ability within you to make it flow better. Good luck.

  • ?
    Lv 4
    5 years ago

    Which is simpler to suppose: This man or woman is fairly psychic and all of technology is fallacious or that your mom gave this man or woman a few knowledge earlier? She will have been instructed by means of your mom that you simply have been coming and she or he will have performed a few study. She could also be very well a bloodless studying. You might be surprised at how a lot knowledge you gave her by means of your expressions while she stated special matters. As a amusing trick I memorized a record of ten matters that fortune tellers and palm readers say once they do a studying. EVERY time I have performed a ‘studying’ I have got no less than four hits. When requested approximately how good I did nearly every body tells me I bought part or extra proper. How might this be? These ten matters are real for almost every body and almost every body has no clue that what is correct approximately them is correct for approximately ninety nine.forty four% of every body else! Google “bloodless studying” and be surprised at how convenient it's to persuade folks, even rough center skeptical folks such as you that the not possible is honestly being performed! But, as you realize, technology will also be relied upon and folks who inform the longer term aren't fairly doing so and such a lot of them are aware of it!

  • 1 decade ago

    No sequence, no structure, no purpose.

    You can maybe see the scenery, but you havedescribed nothing to me other than the day was "hot". Hot like 70? Like 80? Like 120?

    It's all taking place in your head and there's nothing I can see to help me connect to this.

    Best of luck.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    i loved it

    it has an excellent twist to it

    i didn't want it to stop!

    it keeps readers wanting to know how he got into jail and what will happen to him :D you should continue writing

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Pretty good

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