Is this a good start to my story?

Question

I didn’t mean to do it but in his eyes that doesn’t matter.

	A beautiful, mature girl reflected in a large, ornate mirror. Many emotions played against her striking body. Hopeless was written in her electric blue eyes and an attitude that screamed “I don’t care.” showed in her posture. Worriedly she twisted her dark, brown, curly hair. A slight smile spread across her pale face, and even though it didn’t show her heart was hanging by a thread. In her mind a battle was raging inside.
	“Lee?”
	A new girl showed up in the mirror. This time confusion was played against her usual sunny face. The girl’s eyes were emerald green. Her long, wavy, red hair contrasted beautifully against her eyes. A few freckles were dotted against her face. She was noticeably taller by 2 inches.
	“Yes, Lilly?” said Lee
	“What’s wrong?” Lilly replied, wrapping her arms around Lee
	“Nothing”
	“Lee you promised me at…………….”
	“Yes but that was when………………..people were around.”
	“Why didn’t you just tell me there?! It was only Megan, Alice and……………………. Oh.”
	“Luke.” Lee said finishing Lilly’s sentence “Lilly, no it’s not …………….that.” she said walking away 
	“Then what is it?” Lilly said frustration blatten in her voice
	“Lilly……..no…I-I just …………”
	“What Natilee Marie Lestrange!”
	“I-I-I” Tears came streaming down Natilee’s face 
	“Oh Natilee, I didn’t mean to seem harsh.” Lilly said sitting down on a magnificent four poster bed “It’s just you’ve been really down ever since …….” Natilee glared at her “the incident.”
	Natilee lay down on the bed next to where Lilly sat. She starred up at the ceiling. Eyes wet with moisture she muttered “But Lils you’ve got to understand the situation. It’s getting…………so hard to…”
	“I know I know but can’t you just I don’t know tell him no.”Lilly breathed back
	“Lilly it’s not like that….It’s complicated.”
	“Then tell me.”Lilly moved closer to Lee” No one is going to hear you…You trust me. Right?
	Natilee didn’t answer instead she just looked around her bedroom.”Was she right? Can no one hear me?”She glanced up the corners of her walls expecting to find a tiny wire or a small disc like circle. There was nothing. She stared through her large, fancy bay window that looked out into the castle grounds. Not a soul was out. Not evens the deer that sometimes pranced through the forests or even the birds that nested high up into the maple trees. It seemed that even the fish that usually leaped out of the small lake by the evergreen forest were dead in their afternoon activities. Unsatisfied she ran to her Enormous, oak wardrobe and searched through all her extravagant clothing. Nothing. Sprinting to her Mirror dresser she frantically gazed through all of her expensive jewelry and decorative scarves and through whatever that was on top. Not a single cord or ear bud.
	As Natilee worriedly looked over all her things, Lilly tried to calm her down. She even tried to stop her by forcing her to sit down but Lee wasn’t content until all her belongings were inspected. “Tell no one of our last encounter or anything all the lines of this. Remember our eyes and ears are everywhere.” were the thoughts that raced through her mind.
	Suddenly Natilee stopped and collapsed on the checkered tile.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

EXTREMELY confusing!

Some girl with electric blue eyes and dark curly hair is looking in a mirror.  She calls out for Lee.  (Who's Lee?  A boy?  A girl?)

A green-eyed red-haired girl shows up in the mirror.  (Must be Lee.)

("Yes Lilly?")  Oh, OK, so the dark-haired girl is Lil-LEE.  Ahhh, so Lilly is the girl, and Lilly is her alter ego in the mirror.  (The names can't be a coincidence.)

Somehow Lily wraps her arms around Lee in the mirror.  (So I guess she's hugging herself?)

Then there's mention of Megan, Alice, and Luke.  (Who are they?  Beats me!  I'm still trying to figure out if Lilly is Lee.)

Lee finishes Lilly's sentence.  (If Lee is Lilly, wouldn't she just be continuing her own sentance?  I guess her voice must change mid-sentence.  Like Anna Faris in The House Bunny.)

Then there's some choppy dialogue, kinda confusing.  But eventually Lilly screams out "Natilee Marie Lestrange!"  So Lee must be Natilee, who is really Lilly.  (Whew!)

Then Natilee lays down on the bed, and Lilly lays next to her.  (Okay, so maybe Lee isn't Lilly... but Lee is Natilee.  I think.)

"It's complicated."  (Ain't that the truth!  There's how many more pages of this?)  (Suddenly the reader collapses on a checkered tile.)
_____________

I hope you don't take that as mean.  It's realy not meant to be.  I'm just trying to show what the reader is going through.  These characters may be very obvious and vivid to you, but the reader's head is spinning, and so they won't like it.  And even if your story gets really good, they will never get to that point.

If you ARE trying to make a character with a dual personality, the dual personalities need to be extremely different.  They definitely can't have similar sounding names.  Looks are not enough.  Readers go by names.

If they were actually 2 different people, eliminate the whole mirror thing.  It makes the reader THINK it is a dual personality story.

I think you have a good idea and you are certain of your story and characters.  But you need to be a lot more clear in your writing style.

There are some excellent books that will help you learn to write more clearly.  Go to a book store and look in the writer's books section.  Browse some of them.  Look for any "Writer's Digest" books, they are really good.

A great book to get is this one:
"The First Five Pages" by Noah Lukeman
http://www.amazon.com/First-Five-Pages-Writers-Rejection/dp/068485743X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242341443&sr=8-1

Also his book:
"The Plot Thickens: 8 Way To Bring Fiction To Life"
http://www.amazon.com/Plot-Thickens-Ways-Bring-Fiction/dp/0312309287/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242341501&sr=1-2

Both have real examples to help you write better, quickly.  The first one is absolutely invaluable, and will help you make things less confusing.

Good luck!

You certainly seem to have the drive, despite critiques, so I know you will do well.

♥!SooRandom!♥ · Answer

The speaking parts are a little fuzzy and confusing, especially with all the dots you have after everything.

You are one of the best writers I have seen on here, but you need to work on getting more detail in between speaking parts so that the reader can understand what is going on.

Other than that, by the time you finish this, you should publish it!

=)

Charlotte · Answer

First of all, don't start your story with a physical description of a character, especially one that goes on about how beautiful/handsome they are. 

Aside from that, it's amateurish. There are fragments and run-on sentences and punctuation errors that should be corrected. It was a bit confusing and didn't really hold my attention all that well. Sorry.

Anonymous · Answer

The dialogue was confusing, that's all and feel free to continue. We're just giving advice. Good Luck!

Janie · Answer

When the dialogue started I got lost.  It was very confusing.

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Is this a good start to my story?

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