I need advice on 19 yr old daughter situation.?

I think you need to listen to the 'logical mom' inside of you. Your daughter is an adult now and she has to learn responsibility. She wont ever learn that if you keep bailing her out. In fact, she probably wont learn it for many more years. I dont think anything you say or do is going to help her right now. She sounds stubborn and naive, like most 19 yr olds. Just let her live her life. If she truly needs you then be there for her, let her know you love her. If she becomes homeless and moves back in with you, you need to treat her like a tenant. Write up an agreement where she has to pay rent, no drinking or drugs, no friends after 9pm....if she breaks it then she gets kicked out. Remember treat her like an adult, maybe one day she will start acting like one. Good luck!

I think you need to gain some perspective here. She's nineteen, not twelve. Help her find a job, charge her low rent so she can save, and comfort her on her breakup, she'll be finding this much more difficult than you are. Tell her it's going to be ok, because it is. There'll be a way. She's young, yes, but still an adult... Capable of making her own decisions and clearly she's decided to keep her child. So bravo to her, it's a brave decision to make in circumstances such as hers. I had my son at twenty, he was unplanned but I made it work because I had to, I got a job and I worked twelve-hour nights whilst 8 months pregnant to pay for everything. Youth does not equal bad parenting. Has she asked you to take care of her child for her? If not, why did you just assume that that would be the arrangement she had in mind? If she's the partying type, is she aware that she'll have to give it all up? Just talk to her and get everything out in the open, tell her how you're willing to help so she's not expecting what you're unwilling to give. It's best to do this now. Set up some ground rules if the plan is to live with you, grandchild and all. Nobody knows your daughter better than you so advising you on what to do would be pointless.

I agree with misty s, she's an adult now let her figure it out, after all you have 2 others to worry about. and if she's living with you what she does reflects on you and if she brings anything illegal into the home, you can be held responsible as well, I'm not saying this to scare you or anything, i'm just telling you what my uncle said, and he's a cop, she's 19 now, she should have the know how to make it on her own, I did that when i was 16, and it was even harder then, I'm 24 now and have my bills paid every month, in fact in november we made our last payment on our computer, so yeah it will get better.

I run a homeless shelter and we get young girls in all the time that have NO structure in their lives. When they leave the shelter they are full of thanks because our rules have made them have some sort of discipline. We make them be in by a certain hour, we have zero tolerance for drug and alcohol use, and we require that they work and save their money. They leave with a better understanding of their lives and how important it is to be able to support themselves. So what I'm saying is I suggest let her go and figure it out on her own. There are shelters she can live in that will instill the same values mine does and hopefully she will turn her life around and learn to depend on herself and not you!

There's two things I can tell you that will help you deal with this game:

1. Every goal you scored you kicked yourself, that's why everytime she squirmed you rushed to make her happy and save her from discomfort, that's where she learnt that you will care more about her wellbeing than she does. That grew into codependency, where now if you don't rescue her she threatens you with wrecking her life.

So don't let her tap into your parental guilt, at her age it is she who is now the bad daughter, you are only biologically programmed to raise her to the point of reproduction and your maternal instinct should have kicked in and no doubt at 19 you would have 4 or 5 years of cutting the cord of separation, fights beginning when she became sexually active, but this has been conveniently confounded by having younger children to raise.

2. If I told you she secretly hates you, would you continue to rush to her rescue? No because you are experienced enough to know that when you do things for people who hate you they just resent you more and they don't appreciate your help when they feel entitled to it. What codependents do is rob you of your virtues - generosity becomes stupidity, because they are jealous of those virtues and don't want to put in the personal growth hard yards to achieve them, they want the most with the least amount of effort and if there's no remorse for the past and no indication of taking responsibility then any help you give will flow straight from you to her friends because that's what she is using your power for, to win approval from a bunch of people who will mean nothing in a year and wouldn't give her a postage stamp if she needed one.

So if you really love her and you really want her to have a happy and fulfilling life stop the denial that she is using you and your power to have an easy time and by all means be emotionally supportive, by all means listen and offer advice, but do do or give anything at your own expense, help her learn how to stand ona line for food vouchers, if necessary.

This scene is so predictable it goes like this - she falls pregnant to the smalltime local drug dealer and he wont let you see her because he has the power over her and you don't get to hold the baby until she breaks up with him and needs a babysitter, so she can go out and find another guy, who will treat you the same, this merry go round will go on for years until she stops blaming you, which is unlikely while you continue to rescue her.

If your going to keep giving in, then perhaps you could mentally arm yourself for the inevitable and plan the days of the week you will visit her, at her institution, tell her you are fitting it into your busy schedule and decide whether you want to take your other children with you, or seek out a person who will babysit them.

Hope this helps you wake up and help yourself, not just save her from the inevitable path she is hell bent on.

I AM SORRY TO SAY BUT LIKE MY PARENTS USE TO TELL ME THAT I MUST HAVE CRAP IN MY HEAD INSTEAD OF A BRAIN TO DO SO MANY DUMB THINGS! I WAS DOING THE SAME THING AS HER WHEN I WAS 16 AND I ALEAYS TOOK MY PARENTS FOR GRANTED BECUASE THEY ALWAYS BAILED ME OUT AND I NEVER LEARNED ANYTHING UNTILL I LEARNED IT THE HARD WAY. MY BF WOULD ALWAYS TRY TO BEAT ME UP AND THEN MY MOM BAILED ME OUT ONCE AGAIN. ALL I DID WHEN I CAME HOME WAS PARTY LIFE UP. SHE THEN GOT TIRED OFF IT AFTER TWO YEARS AND KICKED ME OUT. I HAS TO STAY WITH MY NEW BF ANG GOT PREGNANT. I DIDNT SPEAK TO MY MOM FOR MONTHS AND IN THE END SHE TOLD ME SHE COULDNT HELP ME AND IT WAS TIME TO GROW UP. I HAD TO PERMANENTLY STAY WITH MY BF. I SOON AFTER STARTED SCHOOL AGAIN AND STOPED GOING OUT AND WAS LEFT WITH ONLY A FEW FRIENDS OUT OF THE SP MANY I THOUGHT THAT WERE. AFTER NOT BEING HOME I REALIZED IT WAS ONLY ME MY SON AND BF. I NO LONGER GO OUT. I AM ACTUALLY HAPPY BUT I FEEL THAT IF MY MOM WOULD HAVE TAKEN ME BACK I WOULDNT EVEN BE TAKING CARE OF MY SON AND TRY TO FINNISH SCHOOL. I NEVER LEARNED ANYTHING ALL THOSE TIMES THEY BAILED ME OUT. LET HER LIFE RUN ITS OWN COURSE. SHELL APPRECIATE EVERYTHING ONE DAY. YOUR YOUNGER CHILDREN NEED YOU MORE. I'M NOW 20 AND I THANK MY MOM FOREVERYTHING BECUASE I WOULD BE DOIGG NOTHING WITH MY LIFE

Your definitely going to have to use tough love on this one, she needs a reality check and the only way she is going to get one is if you let her be

don't help her until she is helping herself.If she is getting her life together and doing what she needs to do to get on track then you should help her.But until then have her on her own because the only way she will learn is if you let her do things herself.

go with your gut