Opinions about a pitch for a fantasy novel?

I actively dislike the short one, which gives the strong impression that it's the murdering teacher she's falling in love with. I would not click on that story.

And I'm afraid with the person who said his instant reaction was "why the heck would they ask some kid to investigate for them?" I can imagine ways to retcon it, but the statement you have here is really, REALLY Mary Sue-ish and comes over as "she gets asked because that's what the plot says". "School" and "training" imply "inexperienced kid", no matter what your legal adulthood age is. I imagine there's a reason for him to ask _her_ in the plot...maybe you can hint at it here? Maybe by saying what she goes undercover as. If it's a maid or cleaner who would have access to their rooms, suddenly having an unthreatening-looking 17 year old do it makes a whole lot more sense.

Hope that helps.

Is there a way that you could use both Steve?

Your short pitch is good. As many users have pointed out, it reels the reader in. However, I think that you could then get away with then including your longer pitch underneath, as a follow on paragraph. This way, you've drawn the reader in and are immediately following it up with more detailed information.

Just a thought.

Edit: Sorry, did not realise, as I am not familiar with authornomy (at present there is no equivalent in Australia) or what is required for the pitch. In retrospect, I probably should have read your question a little more carefully as well. However, when reading your long pitch, I would like more detail about the killings that the character is going to investigate - what kind of ritual, why the police suspect a new teacher, and why Adramal is the logical person to investigate this crime and not another teacher or student. Obviously I do not wish to know everything before I get to read the actual novel, but I think more detail may help remove any suggestions that Adramal is a Mary-sue character.

The short pitch, I like. It really pulled me in. However, (and this may only vex ME because I'm quite the perfectionist) the way you wrote it out seems... awkward. It doesn't flow right in my mind. I'd suggest rewording it, but I'm not sure how well one could do so with only 25 words to work with. I don't know... You don't HAVE to change it, but I recommend at least fixing it up a bit.

Now the long pitch, I like as well, better than the short, to be exact. Honestly, I can't think of any way to improve it except maybe you could use more adjectives? Often times it grabs a reader more if they know a bit more about the characters, the setting, etc before they actually open the book.

All in all, I find this very interesting and would like to read your story once it's published. Very good work, my friend. :]

PS: My very close friend is, in fact, the nephew to Mr. Yahoo. ;]

Hi Stephen,

Late comment, I know but do you really want to upload your baby onto Authonomy?

I came off the site last year when it became apparent that it was a waste of time. Most people on the site are would-be authors intent only on clawing their way up the rankings in order to get a 'professional' critique from the publishers. Very few make it and it takes a lot of time and effort usually to get your baby shot to pieces by the pros.

It seems a good idea but there is a very large downside. Before you take the decision to join up spend some time reviewing how it works. If it's good for you then fine but you will find you'll have to work awfully hard just to keep pace.

Good Luck,

Ed.

I've actually read the first three chapters to The Wizard's Daughter two days ago, and I wanted to email you, which you have blocked, to tell you how much I really enjoyed reading it. There were only a few minor errors, which were only typos. So, I'd like to say, good start to a promising novel. Lemme know when you post more (:

Now, to answer your question, I love the first pitch much more than the second one--it drew me in, yet was simple. Some people may argue, however, that it is "unprofessional." My problem with the second pitch is that is is sort of boring to read, and you tell us that Perinar is the shy and awkward instead of letting us find out within the narrative.

Intriguing!

Of course, I'd probably read it just because it's yours (I tend to fangirl people I like), so I may not be the best person to answer this. ;)

EDIT: Also, I totally get why the cops would ask her to help with the investigation. First of all, "new school" does not necessarily conflate to "new to the city," and she may already have some kind of relationship with the chief investigator. (Maybe you should say so, if she does? You have word count to play with.) Second of all, you haven't indicated her age, but I'm assuming she's not a child. And third, there's nothing like having an undercover agent on the inside that no one will suspect of investigating.

I honestly liked both pitches, however, the short one made me more curious as to what the story was about. The only downside to the short pitch that I see that that I have no idea that it's a fantasy story. The long one provides me with that. If I were to look at the short one, I would have thought I was picking up a normal modern day murder mystery book.

But as for the pitch itself, it makes me want to read on. I would very much like to read this story. It's sounds compelling and unique to me.

I actually like the long pitch, I just like the short pitch better. But I hope that guy isn't the killer, because he's the first one I'd suspect.

I think I like the short pitch, actually. It's intriguing without giving away much information, which the long pitch does. (i.e. who she's attracted to)...hope that helps. I really want to read your story! It sounds very interesting :) Will you let us know when it's posted on the website?

The short pitch totally reeled me in. The long one...didn't. I don't know if it's just how you worded it, but I liked the short pitch better.